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It's so hard for me to cope with the fact that my AH is going it alone in his quitting drinking. He's done great so far, but he's back to his old attitudes. He has comments about everybody, talks to the TV and makes fun of everything he sees and hears, and is basically sarcastic and irritating. What gets me is that he has the nerve to throw other people under the bus while he's sitting here waiting to find out if he's going to go to jail and what his punishments will be for the DUI. Umm, I'm getting pretty tired of listening to him throw stones at people he doesn't even know. UGH
This has always been one of his personality traits. Sarcastic, legalistic, negative, everyone is in my way kind of thinking. I have no idea how to get him to stop when we're out shopping or in the car. At home I ignore him or walk out of the room but when we're out and about, it's enough to drive ME insane.
The funny thing today, though, was that he always had a snarky remark whenever he sees someone pulled over on the side of the road. Today we were on the highway and saw a guy pulled over and getting a field sobriety test done on him. I almost said something, but I bit my tongue. I noticed that AH saw it and he didn't say a darn thing. Hmmm, well at least I know one thing that he doesn't have a smart a** comment for, LOL!
I think you did GREAT by holding your tongue, I applaud you for that!!
Your husband is currently a dry drunk. He no longer has the crutch to anesthesize himself, he is "feeling" life now without the crutch, so yes, it's normal to become restless, irritable and discontent. He's not filling that hole with a program of recovery, with Higher Power - the Solution. But hey, everyone on this planet is trying to figure out how to fill that hole, lol... not just the alcoholics in my life.
I encourage you to watch/observe yourself instead, watch the focus in between your ears. When I focus on others too much, I get hooked by their fears, their lack of love and clarity. I can lose my balance unless I practice detachment. Today I can just observe and witness others, I can live and let live.... that's the choice I have in recovery today. I can fill the hole in me, I can reach for Higher power, rather than focus on others, which does not bring me peace.
-- Edited by glad lee on Sunday 18th of March 2012 08:35:36 AM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
From my life experiences and deep reflection, I have come to belief that the world "I see" reflects back to me my inner world.
That is, the good and strengthens of others, is in me also. The weaknessess that I see in others, which the program refers to as defects, is in me as well.
Change your inner world and the outer world changes right along with it. This has been, and continues to be my experience.
Most likely your husband learned how to see the world from his mother. I not blaming her. There is no blame. It just is. I had a mother who was quite negative; I learned from her how to navigate my world. I had to unlearn as an adult.
I'm not alcoholic and I had the same problem. Perhaps as not intense, however.
Like others written: keep the focus on you. Be a "light" for him It's possible that eventually, he will catch your "fire." I see this with my relationship with my husband.
-- Edited by GailMichelle on Sunday 18th of March 2012 11:07:56 AM
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
I have noticed similar things in my situation. That's the disease and that's why when there is no program of recovery they don't change really. Oh they stop drinking some do it for longer than others, however if nothing changes then nothing changes and part of healing from addiction is learning to forgive themselves, recognizing that they have to be accountable for their actions and work on coping skills for everyday life.
I wish I could remember where I read this, heard this or whatever .. someone said they heard an A say, yes, I have a disease I am still responsible for my actions and the consequences that go with them. That statement is someone who is working a program of recovery.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
It is frustrating when people are so negative like that. I am changing and really attempting to not partake in negative talking/thinking, gossip, sarcasm... its difficult because so many people do it often. I can't imagine how hard it is to live with it. Just keep the focus on you. Get yourself to meetings and surround yourself with people who are also working programs. Sometimes I wish the whole world had a program of recovery. Hhahahah.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
Love this share. My AH for the last year has been drinking occasionally, and for a long while at first not at all, without any benefit of program. The bitterness and irritability were overwhelming, especially as I was new to the practice of detatchment. He still has strong shades of negativity, though not nearly as strong as it was before. I wish for him a program like I have, since now I know how it can turn my life from darkness to beauty, but that is his choice. Sometimes his negativity DRIVES ME CRAZY, but I have learned that by continuing to bite my tongue and working on getting better at detatchment, even if we're in the same inescapable car, it gets easier, and with time, he has eased up on making those comments to me. It was like he got tired of showing up to some kind of party and being the only person there. You did great! i am so glad you have program for you. Sending you support!
p.s. When I get really irritated with this kind of behaviour, it helps for me to read up on compassion and resentment in Courage to Change (I look up the pages from the index in the back). I am also going to private message you a passage from One Day at a Time in Al Anon that someone shared with meonce regarding this exact issue. hugs.
