The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
2 weeks ago, my AH and I agreed to divorce. In 3 weeks, I face becoming homeless and am currently unemployed. Tomorrow is my 34th birthday.
The grief and enormity of my situation hit me like a million pounds to the face last night. I am at peace with the ending of the marriage- sad, but I know it is what I must do to save myself.
I am struggling to sleep and eat, much less make the decisions I need to make for my life. I don't have family or close friends to stay with...I am gravely overwhelmed with trying to figure out where to go and what to do...I feel like Iam drowning or breaking in half.
I do have faith that things will come together just as they should, and a year from now my life will be so different and amazing that it will humble me.
I know this.
But...tonight...right now...I am so angry at my husband's disease that I can't see straight...I am so sad for the path he is choosing...and I am so worried about my uncertain future.
Thanks for listening.
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Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
Hi there.... all I can say to you, is to repeat the words that my wise old sponsor used to remind me, over and over...
When in crisis, this is when ODAT kicks in (or one hour, or one minute, whatever it takes)..... You aren't in a good enough headspace to competently plan/worry/forecast your future at the moment, so just take it in shorter time periods..... survive and conquer the next minute.... then survive and conquer the next 15 minutes, etc.....
The future WILL take care of itself, and like you have said, you do know that you will be okay, in the end....
Try not to let the uncertainty overwhelm you...
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I find it really helpful during the worst tough times to break each step into smaller and smaller time periods or steps, just like Tom suggested. One day, one hour, one moment to the next. I start to feel better once I tackle even one tiny task at a time. I also find it really helpful to pay attention to the HALT basics and keep trying to get sleep, water, food, etc. I'll just think to myself - what can I do now? Drink some hot tea and go to bed. The next day - What can I do now? Check the classifieds for apartments. Make one phone call. That's totally how I made it through the last couple weeks when I was in a bad way. Take a bath. Eat lunch. Call a friend. I broke everything down into little tiny steps.
I also love that phrase - easy does it. It's good to be gentle with yourself and not let the fears or judgement or guilt take over. That doesn't help. Just be gentle and try to have faith.
I'm turning 34 in April. Birthdays can add a whole other layer to these feelings if we let them. I had to really fight to keep from going down a dark path in my mind, feeling terrible about where I am in life and where I'm not. I'm just focused now on the positive and gratitude and doing what I can with what I have! You are so right that things will look very different in a year and it sounds like you have a good attitude in a really tough time and you're reaching out. It makes complete sense to be angry and sad and afraid right now! I hope you'll keep reaching out, sharing, and taking things one step at a time and eventually you will feel so much better. I hope that helps. Please take what you like and leave the rest!
I think I get so frustrated and overwhelmed with these types of uncertain situations because I didn't have adequate parenting as a child. (I know my current circumstances would be challenging for anyone, though.) I crave a parental figure to help me figure it out...I want someone to just tell me what to do so bad, but I know that no one can...I alone am living my life.
But your words tonight, both of you, were the medicine I needed. Small steps, one second/minute at a time...yes, I can do that. I can even do that through tears if I have to.
Friday will provide some direction and clarity. I will find out if I qualify for the National Guard. If so, my plans will sort of take care of itself, as I will be shipping off to training in a few months. Then, all I will need is a temporary place to live and make arrangements to store my car.
But tonight, all I have to do is breathe, try to eat some more, or not, and go to bed.
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Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
Aloha Dolly...been there and done that also and I surely feel for you and at the same time am looking at some of the gratitudes for now...You have others to reach to and a Power Greater than the Dolly Llama (that one is tough!!) to lean against and who's palms you can rest in at any time. You do have faith and a program that works and is working. You don't have an alcoholic that you have any power or management control over so that time slot is open. You have all kinds of women services you can tap into where you live...don't be afraid to call for help and call loud. It's humbling and I have found out that the definition of being humble is being teachable so when I practice it I benefit. Got you in support and am putting you in my HP's inbox. There done!! ((((hugs))))
Dolly - I am thinking of you in this difficult time. You have received great ESH here. Lots of people here to listen. I understand your fears. Hang in there. Keep coming back. Keep us posted.
I tried EMDR with my therapist today, and I feel amazing. Working through all this yucky historical fear.
Al Anon last night helped, too. Sometimes it takes an hour or two after a meeting ends, but I always feel so lifted. Bless this place.
I am going to enjoy the rest of my birthday, keep the faith, and breathe!
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Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
I second that enjoy the rest of your day!!! I hope you did something special for you!
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I certainly was there and can tell you that it is possible to go on from there.
I left the ex A 5 years ago in April. It took me until the end of the year and more to stop all contact with him. He hooked me back in soon after I left with his crises.
Life has not been easy for me. I have certainly struggled but I am not in any way as bad as it was living and dealing with the ex A. When I left him his disease progressed at an alarming rate. He was soon homeless and penilless. Every single day there was a new crisis.
Al anon helped me tremendously. I highly recommend this place as a resource. I also recommend getting the book Getting them Sober.
