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There have been some posts on spouses/significant others who are sober, either working a program or not, and I thought Id chime in with my own issue. My
AH and I separated last year after his drinking got out of control. After he, for lack of better term, lost his mind and got fired from his job, he entered rehab and has been sober for over 6 months. He lives with his mom (also an RA)
He has been working a program pretty diligently from what I can tell. He goes to AA about 5x/week, has a good sponsor, and also attends an outpatient therapy program. I dont think he is just going through the motions it does seem some it is sinking in to some extent. This is what I gather from what he shares with me.
While we are separated we still remain close in that he spends most of the weekend with me and our son. This has been both positive and difficult at the same time. It is good to see him doing well compared to where he was last summer. He is a loving father to our little boy. At the same time, despite working a program, there are still quite a few moments of dry drunkenness. He also constantly complains of headaches and vague physical symptoms such as racing heart. He is a young man, 33 years old, has had plenty of checkups with no major medical problems, and sometimes acts like a 95 year old.
He also mentioned that he still has strong cravings once in a while, and that instead of drinking hes been eating huge amounts of chocolate to stave them off. When I innocently suggested that perhaps he work out to increase his good feeling endorphins, he said he cant because his heart races.
All in all, Im just confused and saddened by this person. He is just not the man I met. I sometimes wonder, hope and pray that some version of that man will come back. But all I see now is someone who, while sober and in a program that he seems to be embracing, has been deeply damaged. He threw away a very good job that he worked hard to get and who knows when he will be employed again. He is an adult man living with his mother. He is just a basket case. I am just saddened and I feel like my life is on hold. I dont know if it is even healthy that I see him as often as I do, but I dont want to alienate him from our child, and I dont want to throw out the possibility of reuniting at this point.
I know he is only 6 months into his sobriety, which is not long in the grand scheme of things. I just wish I could recognize the person Im looking at. It is so hard. I miss him during the week, but sometimes really resent him when I am with him. I am just so confused.
Sobriety brings its own set of issues. What you described I almost wonder if he's having anxiety of some kind. It's something he can work through as he works the steps of his own program. What's really more important is that you focus on your own program of recovery. Then you will have the clarity to know what you want, how you want to act and so on.
It is very normal for a recovering addict to crave the sugar (that's how beer, alcohol breaks down) and the chocolate/sweets deal is pretty normal from what I have seen. Better through chocolate than booze.
Hugs, sending lots of love and support you will get the answers you need through your own recovery. Hugs again P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Yeah whenever my exAH went off of alcohol for short terms he switched to sugar in a big way. This disease brings about so many side effects for all involved, it is sad. I am sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
The detox and rehab programs all use sugar to help them get past the alcohol cravings and for myself seems a better trade. Endorphines don't replace the same brain receptical that sugar/booze do. As someone who was addicted to sugar for years, I also used to work out like a feind to deal with the weight gain but it never once helped my sugar cravings.
I can only imagine the trust for his recovery will be difficult. I know my ABF (in recovery) has mentioned that the physical effects of withdrawal from heavy alcohol can take as long as a year or more to resolve. Just one of those "consequences" of abusing the body. Take care of yourself through this.
Aloha nyc...that sounds like a pretty complete picture of how he is doing...how are you doing? Your post reminds me of the lessons I got from my sponsor and the fellowship about getting my alcoholic/addict wife out from under the microscope and at last nights meeting a new comer's share reminded me of the same thing. The new comer is anxious to learn how to redirect his focus away from his alcoholic girlfriend because drinking or not his life seems defined by her. I had to learn how to turn my spouse over to her higher power and just love her unconditionally. In support (((hugs)))
You might not ever see the person he was again. Recovery, if it's working, *will* change him. That's a guarantee. You will change, too, in ways that you can't even fathom from where you're sitting now.
This can be terrifying, and exciting.
You get to rediscover each other all over again. Maybe you don't like what you see. Maybe in 5 years he is still living in his mother's basement with Hershey's chocolate smears on his face. Maybe you fall in love again and experience an intimacy that is deeper and more fulfilling than anything you ever thought possible. Who knows? All you can do, is make sure you are the person you want to be, live a life that is reflective of who you are, and create it with a fearless howl!
He will take care of himself. Just give it time, one day at a time!
(p.s. the chocolate thing is pretty standard)
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Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
I don't know what you stance is on the HP thing.. but what was absolutely the best advice for me.. was praying for my husband's HP to be with him, take in his hands, and care for him. A woman once told me after a meeting, "what you are feeling, that love you have for your husband, you have to understand that his HP loves him so so much more than you ever even could." It was relief for me to hear that and then truly believe it and then live it. Whatever happens, my husband has a HP who loves him.. and its not me. I used to think it was. As for you... please do something you love, right this instant.. even if its as simple as making yourself a banana split or going for a walk or watching a program.. do something just for you!!!
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