Glad Lee, you know what's funny? He was like this for the first 15 years of our marriage and he got worse over time. And, yes, he was a dry drunk. I guess that's why I was disappointed that he has chosen to NOT work any type of recovery program. He has lived his whole life in discontent and he says that his mother is the biggest malcontent on the planet, LOL. I used to try different approaches through the years, even tuning him out doesn't work. I can ignore all his comments for days on end and he'll still go on. I think he likes to just talk to himself but I know he doesn't do it when he's driving alone or shopping alone. He has even admitted that he likes having an audience to his miserable comments even if I don't acknowledge them. I used to tell him, "Hey, God loves that person and that person has/had a mother who loves/loved them too. So, back off!"
We were avid church goers for about the first 10 years of our marriage. We led small groups and got involved but my AH would be so controversial in our groups. He just loved to argue and could talk all kinds of Bible talk with you and make you feel stupid. He made it so difficult for me that I quit going to church 3 years ago because he was just a pain in the rear. He complained about the people at church, he made fun of them, he hated it when people talked in church, he hates Christians who get tattoes, his legalism is disgusting to me and absolutely NOT what I see as a true leader for Christianity. Anyway, I always felt that he never actually let God/HP into his heart. I believe he liked being miserable, it's all he's ever known. His whole family is like this, too, so it doesn't surprise me. They have no joy, the only joy they get is when they are backstabbing someone else or complaining and getting revenge. They are the most passive aggressive people I have ever met. They are across the country from us and hate my AH for moving so far away. They don't call us, they don't send our son any presents, they don't communicate with me(which is just fine by me), and they ostracize my AH from any family decisions regarding his elderly father's care. It's amazing how sick they all are and how even though AH knows it, he doesn't change. He's just like them and yet, he's afraid to open up and let God.....really let God in. It makes me very sad, and always has.
ILD, I can identify with your post and the reason for it scares me. The way you describe your husband is exactly how I act when I do not go to enough meetings and do not engage in appropriate self care that I have learned through AA. I start getting super annoyed with other people. I can't stand that someone has a combover or that some woman is wearing stretch pants when she has a huge ass and saddle bags and I think someone should tell them to go back home and start over with a different outfit or haircut or different attitude. Of course now i realize it's me that has the attitude and it's also me that has the self-esteem issues. No surprise - It's also me who takes the antidepressants and not all these people that I find fault with. It's taken me years to see myself as I truly am and to know when I am the one in my own way. It's still a work in progress to know that my judging others makes my own world very dismal and it speaks more towards me being an angry and depressed little bastard. Also, when I am not going to enough meetings I get irritable and down on myself. When I make mistakes I start ripping myself and calling myself stupid and asking people why they put up with me and so on.... These are my alcoholic behaviors and I know that now. Thank God (literally) that I have a pause/interrupt button on that stuff now.
Your husband is not there yet and it's frustrating to know that the solution for deflating that mess of a wounded but puffed out ego is right there in AA but he wont go. That is not to say he cannot stay sober though. That disturbed alcoholic thinking is going to find an outlet as you know. I suspect you are much better at dealing with the dry drunk behaviors because that is what you are used to for 15 years and the active drunk behaviors were far more distrurbing. So for today, I can only suggest....close your eyes when he is doing these things, breathe deep, and say in your mind "this is better than him passed out in the closet and better than another DUI" because that is the truth for sure. Right?
Mark, sending you a bunch of cyber hugs right now, LOL! Yes, those things are better than him passed out on the dog pee ridden carpet or getting the DUI, of course, but they are still hard to deal with and I feel constantly at battle with him. If I tell him that I need him to give me a break while we're in the car, he gets sullen and won't speak at all. His passive aggressive behavior comes out and if he does talk he'll say something like this, "Well, you don't want to hear what I have to say so I'll just sit here and not talk at all." Of course, this isn't said in a nice way, it's said in a sappy sarcastic tone in a way to make me feel bad for setting a boundary.
Oh, by the way, I have issues with how other people dress, too, but I keep my mouth shut. My AH will throw everyone under the bus, not one group of humans is exempt from his judgements: old ladies can't drive, tattooed people are freaks(guess I should put off getting my sting ray tattoo...that's a story all by itself, LOL), people who drive American trucks are a-holes, people who drive eco-friendly cars are idiot liberals( I happen to like some of those cars but my opinion doesn't matter), teenagers are stupid(except for our's of course, LOL), basketball players are all criminals, etc, etc, etc.....He's got a comment for EVERYONE! Seriously.
