The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Dealing with the disease of alcoholism is indeed extremely painful and confusing. I understand your love and concern for you son and would like to suggest that you look up alanon Face to Face meetings in your community and attend. It was there I learned that anabolism is a disease over which I was powerless. That in order to support someone living with this disease I needed to learn new attitudes and tools to live by.
Arguing, fighting checking up do not work. I found taking care of myself, saying what I mean, meaning what I say and not being mean worked best. Meetings, living one day at a time support from others who are walking the same road gave me help and hope
Please check out meetings in the white pages and keep coming back here. You and your family deserve it.
-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 22nd of March 2012 10:30:24 AM
Where do I start....I have a 25 year old son. after 3 DUIs in only a couple of months I realized he was an alcoholic. Not that I am stupid...just NEVER saw him drink or drunk! He agreed to rehab, and spent a month in. Court is finished and he has lost his license for 7 years and on probation for 1 1/2 years with all usual restrictions. He works, is finishing up a degree as a chef and lives at home. Thought all was well....then I went through his phone and it was obvious he was drinking and getting high. Then i found alcohol hidden in his room. We had the confrontation, and rules were laid down. Told him if he wants to live in our home he has to bike to and from work (we were taxi for him), hand over his whole pay check (so no $$ to buy his alchohol), and go to AA.
I have no proof that he is still using, but I feel that he is. He is not going to AA, he cashed his check and spent $30 (to take a girl on a date, he said). Last night he didnt come home and is late for work today. He swears he didnt use, that he just fell asleep at a friends house. I dont know what to believe anymore!! I dont want to accuse him if he is truly trying, but I also dont want to pretend all is well if its not! Do I just wait unti I have proof? How do I help? If I do nothing , but watch him staying out all hours, is that healthy. I have to little ones at home too....it feels that we are consumed with the older son and his coming and going. I feel he has no respect for what we are trying to do to help him. But, when i address that with him he cries and says he understands. My heart is breaking!! Am I too suspicious and need to back off?? Any Advice???
Lots of tough issues for you to deal with, but - in a nutshell - what we want to learn to do is to find a way to let the alcoholic bear the consequences of his choices/behaviors.... Certainly the 7-years suspended license is doing just that.... Gentle questions back to you is whether 'taking his whole paycheque and doling out money to him' is doing that or not....
I would encourage you to choose recovery (and education).... for YOU. A book you might want to get your hands on is "Getting Your Children Sober", written by Toby Rice Drews (also her main one is called "Getting Them Sober"). Al-Anon meetings will help, as will posting here....
We have a great old saying:
He will either drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?
Time to choose recovery - for you.
Take care
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
My 25 year old daughter is also an alcoholic (as is my husband). Please check out an Al-Anon meeting in your area. Many locations have meetings specifically for parents of sons/daughters with addiction issues. At the meetings, you will meet others who are on the same journey and who can help you with the tough road you are traveling. Sending you lots of support right now.
Thanks everyone! Tom - thought the same about the paycheck, and offered it back into his own control. Will get the book! Checking into meetings. Thank you all
He is a grown adult and I understand your maternal instinct is to help him. Also you are his mother and nothing is going to change that. That being said, Alchoholism and addiction are diseases that do not respond to "help" in the way that other sicknesses would. The person does not get better unless they are fully responsible for their own recovery. You know what is going on. Like you said, you are not stupid. You suspect he is using. That is his track record. If it quacks like a duck....
Anyhow, I empathize with you fully but the best "fix" if it is to be had, is for your son to go to back to rehab (if he is using again) and if not, he could go to a halfway house. They will take his paycheck and do the things you are trying to do. You are his mother and you cannot be his drug counselor and your house will not function as his halfway house. I have been in AA for a few years and I honestly have never met a young person that got sober living with mom and dad. I have met several that got sober by going through rehab followed by extended halfway house living and active AA involvement. That is my experience. Take it for what it's worth. You and your family may have different values or ideas and I respect that. I'm not saying you messed up or anything as I fully understand that the instinct as a mother would be to care for your son. It's going to be really hard to put limit down and try and sell him on halfway house or the street but in my experience that is best because it puts you back to just being his mom and caring about his being sick without having to be his rehab counselor, warden, or being mommy as if he was still a little kid which he is no longer.
Prayers for you and your family,
Mark
(P.S.- I didn't mention much about alanon cuz you already got better suggestions with regard to that than I could give even though this is an alanon forum. Of course alanon will be a great support to you while you deal with your own issues surrounding the tragedy of his addiction.)
Hi,Brit! Both of my 2 adult children are A/A's, I've been dealing with this disease for more 25+ yrs. It is very difficult for a mother to accept her powerlessness, to detach, to free herself from denial, to grieve the lost of her dreams for her child, I could go on, but I don't want you to lose hope and think your child is like mine, because he may be WILLING to stop using and get into a recovery program.
Just in the last 5 yrs. have I seriously started working a program, going to al anon and learning to focus on me and take care of myself. (I had played around with the program for many yrs.) For example, I've been in denial all these yrs. knowing they had the disease, but thinking they would never steal from me and then it happened recently and I was totally heartbroken. that's how denial work. The best thing that ever happened to me is my H.P. (God) lead me to al-anon, and I learned acceptance and many tools to help me cope with this disease," let go and let God" is a favoriate and for me, most difficult to learn and practice.
The only advice/suggestion I can give you is go to ala-non f/f meetings, get into recovery for yourself. Welcome to the board and I hope this helps!........Highlyfavored!!
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Just go a step at a time, one day at a time. And you'll find a rich, thankful life you never thought you could afford.--A Rogers
alcoholics do lie. Plenty of people lie. I think its to be expected that people lie especially when they are put on the spot.
I know I used to really monitor everything the now ex A did, who he called, where he spent his money, how he behaved. He was great at camaflaging, great at creating diversions and great at having excuses.
For so many alcoholics they make a game out of the subtrefuge. We can play the game with them by upping the control by taking over their responsibilities. Or we can detach and make certain we are not caught up in their self destruction. I think detaching is one of the most difficult things I have ever done. I also think it absolutely saved my life.
I lived a life full of conflict, pain and rage and now I don't. I could be enmeshed with an alcoholic in a second. I had serial relationships with alcoholics and abusive people all my life. Now I don't.
A relationship with a child is very very different than a relationship with a spouse and there are many many people here on this board who have navigated both.
I know that al anon can help with various tools, with non judgmental listening and simply feeling cared about.
I hope you will give al anon a shot. I know how hard it is to carve out any time when you are preoccupied with the alcoholic. Make it, save your life take time for you.
