The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Welcome to the board Alexis and I hope you hang around with the most widest mind you can muster. The Experiences Strength and Hope you get here will help save your sanity and your life because everyone here has or is where you are at right now and has learned to change it for themselves.
Your alcoholic is afraid and so he will lie and sneak, cheat and steal on many levels. He knows he has a problem and that you know and others know he has a problem. The biggest surrender to accepting that would be for him join your side and admit it and go get help and then how many people like to subdue their pride and ego and say out loud..."You're right, I have a problem that I need help for!" You won't find many practicing alcoholics coming even close to that.
He doesn't want to give up control and he would be doing that if he tries it "your way" and so we learn here to stop controlling on any level and letting go and letting God and surrendering completely and loving the alcoholic for exactly who they are...people suffering with a life threatening, fatal disease if it is not arrested by total abstinence. If he doesn't quit completely it will get progressively worse with him and the family and he will be faced with three choices...sobriety, insanity or death.
Please consider the suggestion for face to face Al-Anon meetings in your area...You won't save his life. You didn't cause this, can't control it nor will you be able to cure it. You can only save yourself and Al-Anon and MIP are here to help you do that.
Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Sunday 25th of March 2012 12:47:54 PM
Where do I start? I feel so stupid, and naive, for believing that my husband was actually keeping his promise, that he had stopped drinking. He doesn't get fall down drunk, not at first. He begins slowly, sneaking (always sneaking, never in front of me or anybody else) a few beers- admittedly behind the wheel of car at times- and this builds up over time. The worst of it was a year and a half ago, when he passed out in the living room in front of our 2 young sons. I had to call my sister and his friend to help me move him so that the boys didn't have to see daddy drunk, and the whole thing was humiliating. I had known something was wrong for months, would ask him repeatedly about drinking. He would deny it, and I would let him. I didn't want to face it. He was better for a while after that, and every now and then I'd ask him how he was, if he was drinking at all or missed it, and he would emphatically state "No! I saw the pain in your eyes, I know what I did to you and the boys, and I'll never do that again." Well, it has happened again, and my world has crumbled around me- again. Last night, I caught him drinking outside. He thought that the boys and I would be at church, but for some odd reason, church was closed (talk about divine intervention, when is a church ever closed?) I lost it. I can't even go into the details. The only saving grace is that the boys were not witness to the drinking nor my over-the-top reaction. I just don't know what to do anymore. He went to an AA meeting last night after we talked for hours about "truth" and "honesty" and all that nonsense. The worst part is the lying, not the drinking. I hate the fact that I live my life under false pretenses, that I am led to believe that everything is okay when in reality it is anything but okay. I've read as much as I could over the past few hours, about my role in this. How do I "detach with love?" How do I shield our sons (5 and 8) from this dysfunction? My husband's entire family has major issues with alcoholism. He grew up with it in his face. I don't want that for our 2 boys! I'm not worried about me, I'm worried about them! Any advice would be appreciated, my head is swimming and I just don't know what to do that is different this time around- no ultimatums, no put-downs, no begging for his sobriety. But what?
I hope you will consider finding an alanon meeting in your area. You will find you are not alone and while our stories may differ the feelings are very much similar.
There are some good books to read as well, Getting Them Sober, Toby Rice Drew (Toby Drew Rice .. sorry I get confused .. lol).
We are ALL powerless over addiction. I have had to learn to QTIP the situation .. which is Quit Taking It Personally. The lying is the disease, the sneaking the disease. The disease will pull out all of the stops to get what it wants and it doesn't care who it destroys in the process. The person it's lying to the most .. isn't us .. it's the person who is caught in the addiction. It's such a simple thing to read .. however it can be complicated to realize that what we do or don't do is not going to change what someone does or how they react to situations. We only have the power to change ourselves.
You are important and you need support and you will find it at an alanon meeting in your area. I truly encourage you to go.
Hugs P :)
Welcome and I hope you will keep coming back you are so worth the effort. If we put as much effort into ourselves as we do our addicts we would be so much further along in our own healing.
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I second Pushka's advice to find a meeting. It has given me such peace in dealing with my husband's drinking problems. And, yes, my biggest problem was the lies and the justifications and the denial that was so obvious to me, but not to him. After his DUI in early February, he has admitted that I was right, that the drinking was out of control, and that he can't ever drink again. Yet, even though he's not drinking now I feel I need the meetings just as much. Al Anon has been a huge life saver to me and has provided me with a safe place to share my fears and hopes without judgement.
I also think the book that she recommends was a major source of help to me too, and I was able to get it for my Ipad because it's available for Kindle.
