The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Anyone married to a recovering alcohlic who also suffers from Borderline Personality disorder...or any other personality disorder (Bi-polar, Narcissistic Personality Disorder..they are similar).
My wife is 8 months sober and was diagnosed with BPD in Nov. She is quite a handful. We have 3 young children (7,5,3). She doesn't live at home and is very possibly now gay or bi-sexual. She has run us into great debt and takes little responsibility for her actions. It's always my fault for everything. It's miserable. She threatens divorce all the time, but I dont think she has the nerve to do it. I think she realizes if she files she will lose custody so at times she appears to be interested in making our family work.
Anyone else in a similar situation? I know a lot of AH have personality disorders....just wondering if anyone else is in the same boat as I. Im about to give up, but still hold out slim hope for my family. I've thought that sticking it out for the kids was the best choice, but now am wondering if that is the right decison. I still do love her and feel it's my duty to stick by my sick wife, but how much can one take.
My exAH has narcissistic personality and the thing that helped me the most was attending face to face Al-anon meetongs and finding my sponsor. The book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews also was a life saver. I am sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Alcohol and the mind and emotions and body and spirit results in all kinds of disorders...get the alcohol out of the way and overtime the recovery is remarkable....however my best experiential suggestion to you is go to the white pages of your local telephone book and lookup the hotline number to Al-Anon and call that number to find the times and places we get togther in your area and then get to the very first face to face meeting you can (if you are not already attending). Get and read as much literature as you can at the meeting...pamphlets galore...and sit and listen to what goes on in the meeting. After the meeting you may want to stick around and talk to the membership and tell us about yourself. We already have or have had an alcoholic/addicted family member including spouses of our own. We know how to do it wrong but gave that up to learning how to do it right for ourselves using new tools and a Power Greater than ourselves.
Please feel welcomed here at MIP and please do keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
Just wanted to let you know you are not alone. I have a friend whose wife decided she was gay and left him with the children. It was a rough time. Now, the girls are grown and in college. They are faring well, he is happily remarried....although I clearly remember the time when he was married prior and the painful split and revelation. A lot of people supported and loved them through it. So, my message along with all the other ones stated above is, trust that you Will be provided for, no matter what the outcome may be. Keep coming back. This is a good place for experience, strength and encouragement. Note meeting times and visit the chat room. Someone is usually available here.
Sending good thoughts and warm wishes your way. ((((you and children))))
Remember, Nothing stays the same. You have within you what is needed to navigate this season of your life.
Your story touches me closely because I discovered my ex alcoholic husband was closeted gay. Living with the disease of alcoholism is a huge whammy in itself, but to also discover the person you married under the belief this person was heterosexual only to discover different is also an extremely heartbreaking experience to live through.
It is my experience as far as the personality conflicts go is that they're all a part of the disease of alcoholism. Sexual identity, however, is different, but there's a darn good chance the alcoholism is there as a sort of protection and distraction for her from that, too.
Feel free to message me privately if you wish.
I can say, however, that the Al-Anon program helped me walk through my ex's alcoholism and sexual identity crisis with my head intact and find some healing and grace through it all. I'd highly recommend getting to some face to face Al-Anon meetings. Try at least six as close together as possible before you determine if the program is for you or not.
I'm not in the exact boat that you are in. However, I have lived with active alcoholism (husband) & was raised by a mother with BPD. So I know how damaging these disorders can be.
Al-non helped me a lot when my mother was alive. She was not alcoholic, for certain. But applying the principles of the program worked for me when dealing with her.
Being raised by a BPD mother can be quite damaging. My sense of self-worth, self-confidence, etc. was trampled on by her. I had a lot of therapy to overcome the effects of my childhood. Al-anon helped put all the pieces together for me.
Helping yourself will help your children. I did not have a father living in the home. So my mother was my example all those years - not a good recipe for developing into a healthy teen and then adult.
Hoping you find your own solution.
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Hi I have been around alcoholism and addiction for a long time. I am an adult child of an alcoholic and have many traits of BPD, so much so that I am participating in the treatment for BPD. My exhusband slept with men while we were together, but I only knew about one time. I did not know the extent of it. Now we are separated and, through a variety of ways, I have become aware of the extent of his enjoyment of frequent sex with women and men both now and during our marriage. I can't say he identifies as bi sexual, gay or hetro, only he can answer that, but I do know he enjoys sexual relationships with both genders (and inbetween I guess). For me, it was not an issue regarding the sexuality of the person he slept with, it was the lies associated with it and the cheating.
For me, BPD traits are indicative of confused identity. Addictions and promiscuity are traits that many BPD have, but mainly, that lack of identity, for me, opens up all sorts of experimentations without saying I am hetro, gay or bi. It took a long time for me to be able to stand up to what I really thought I was/am (a non promiscuous hetro woman) and say.. no, this is ME and thats ok. I know many people may think thats a strange thing to say.. but if you understnad a little about BPD, you will understand that the lack of identity allows me to be whatever I am in that moment, and that the identity may change at the drop of a hat.
For me, when I was talking about divorce with my husband (current husband now, not the ex), it was not a threat. It was abelief that he really did want to leave me and hate me and therefore we may as well just get it over with. That fear of abandonment is intense with BPD. for me, telling him I wanted a divorce gave me a sense of control over being abandoned.... But what I realise now is that the more I pushed him not to abandon me, the more I pushed him away into wanting to abandon me and the more that divorce was likely. It was a viscious cycle. Have you ever been so scared of something happening that you have caused it to happen regardless?
I am not sure if I am helping at all. If you wish to talk feel free to message me.
I am sure there are others on this site going through what you are going through.
