The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I saw a tax lawyer today and will see my tax advisor tomorrow. I'm so exhausted by the huge mess I am in due to my AH's business mess. I can't fix it- it's out of my hands. I didn't cause it, yet I might lose everything I have worked hard for. This is not right. The anger that is inside me right now is all consuming. I'm trying to give it all up to my HP, but it seems so overwhelming right now. And I have so many questions I want to ask my AH, but he will not have the answers. I know that, but yet I still want to ask, "Why, why, why?!?!?"
Thanks for letting me vent. There are no easy answers. I really think that my HP is trying to get me to move forward and to stop thinking that maybe my marriage can be saved. The master is speaking, but the student is very slow to listen and learn.
I hope you get some good news from the tax people...but if you don't, you can handle whatever comes. Big hugs!
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Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
my saga has taken since June 2010...when my AH lost his job. In Oct I asked him to leave and then we filed bankruptcy because finances were such a mess. Because we couldn't afford 2 bankruptcy lawyers we stayed married until it was discharged in late August 2011. Just this monday our divorce was final.
this has been the hardest thing...because the consequences of his behavior almost did ME and his family in too. Its hard not to want to strangle him, honestly. Frosting on the cake was when his lawyer demanded $600 a week from me for alimony (more than 1/2 my income).
I just kept telling myself...one step at a time...one crisis at a time...and if I looked at the BIG picture (work demands and stresses, the kids, etc etc) I literally wanted to jump off a bridge.
What helped me through is remembering that it took years for us to make this mess...and it will take some time to work my way out of it.
IT WILL HAPPEN FOR YOU. Just keep focusing on acting with integrity, and doing the next right thing ...
all the polyannas will say.."everything happens for a reason" or "life isn't fair" -- but neither of these statements acknowledge the real and legitimate pain and fear we feel in the thick of it....
I HEAR YOU. What I want you to know is you are moving through it...little steps...doing the next right thing..and it's gonna suck, and hurt, and not make sense...but you can, and will get to the other side.
I'm relating this to what I went through with my ex-A. He had huge IRS debts and creditors calling when I met him. That should have been my warning sign to run in the other direction. Seven years later, there I was with my own finances a mess and my credit ruined because they were tied to him. Oh, and I had a condo in forclosure too. Probably the financial mess was the largest contributing factor of the demise of the relationship... Of course alcohol was right up there too. My parents had helped put a down payment on the condo, so when it went into forclosure due to his financial mess, they knew the reason why. Of course then my mom became an evil bitch to him and he drove a wedge between me and my family. In any case, it took a few years to crawl out from that but the faster you cut all financial ties the better. You are clearly tied to someone who does not have a problem sucking the life out of you financially and that is just not right.
I used to think there was some great reward for paying his bills or that he would treat me better or acknowledge what I was doing for him. It never happened. He was angry at himself for the mess he created and I was always going to either be getting blamed, cleaning it up, or consoling him. It was a merry go round of insanity and I am really glad I am not on it anymore. Nevermind that by the time we broke up it was ME that payed of his very last IRS settlement payment and it was ME that was stuck with the triple upside down morgage on the condo. It was still worth it to bail rather than have that horrid quality of life any longer.
Thank you all, so much. Your posts are so helpful to me right now. I've really got to work getting away from the "victim mentality" and stop saying to those close to me, "Look what a jerk he is. Look what he did to me." It doesn't end up making me feel any better, especially since they don't have insight into how it is to be in a relationship with an alcoholic (which basically is insanity).
I really like what you said, rehprof. I need to stop fixating on the big picture right now and focus on the fact that at least I'm doing SOMETHING, and not staying frozen and vulnerable. Baby steps...
By the way, we also lost our home due to foreclosure and are working with a property lawyer to get it back. There should be some closure on that next month and then I can move on with my OTHER attorney: my divorce attorney. I can't believe that I am working with three different attorneys right now! My life is such a circus- with one big clown who seems to be running the show. Thanks for all of your helpful posts. I am constantly reminded that this is much better place for me to vent, since all of you know this journey so much better than my family and friends that haven't lived in Crazytown.