I don't know how this relates to your experience, but here it is for what it's worth. My AH was often incredibly silent. Like, we'd be driving somewhere for six hours and he wouldn't say a word the entire time. I used to wish he'd just say something, anything. Later he opened up and would talk more. And you know what? I didn't like what he had to say. It was often coarse, judgmental, or kind of simple-minded. ("This group of people are all X ... that's because they all Y..." etc.) What I found out was that I hadn't really gotten to know who he was. I mean when we finally felt free to reveal the "real" him, it wasn't entirely someone I liked. It would be nice to think that some of this was the result of the drinking -- but I don't think it was. I think the drinking had just complicated the issue. Take what you like and leave the rest!
Mattie, I had to laugh because that's exactly how I would feel at times. He'd sit on the couch and be extremely quiet for a long time especially when he was depressed. I would get tired of the silence and take it personally and I'd try to get him to talk. Then, he'd speak and I'd totally wish he hadn't! I would say to myself, "Now, what the heck were you trying to accomplish getting him to talk? You knew he was depressed, you knew he would be negative, DUH!"
This thread brings great awareness to me. I think that is so true, GailMichelle, that how you feel inside reflects to how you see the world and how you treat others. I have been judgmental in the past and I no longer feel I have to be that way. I like me and thats a good way to be, Ive learned. Thanks everyone for sharing. ilovedogs, with you in support on your journey.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
I can relate to how hard it can be to live with someone with those "dry drunk" personality traits. In the case of my stbx, those traits are there whether he is dry or wet, and in the absence of him choosing recovery, I found it too damaging for me to live with.
This is my own experience. I found the more I focused on myself (meaning, my well-being, attitudes, beliefs, joy, etc), the more peaceful, positive, and excited about the future i felt. Then, to be around my H with his negativity and hostile insecurities...I gradually found I had crossed some sort of threshold and could not be around a person like him and continue to grow. The more I lovingly detached, the more threatened he felt until we reached critical mass. He refused to honor one of my new boundaries, and that was that.
I honestly don't know how many of us cope with life with a drunk for so long. I know some of you are in unchosen relationships and cannot just walk away. But I got to the point where I felt even Mother Teresa or the Dalai Lama would have reached a limit. I have heard stories of people living in POW camps and maintained their inner peace...but that was not a situation I would wish for myself.
To be clear, I am not urging anyone to leave their relationships, just to say that sometimes living with a drunk (an alcoholic not in recovery) is more than most of us can handle.
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Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
Great share, ILD! My AH is also one of those negative, snarky people right now. Everyone on the road is driving drunk or high. Everyone is an idiot or a jerk, etc. He is even losing patience more and more often with his beloved dog (who he adopted from a rescue organization--the dog's prior owner had beaten him nearly to death with a baseball bat). Add to that the fact that then my AH snaps at me constantly because I'm "so negative" and "always assume the worst."
At first I *really* let that get to me, because obviously he is the one with that problem right now and he's projecting it on to me. Once I pointed out that he was much more negative than me (I know, I know...not the best choice of topics), and he retorted with "guess I'm learning it from you." But then I tried to really look at my own behavior objectively. I WAS being negative and assuming the worst a lot. Since I can only control my own behavior and actions, I'm trying to focus on how I choose to react to situations, and working hard to keep negativity at bay as much as I can.
When I read your thoughts, I wonder if (and am scared to think) the person we are seeing as our AHs stop drinking, is who they really are. I mean, I've never been married to my AH when he wasn't drinking to a certain degree. Does his alcohol change who he is at the core? Is he really an angry, depressed man? I hope not.
I have not yet learned the skills to focus on myself, but I am listening. I hear you all talk about detatching and focusing between my own ears. I am working on that while I wait for the next (first) Al-Anon meeting to attend.
I think you're doing awesome. Let him fight his demons. Be there to support him when he is appropriate. I guess I'm kindof looking at it like a child...he wants attention and right now in his mind, negative attention is better than no attention.
I have faith that our AHs will find their path. It may not be the path that we want them to take, but they will find it regardless. My goal is to find my own path...hopefully one that continues beside him. So whenever you feel snarky, message me instead of talking to him.
