The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
the ex A who I have not been with for over 4 years now was someone who was really charming, sweet, kind and understanding. On his dark side he was mean, nasty, vindictive and controlling. What I have learned this week is that I had a pattern of seeking out the same as I knew as a child.
My mother could be sweet, kind, charming and so attentive to others. She blamed me for every single thing that went wrong in her life and didn't want me to achieve anything at all. She was irate when I got married.
I really did not want to believe that the ex A got something out of dumping on me, demanding allegiance from me and having me constantly clean up his messes.
I paid so many of his parking tickets, his bills that he let run over due. I felt like that proved my love for him. Now I don't know if it was love at all but some kind of pattern I had carried over from childhood.
My mother died sometime ago and up till she died I was still waiting for her to love me and to apologise. She never did. I was so desperate to unravel her pattern of behaving.
Now I do meet people who are much like the ex A. A neighbor of mine has been trying to get me to go out with him. I know he has the exact same pattern as the ex A. Will I go out with him? Nope not in a million years but I don't point out its his pattern of behavior that puts me off. At the same time I don't feel it is my job to unravel his pattern of behavior for him since he doesn't see anything wrong with it. In fact I think he thinks he is a paragon of healthy behavior!
The ex A never saw anything wrong with his behavior. Even when he was going to court for driving away from the scene of an accident (one he had caused) he didn't see anything wrong with his behavior. It was always other people's behavior that was the issue.
I racked my brains, cried, remonstrated, raged and more but if someone doesn't want to change they won't. He didn't want to and he didn't change.
The only person that changed was me. While I certainly don't want to admit that I had to live through so many decades of dealing with that kind of pattern of behavior I did. Now I don't deal with it and when I do deal with it I am quick to point out that I'm not playing.
Thanks for sharing your clarity and growth. It took a great deal of pain before I surrendered to the alanon program and the fact that I was powerless over people, places and things.
You have worked hard and are indeed a Miracle in Progress
Good growth Maresie!! Yay...awareness and detachment and change. I also had to come to the realization that I was a problem solver or at least I thought I was trying (actually I am powerless) and peoples problems were stacking up all around me and they were going off to play and have fun in their lives. When I stopped trying to solve other peoples problems some of them got angry at me even...go figure. Today the pattern is broken. They leave the problem I hand it back to them when they leave and go where ever. Not my job!! Like you I thought I was doing the right thing and then I found out I let myself be convinced by them that I would be doing it...NOT!! They were being irresposible and I was letting them. Now I can say "Free at last, Free at last...thank God, and Al-Anon I'm Free at last!!"
Thanks for the share Maresie, I liked this part especially - "Now I do meet people who are much like the ex A. A neighbor of mine has been trying to get me to go out with him. I know he has the exact same pattern as the ex A. Will I go out with him? Nope not in a million years but I don't point out its his pattern of behavior that puts me off. At the same time I don't feel it is my job to unravel his pattern of behavior for him since he doesn't see anything wrong with it. In fact I think he thinks he is a paragon of healthy behavior!"
It's so good that you can recognize this behavior, make the choice to avoid him, and that you don't feel compelled to unravel his behavior for him. You don't need to, you've got bigger and better things to do taking care of yourself. It takes a lot of strength to do all that you've done. Keep it up and please keep sharing with us!
Your share has given me a lot to think about .. when you mentioned the dark side of the A .. i began to recognise as i've shared before what we bring out of the dark into the light loses its power to dominate our thinking .. everytime i share honestly openly and willingly i bring something into the light .. a little piece of me is healed .. When i think of how i have always gone to the same type of thinkers .. A's with either the addiction or the isms .. It was the attraction to the dark .. that's why I kept going to the same type of person .. the dark behaviors .. that related to me own .. i went to people who lived in the dark .. the light scared me because i wasn't ready to look at me and didn't know how, etc.. when i went to the light, i had to look at me and since i didn't have anyone to tell me i was ok .. i stayed in the dark out of blindness so to speak ..
I used to think I needed the addicts to get better before I could .. and in a sense, I was right .. I'm beginning to see the balance .. How I was Effected by their thinking and behaviors .. I was really hurt as in harmed .. not in boohoo someone hurt my feelings .. but really harmed as in damaged/hurt .. If when the addicts were hurting me, they had been able to make a Genuine amends to me it would have brought a lot of healing .. maybe i too could have changed some things if it were my own behavior that was really effecting someone else and I were able to make a Genuine amends to them .. etc .. since this wasn't and isn't possible though my higher power (God) would need to be the one to make the changes & bring the healing .. Turning to a power Greater than ourselves; someone who is Greater than my own defects and effects .. behaviors of darkness: criticism, abandonment, blame, confusion, etc .. higher power can keep us calm in the surroundings of the crazy making behaviors of the A .. if we do it his way (all of our perceptions of hp's way) He possesses the gifts, thinking, behaviors of the light .. if i pray only for his way then i am carrying out my own behaviors as his .. through kindness, clarity, hope, courage, unity, wisdom, serenity, etc .. always much better ..
My mother always blamed me as well .. she never did work through the effects of her own past relationships with others .. people's behaviors and thinking effected her long before I ever came around .. of course i can't change it, cure it, control it .. because in part it wasn't my behavior (before me) that was effecting her .. that part would either have to be done by the As making a genuine amends to her in her past or .. hp stepping in and changing things for her .. doing for her what she couldn't do for herself which is what he does for all of us .. In a sense in the steps I get to go back and make a better past every time i make a 4th & 5th step ... I also get to change the way I view my past .. in recovery I know i will get back everything i've lost .. i may not get the physical beings back, situations as they were, etc.. but I will get back the serenity, love, hope, wisdom, acceptance, courage, unity, trust etc.. that would have been there the whole time had there been no effects of alcohol addiction or isms in my past, etc....
I don't know if this will read sense to you, but it is sure helping to make sense of things to me .. I still have a lot of confusion to reason through but i love when we begin to head in that direction .. it's like a sharp U turn when another section of our path is made clear for us .. I have to laugh when i think back to the A never thought there was anything wrong with his life .. half lol Until I came along and began turning it upside down giving him too much to think about .. I near feel sorry for him for having to be with me the last few years we were together when my program really began to pick up .. I brought all of his stuff out of the dark too and into the light everytime i had an awareness until eventually it lost it's power to dominate my thinking .. more and more anyway .. i'm not sure there will ever be a time i won't slip because the dark behaviors will Always try to dominate the light ones .. one day at a time .. Even seeing this, he still effects me .. the dark is powerful but given time, the light is Much more powerful in that I know there will come a time when more and more I will be able to remain composed in his presence through higher power who holds me together ..
deep thoughts i'm thinking this morning but with so much grattitude .. thanks again for sharing .. Much serenity your way .. your courage is our gift ..
