The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Maresie, this is why I really enjoy your posts. I DEFINITELY identify with this and I could have almost written that post myself. It took a lot of work on myself to have any kind of relationship worth having. It is still a challenge to take care of me and my needs on my own and I am constantly reminding myself that my partner is just someone to enjoy spending time with. This is the most simple and best relationship I could have as my needs are not so tied up in him and what he does or does not do.
Self care is a daily reminder here. I either acted selfish in the past or totally selfless. I either gave everything or I gave up and didn't even try and said "You do it because I can't or it's too complicated." This left me as a person with very drama filled relationships because I hated being so dependent but I refused to grow and take care of myself. I kept myself sick with my own addictions and codependency for years and years. I had no concept of self-care. I am glad to see you are learning to take care of yourself.
Mark
-- Edited by pinkchip on Thursday 15th of March 2012 06:37:45 PM
For most of my adult life I suffered from a tremendous loneliness. Even when I was in a relationship I felt chilled with loneliness and I kept believing that demonstrating my love to my significant other was the way out of that.
What I have learned through al anon was that the loneliness couldn't be cured by a relationship with a 'needy man' it could be cured by paying attention to my needs.
Of course right now I am no where near meeting my needs. I have huge holes in my medical care, dental care, financial needs, support systems and more. At the same time I no longer believe that a relationship is the cure for any of those needs. I craved a relationship much like an alcoholic craved the alcohol. I threw aside all caution, all self preservation, jobs, friends, whatever in order to try to hold onto that relationship. To stop doing that I had to be brought to the point of no return, homeless, penniless and absolutely alone.
I crawled into al anon willing to stop. I also crawled into al anon willing to listen to someone else besides my craving.
In the past when I met an alcoholic who could spin a great tale about their lover, their promises, their wonderful future, I believed them wholeheartedly.
These days when I meet an alcoholic in denial I don't persuade them otherwise I step aside.
Much like an alcoholic had to hit bottom I had to hit my own personal bottom in order to understand my own behavior was equally destructive and suicidal. Crawling out of that took time, patience and perseverance and the support of people I had to be willing to listen to.
I know for me I missed out on the normal dependency needs as a child so it was pretty normal for me to try to have those in adult relationships. My relationships as a child were that I could not depend on my family for emotional nuturing. I could depend on them for a roof over my head and food (which wasn't edible) most of the time. That was it. I could also depend on them for constant unrelenting drama. Every single day was a crisis in my household. Besides being abusive my family could not cope with the most mundane things. They barely functioned and most of the time did not do that....they viewed their children as a tremendous burden and resented them deeply.
So indeed in order to learn how to care for myself I had to unravel all those messages and learned behavior I had about that I had to care for others otherwise I'd be punished.
To me enmeshment seemed very very normal. To me the unrelenting crisis that goes along with an active alcoholic seemed pretty normal too. I grew up around alcoholism it was an every day life fact to clean up and manage an alcoholics life not to mention mental illness, depression and more. When I encountered people who took care of themselves and had reasonable expectations it felt very very odd.
Now I am on the other side of that when I encounter people at work for example who are incredibly manipulative I am shocked that others can't see their behavior. For I assume that everyone has gone through their own al anon studyguides.
In fact most of the world is incredibly dysfunctional, manipulative and it is a challenge to navigate it through. At the same time for me staying in the world I knew of enmeshment, enabling an alcoholic/addict and being deeply depressed is absolutely no longer an option.
