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I feel like it was a pretty big a-ha moment, that has been a long time coming. I've been sick since yesterday morning...sick as a dog in that food poisoning kind of way. Yuck.
I went to work for awhile today and came home in the late morning to rest before picking up my little guy from day care (I'm home alone with him in the evenings because my AH works second shift). On the way home I apparently passed my AH, who was on his way to the store to buy a few things for our new place. He called me a few minutes later to let me know we had passed each other (this has happened many times, usually when I'm on the phone while I drive...I don't take detailed notice of oncoming cars unless they're swerving into me LOL). He was clearly in a good mood (a real good mood...not one of those fake, puffed up good moods that comes with drinking); he had not slept until 1, he was being productive, it's beautiful weather, etc. By the time he left for work he had gotten a few things done around the house, and was cheery and pleasant.
MAN, that made me mad. Two hours later as I was driving to pick up the little one, I was almost overwhelmed by the desire to start texting him, to ask if he EVER thinks he'll quit drinking again. And not "cut back," actually QUIT and seek recovery. After about 15 minutes it started to subside, and mercifully I didn't act on the impulse. But I did sit in my car for a good 5 minutes and ask myself why the heck I even considered doing something so obviously destructive to my own serenity.
I was mad. I was mad that he was having a good day. How DARE he have a good day, when his alcoholism affects everyone around him in such a negative way? How DARE he have a good day when I feel so totally crappy? Oh yeah...I managed to make his good mood into something that was happening at my expense. I made his good mood all about me, and not in a good way. *sigh* I've gotten so much better at detaching from his bad moods, and turning those over to him and his HP. Looks like I've identified where I need to work on myself next...keeping the focus on me no matter what his mood is.
-- Edited by stephaniej on Tuesday 20th of March 2012 05:31:12 PM
You know what you had a great moment of A-HA!!!Take that experience and run with it .. then be really easy with yourself!! Our behavior didn't come around last night it's been here for a long time it's going to take those moments of stopping and THINK .. you did really really great!! Good for you great growth!!
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Aloha Steph...that is how it happened for me also...when my HP got me an "Aha" moment before it became an "Oh No" one. You done very good in stopping yourself and your disease from blowing up all of your serenity. One of the things I learned was that the opposite of anger is acceptance and I hated the feeling of anger. Accepting the fact of the disease and that it was in our lives helped me stay out of my alcoholics way toward her own sobriety and HP events and miracles. The times my exwife felt good about her life without haveing drank first led to her recovery.
I'm glad you brought that experience here cause if it worked for you it will work for me and others. Mahalo ((((hugs))))
Sounds about right for my marriage or I would say something to ruin the mood between us, because I needed a crisis for my adrenaline fix. Now my life is more serene and boring and I even love it, amazing stuff! Keep up the great work!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
