Patting the lion - Al-Anon Family Group

Oksie · Senior Member

Patting the lion

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

For as large a talking habit that I have...I actually have little to no real experience with this. Yes my former wife was an alcoholic/addict and yes I drank (before I met her) with her and also smoked with her because she did and I would experiment and then when the drinking and using got soooo far out of hand (daily and hard with absolutely little to no sanity) I hit rock bottom and called it quits for me. I got into program and my sponsor told me I was going to have to get away from everything alcohol which I did and which meant a large part of my family and my spouse. I was done, there wasn't much left of me especially my emotions and sanity...I quit and walked away and bit the bullet on what life would be without her, family, drugs and alcohol. Made the decision and found my Higher Power just on the otherside of it. I guess you can say that I left the Lion's den...just for me. I've had residual struggles getting away from alcohol...it has taken a long time and I guess it has worked for me the way it is supposed to. HP designed and managed. As for smoking pot I didn't like the smell and still don't and couldn't manage the high or whatever they call it. Booze I did for years until I was toast. It works went you work it. Hope the near future comes out for you and others have better ESH. (((((hugs))))) smile

AStrongerMe · ~*Service Worker*~

I wonder, would it be a possibility for him to stay with his family or friends the entire time and you focus on work and maybe some alone time and completely remove yourself from everything during the visit? Just in idea. And then pick him up on the way home?

Too hard · Senior Member

There are ways that you can access this site while you are away:

I have done this myself while visiting in different states.

At the local library, in backpackers internet cafes and often in the middle of a supermarket you can find a computer and for a few dollars spend some time.

Good Luck. T.H.

Oksie · Senior Member

Yes I may be able to access for short periods of time.. but not like I am now.

I was just hoping for a couple of slogans or something that have helped others in the past.

Something I can just quickly refer to if I feel myself relapsing.. ta ...

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Linda this is nothing new. You are just going to be in a different location.

Remember what they do is none of our business. If we choose to stay with them we accept them as is becuz we cannot change them.

To be looking ahead, wondering what to do with you, thinking about HIS addiction are all signs of relapse, and not letting go and letting God.

He is going to do whatever it is he does, do you truly want to accept him as is?

Can you?

My experience was we would go somewhere, he may have gone to the bathroom drank a bunch of vodka and came back drunk. I accepted him, wanted to be with him, so I had NO reaction. All I cared about was he was still with me.Of course he drank he is an A. Of course he ate steak and potatoes, he is a meat eater.

It just IS. I see one is still reacting to his using. What good is this doing?

Why not just say I will need my car hon so why don't we rent a car for you while we are there?

Whether he is smoking or not, loaded or not is his business. Whether you choose to live with him being a pot smoker is up to you.

It's like adopting a dog you know bites, it bites you. You cannot control that.

Live and let live is simple, let go and let God is too. I like the live and let live myself.

I got where I just loved him and hoped I had more time with him.

Hugs, live and let live, deb

Oksie · Senior Member

I wrote in my post that I accept him as is.

I also wrote it is what it is and I accept that

I am not stressed out, I am not worried or thinking about leaving him or anything. I am making my plan for myself for a time I know I will be faced with the using. I thought that was a clever thing to do.

I read the original as a positive post but perhaps it isn't coming across that way.

I am in no way asking how I stop him from smoking, or what I should do about his smoking.

I have said, he will smoke.. what am I going to do... I am not reacting to his smoking at all. I wrote the first bit as a review of the home situation becasue it has been a while since I posted that story and lots of people are new

I posted in order to get others ESH on some other things I can do as a good positive plan over and above what I have done.

I have put in plans to control my re-actions and take action. I have made it safe for me and I have planned things that I want to do when I am not working. I have reiterated my boundaries but I have NO expectations... expectations are premediated resentments.. I learned that here.

I am not spending money on hiring him a car so he can smoke and use it. He can borrow mine if he needs it (work car) and doesn't smoke that day, or gets his own way around.. shanks pony for all I care.

LIve and let live is a good one thanks Debilyn - I will keep that one in the front of my mind. I will use that if I feel I am starting to stress. Keep it in perspective is another good one.

This is a great experience for me to really put these tools in action. A great opportunity for me to practice and really see if I have come a long way or if I am just full of it!!!!!!

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

It reads like you are preparing to get punched in the face. The codependent in me wants to tell you to just get away from the person throwing the punches and stop trying to find ways to make the punches hurt less. I don't know Linda. You are going to go round and round with this for a long time and your acceptance of him and his pot use may vary and change over time because we are human beings and we are everchanging. Pray on it. All the prep in the world won't help and too much planning is not living in today.

Oksie · Senior Member

wow... and here I thought I was doing well and putting the elements of the program into practice.
I have accepted.
I thought we were told to work out.. what am I going to do...

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Linda

It sounds as if you have covered all the basis. A few telephone numbers of alanon members and a meetings list of meetings in the area might be beneficial.

Otherwise trust your hard work in program, have fun and let us know how it goes smile

Oksie · Senior Member

thankyou so much hotrod
I have an alanon number in my phone
I have alanon tools in my phone

I will trust myself.. back to that other post.. the first person I didn't trust was me.. I will change that... thanks

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I guess that's more what's at the root. Trust yourself (and even more your HP) that you will be okay no matter what. You are not going to flip and ruin your vacation based on whether he smokes or not. You have tools from alanon and it's as simple as that. Perhaps putting it all down in a plan like you did is not overkill. I would never say to an alcoholic that making these types of plans to protect their sobriety was wrong so it certainly is not wrong for you. I just hope that over time it just becomes second nature for you to do these things to preserve your serenity and that it's not so much work.

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

I can only tell you what I eventually did when the ex A went to his mothers and was around his brother (they smoked pot all night long). First of all I stopped going along. I found other things to do. Secondly I stopped fighting it. Thirdly I started finding things to do for me.

Of course I was angry, agrieved and upset. Eventually I got to see that my over reaction was something he played on. When I stopped reacting he had less power over me.

One of the slogans I use a lot is First things first.

when it came to transportation that was a hard one for me. Getting places with an addict is a really difficult topic.

I think having somewhere to vent is so crucial.

Maresie.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.