The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Exactly what I thought would happened happened. I told him I appreciate his honesty but I'm not comfortable seeing him after he's been drinking and this is not meant as a punishment. He responded with "this weird 'xxxx' isn't flying. Goodnight".
-- Edited by canadianguy on Sunday 18th of March 2012 01:26:40 AM
I'm new to this site and pretty new to alanon. I'm still learning how this all works.
And I have a question on how to react to certain situations.
My bf has been sober since nye. He doesn't believe in meetings so he's not really doing anything to help himself other than not drinking.
Well just last week he came home from a gig (we r both musicians) and he smelled of alcohol. He admitted he was stressed so he had one drink to calm down. He was proud of himself cuz he stopped at one. I told him I have seen this b4 and I'm worried cuz I believe this will continue and eventually increase. He said it won't become a habbit. Well he has a gig 2nite (st pattys day) and I had a feeling he would drink. Well I was right. He texted me and said. he was stressed and had one drink to calm down and wanted to know if I still wanted to see him tonight. Obviously my fear was correct. He feels he is fine to have a drink and there's nothing wrong since he only had one. Then claimed that he has had less to drink in 3 months than iv had all day (which was one glass of wine).
So my question is do I "punish" him by not letting him come over tonight? Or "enable" him by letting him come over even though he had a drink?
I have no idea what to do.
I can understand how confused this situation can be. In Alanon we believe that alcoholism is a progressive disease over which we are Powerless. We did not cause it, cannot control it, and cannot cure it.. That being said ,It is up to you to decide if you want to see your boyfriend after he has had a drink
Check your motives and decide. If you are tired and do not want to see him that is fine. If you are trying to punish him, or make him change that will not work.
This disease affects all it comes in contact with Denial is a key symptom of the disease Even if your BF feels he can have one drink and not go to AA, I suggest that you check out the alanon face to face meetings in your community Here you will break the isolation caused by this disease and learn new tools for dealing with life in a constructive fashion.
Thanku.
I have been going to the face to face meetings. But the past 3 weeks my schedule has not allowed me to go. I am happy I found this site in the meantime.
Its not that I want to "punish" him. But I feel if I tell him not to come that's what an it means and if I tell him its ok then its excusing his behavior.
I am at work right now and dealing with a bunch of drunks and am afraid if he comes over I will not react well. At the same time if he doesn't come over I'm afraid it will continue to drive a wedge between us.
Great that you are attending meetings. It is not an easy call as to what to do. If you are tired and fear you might not react well to his coming in later on , it might be best to simple state that truth and arrange to see him tomorrow.
If he lives in the home then you could say you are tired and will be asleep when he comes home. and go to bed.
I think that text sounds pretty appropriate to me. We say in al-anon, say what you mean, mean what you say, don't say it mean.
Hi, jules. I want to say welcome. St. Patty's is a rough day. Its over now. I hope you can work out a way to keep getting to your meetings. The more I go, the better I feel, the more happy I get.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
I think (I'm not sure) there is some info on detatchment in the newcomer's packet. If not, the literature person at a meeting should be able to steer you to it. Understanding the difference between loving detatchment and "punishment" was so helpful for me. It helped me remember to check my motives and not focus on how my choices were affecting my AH. Kind detatchment took and takes practice for me, but the meetings and literature really helps. Your confusion is so underastandable, and the "I only had one" bargaining chip was frustrating for me, as I knew, deep down, that the problem was still there. Sending you support and understanding.
Jules, there is a HUGE likelihood that he is going to relapse and that he is in a huge amount of denial. There is nothing you can do in the context of the relationship to make him stay sober. I'm not telling you to break up with him but I am telling you what I know about alcoholism. If you cannot tolerate being with an alcoholic that does not have solid recovery underneath him, you have some difficult choices ahead of you.
The disease of alcoholism has him telling himself and everyone else he is fine....he can stop....he can control it... The end result is very dismal and typically tragic. These are just facts about alcoholism. He is an alcoholic without any program of recovery and on the way to a relapse. You did not cause this, can't cure it, and cannot control it. What will you do? This is what will help you stay focused and eliminate the distractions of his disease, his denial, and your own feelings.
Thanku so much for all the support and info. This is so helpful when I cannot get to a meeting. My next step is to get a sponsor and actually start working the steps.
An update since the "goodnight" text. He texted again last nite stating he's not drunk and could have come over. I explained that he still drank and I would not react well to the smell of alcohol on his breath. He responded with "as long as I'm not mistreating u my choices r my business not yours." I said to him if he continues to drink I don't wanna b with him. And he said he needs a partner not a boss. Which says to me he is planning on continuing this "one drink" thing til he can't stop anymore.
I'm aware he's in denial. He does not believe alcoholism is a disease. He believes it is a choice. One he can control. And I have seen this enough in my life to know where this is going.
Detachment is so hard for me. I love him and I. Don't wanna lose what we have. But I fear it is only a matter of time before he goes into complete relapse.
Jules, what worked for me was setting a boundary. A boundary is like a restaurant's dress code- the customer does not get to decide what to wear. If they don't like the dress code at Restaurant X, they can eat down the street somewhere else. The dress code is not up for debate.
I set a boundary that I do not interact with my soon-to-be-ex when he has been drinking. This might mean I spend the weekend alone, but my boundary was designed to save me the stress of seeing him drunk, hearing him slur derogatory words at me, etc. I don't like that, and the only way to protect myself from it was a boundary. Telling him to stop drinking was not a boundary, because I cannot control that. But I *can* control if I allow myself to be around him drunk.
You may be worried that if you set a boundary like that, you will lose him. Maybe think about what you would really be losing. Good luck.
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Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