I third (or fourth) the suggestion to hit an alanon meeting. You sound like you are absolutely filled with horror and dread by what is going on. YES, alcohol and addiction are very scary and threatening, but living in a state of complete terror is not good for you, your husband, your relationship, or your daily functioning. It sounds like you husband has some real problems with alcohol. That sucks but at least he seems rather open to the idea of AA meetings and such. The lying and getting busted is part of the disease of alcoholism - however - this does not mean that you don't set up appropriate boundaries or that you tolerate behaviors that you feel are not tolerable in a marriage or as a parent.
Alanon is a spiritual program that will have you recognizing what you cannot control and what you are powerless over while simultaneously putting faith in a higher power and channeling your energy into areas that are most helpful to you and those you care about. Feeling terrorized, victimized, and worrying are not constructive. Working on acceptance and recovery are productive. Supporting the positive that your husband is doing to build recovery is also positive. If you wind up down the road in the same spot with him relapsing yet again....well, you can decide whether or not to stay or go then. This doesn't have to all be decided in a day, nor should it be.
All of the things I wrote about above could fall under the broader category of detaching with love. It's not like you don't care or dont have legitimate concerns. It's that you choose not to live in fear and not to let your husband's drinking dictate 100 percent of your security and spiritual well being. You might not have full trust in your husband right now. You can have trust and faith in a power greater than yourself though. Through that you can rest easy and know you are going to be okay no matter what and that living in fear, anger, or self-pity is futile and pointless. It's not easy and it takes work to put this into action.
Lastly, detaching with love also involves not taking it so incredibly personal - Do you think your husband was really thinking "HAHA I cant wait until they leave for church so I can act like a sneaky little liar and break promises to my wife!!!" No. More likely it was "God I wish I could just have a drink. If she is out with the kids she won't know and I wont have to feel so ashamed about what a pathetic loser I am and how I can't cope with things and I need a freakin drink." When you view things the way I stated them in the second quote there - you are less likely to be angry and feel victimized and more likely to see his disease for what it is. It's something that is attacking him. It's HIS demon and it's inside of him. He's not choosing to be a bad husband. That being said - He has been to AA and knows he needs to stay sober to really be the best husband and father he can be. His working a program of recovery is a choice and that might be a boundary you want to have in place. A huge percent of alcoholics will relapse without an active AA program. Promises and good intentions don't keep alcoholics sober. AA does. (Cautionary statement - this all comes from a devoted AA member).
I can't tell you all how much it means to me that you would reach out to a complete stranger with guidance and support. I am so ashamed by his behavior and my willingness to just "let it happen." I do not turn to family and friends with this, I am extremely private given my embarrassment and shame. Even if people close to me say that they understand, I always feel that my husband and I are being silently judged. So I sit here, alone and confused. This just isn't working for me anymore. So, as you all have suggested, I have looked into local meetings for myself, and found a few that are held at the same time as AA (in an ideal world, he could attend his meeting and I could attend mine). I will also read all the suggested readings so that I don't add to the problem and learn to let go of my false sense of control (this will be extremely difficult for me)! I know that he is a wonderful man who never quite learned how to cope with life. He tries to do it on his own, which ultimately leads to relapse. How do I get him to see that he has to continue the program, rather than go for a few times and then quit, thinking that he has it "under control"? Are there any good books for him? He seems so willing now, that I want to give him suggestions before he loses steam. Of course, now I feel that I am trying to fix him, and I know that I can't, that it's out of my control. I just get stuck in that mode, and I need to step away. Anyways, thank you so very much for your kind words, support, and encouragement.
It's rough Alexis. From almost all major wounds we heal up and don't need ongoing treatment. Our brains are primed that way. Unfortunately this is not the case for alcoholism. We (alcoholics) get sober but we don't ever stop being alcoholic.
As far as books - Every meeting should be able to provide him with either a free copy or a way to buy a copy of the big book. This is the general manual written by the founders of AA and the majority of the program is outlined in the first 167 pages. The rest is filled with stories of other people who found recovery and sobriety through AA. The big book is the main text of AA. Another awesome book I would recommend is "living sober." That is a relatively small yellow book with practical suggestions for avoiding relapse and not falling prey to common triggers in early sobriety. It's an easy read and it's divided into chapters based upon issues and questions that people in early sobriety tend to have. The 12 and 12 is another book that outlines the 12 steps and 12 traditions of AA, that is usually used to work the steps with a sponsor or it is used in step study AA meetings. None of these books have designated authors persay as they are general AA approved literature.
Pushka already told you about one of the most helpful books for spouses or those involved in Alanon, but there is also a section of the big book called "to the wives" that might be helpful even though the big book was written in the 1930s and the language is sometimes antiquated.
If he is really really willing, he needs to find a sponsor and get busy. It will be spelled out to him at meetings and he will figure it all out as long as he keeps going.
