The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well I think its absolutely wonderful you are reaching out. Whether he is in your life or not, this program is all about YOU.. or in my case, its all about ME!!! I have come to so many amazing discoveries through working the steps, talking with my sponsor, going to meetings, reading al-anon literature, and hanging around al-anon friends who are healthy or working on becoming healthy.
I wanted to just divorce my husband when my life fell apart.. I am so grateful that instead of leaving him and moving on to the next alcoholic, I stopped, and worked on me. What I found were patterns in me and that I could put an end to them. My story is still in the making, as everyone's is... but at this time I choose to stay with my alcoholic/addict husband. He is in AA and I am in al-anon. I cannot say what it is to come but I CAN say that its possible to find serenity, faith, and hope.. I found all three, and its from al-anon.
Welcome Welcome Welcome, youre not alone, you did not cause this... and keep coming back!!!!
-- Edited by Michelle814 on Saturday 24th of March 2012 02:22:01 PM
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
Its been 4 weeks NC...he's called twice 'blocked' and I didn't answer. I can't believe this is happening. Tho I was officially the dumper...it feels no better as I didn't want to leave I felt forced to. I had to choose between my sanity or his alcoholic selfishness. I chose to save myself.
I miss him (the good him). The kicker is we have only been married for 6.5 months. I moved to his town, his house, his alcoholic friends, his job and it remained 'about him'. We're both in our 40's you would have thought that an educated woman would have known better, right? Well obviously not. I fell for the 'I only drink because I'm lonely, when we get married I won't even care to drink'. Yeah, right.
To add insult to injury...he stole my wedding rings, broke my sunglasses and hid them, told me I was a whore (which I'm not), and put a profile up on a dating site before I had even moved out.
Now what am I doing? I put my stuff in storage and started travelling as a nurse (as I don't have a home to go to) and had not been able to find work in his 'one horse town'. I'm in a lonely hotel room and I think about him everyday, how wonderful his life is after I allowed him to trash mine.
I am hurt and I am angry at not just him, but at myself. I'm better than I was 4 weeks ago so I know it will slowly keep getting better. How long did it take for some of you to heal? And, do you ever forget the pain of being 'just plain used'? There is always so much more to everyone's story, but this is part that I felt I wanted/needed to share.
Chee, I can totally relate to your story. I moved cross country to marry my alcoholic, and we weren't married for very long either. I didn't know his drinking was as bad as it was...but there were plenty of warning signs that I ignored. Once I stopped living in my fantasy, I knew I had to step away from the relationship and get myself better before anything else was possible.
I think it's AWESOME you are a traveling nurse! I hope to start nursing school in the next year or so and travel with it. You're life is no longer being dictated by someone else, and you are fortunate to have a skill that pays well and is in demand. You're really free, when you think about it.
It's hard to let go of our bad choices, and of course there is always some grief when a relationship ends. I definitely understand anger at one's self. But if you never made mistakes, you wouldn't be human. Try and be gentle on yourself during this time. Learn from it and grow. And get out of that lonely hotel room! The great thing about Al Anon is you can find a meeting most anywhere in the world.
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Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
His life is not fine. He is desperately needy for someone else to come in and take your place. The fact that he put a new profile up on a dating site right away is proof of how needy he is....not how happy he is. The actively using alcoholic will feel lonely, unfulfilled, and not able to meet their own needs. So....as much as you are angry at yourself.....He's not a healthy person. Don't be fooled into thinking he's happy. I doubt he meant to use you because most alcoholics believe their own lies. You were wise and took courageous steps to move forward rather than stay stuck. Pat yourself on the back.
Aloha Chee...welcome to MIP and right off some basics...don't beat up on yourself, we won't and you're not allowed to. Your alcoholic's trash wasn't and isn't real so don't respond to it like it was. It comes from the disease. Allow us to love you while you learn to love yourself. It is what we do for and with each other so we can recover from and escape the tragedies of the disease of alcoholism in our lives. You're already loved come join us in loving you also. The majority of the membership are members in the Al-Anon Family Groups which is in every part of this planet. Go to the white pages of your local telephone book and look for the hotline number for Al-Anon and call to get the times and places we meet in your area and then come as early as you can.
I remember the lonliness and the insanity that came with it and only barely just remember it thanks to the Al-Anon program. When they said "this too will pass" it became reality. Keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
I hope you are able to make it to a face to face Al-anon meeting. It sounds like you have great awareness and I am sending you love and support on oyur journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
OMG....I can't believe how supportive everyone is being. You don't even know me and have reached out and made me feel that I do matter. Thank you all!! I have tears in my eyes and its the first time in a long time that its because someone cares and not because they don't. Thank you again and again.
I don't want to make this mistake again. My father was an alcoholic so I never thought I would allow myself to get caught up in that trap, especially after what I saw my mother (and us kids) go through. Never say never, I guess.
I'm sorry that each one of you is hurting or have been hurt and I appreciate you sharing your emotions and encouragement with me. And, Dolly your right I am blessed to have the job I have and I hope you will be able to this part of my life (nursing) if you choose to.
I will find a Al-Anon meeting either for tomorrow or sometimes this week. Do I show up at one of these meetings? Or Call? I have never been.
Dear Girl..you WILL get through this, all in due time. You must take each day as it comes, and you will slowly realize that what little he brought to the table in your relationship was simply not what are the qualities you want and deserve. YOU are worth so much more. I ended a 30 year marriage..difficult, yes, but even more difficult would have been staying. I have been rediscovering my joyful self that got lost in the sadness of living with my ex A..and it has been so worthwhile. I know you can do whatever lies ahead..go forward and know that you are up to whatever lies ahead!
