Help please - Al-Anon Family Group

Oksie · Senior Member

Help please

Oksie · Senior Member

Hi guys I need some help.. today if possible!!!! Big ask given the time difference and most of you are asleep.. its now 2pm tuesday afternoon for me.

I have never lied to my husband. I have never kept anything from him. Except whats inside the bright wrapper of his gift on Xmas morning that is.

I am a Nurse. A trusted Health Professional. I work in the counselling and education area of nursing. I do not have children, I do not want children, infact I could honestly say, I am not in favour of children in my life at all.

In order to get this help I will give you a little background.

My husband has two children. I will talk about one of them. He used to live with us fulltime, before I moved in, he lived with his Dad full time with only visits to his mother. She is not a good person. Many issues. When I moved in, this boy was 11 (approx). At 12, the hormones kicked in. I had problems with being around kids in the first place. Add the teenage hormones and things were difficult. the kid was having adjustment issues also. His Dad moved 1500km away (to where I lived) and his Mum did not move. He went to his Mum for Xmas holidays etc. She talked him into staying with her (she wanted the child support money).

Anyway, long story short, after a couple of years of this kid going to and from, and hating both places, and continually changing his mind about where he wanted to live.. his Dad had enough and said.. choose where you want to live son. Son chose his Mum. For many reasons too much for this post, this kid cannot return to our home. While he lived with us, I took him to a child counsellor because I knew this was not good for this young person.

It was a tough couple of years. Relationships were strained. Recently, I have started to talk to this kid (now 16 as of last week) over facebook messages. I have learned today that he has been punched by his step dad. They have constant arguments. There are fights in the house. He has hit his step dad over the head with a metal pole causing step dad to bleed, because he was stopping this man from hurting Mum.

This kid is full of anger. He is currently living in a caravan at his place of work. He has not finished school (which he should have finished late last year) and is not in a good place.

Now... if my husband knew that his kid had been hit by this man... I am not sure what the consequences would be. I promised the kid I wouldn't tell his Dad... He doesnt' want to upset his Dad yet, but the kid did say he would tell his Dad when the time is right. This kid is older than 16 but soooo ofull of hate. I tried to get him interested in seeing someone to talk it thru. I know he has been drinking and is not in a good place.

Please help me with this... how do I not tell my husband?????? How can I keep this from him and respect him and his son????

We are going to where the kid lives next week. I am worried as it is because I know husband will be back with his old mates smoking pot and drinking and stuff. (kids dad hasn't been the best role model either). Im not sure I want this added to the emotions already that will be high (pardon the pun). we are taking his kids out for their birthdays (16 and 21 respectively).

What do I do here?????? Keep my mouth shut and stick to my side of the street? Stand up for this kid who has no one to protect him?? Risk losing his trust to confide in me?? Risk my husband doing something rash? Lie to my husband by not saying anything? Im stuck between a rock and a hard place. I told the kid to go to the police. He said he will when the time is right. He is safe for now living at his workplace.. well.. safe physically but hey.. he is just turned 16

I didn't want kids cos I knew my kids would end up screwed up because of what childhood and early adulthood did to me. Seems the universe gave it to me anyway hey.

How do I get myself into these things??? Addicted to the drama I guess

Too hard · Senior Member

See your P.M....T.H.

rrib · Senior Member

It's hard to know what is really going on from only a FB relationship.

My suggestion would be for dad and you to reach out to develope a 'normal' relationship with the kid. This might be a good time for you and dad to seek ideas from a professional family counselor if you've all be estranged for some time and have some history.

I would think the 1st thing you'd need to ask yourself is if you and dad are really willing to step up to the plate and become role models and parents to the boy?

If you think the abuse is real I suppose an anonymous call to family services might be an easy way out.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Linda I have shared that I worked with many different aged kids.

Teens for some reason trust me, and did share things with me.

What I did was tell them that what they shared is very important, I appreciated them trusting me. However as a mom myself I suggested they talk to someone they trusted in the family also.

I have told kids before to please share what they said to me to the parent also.

He may figure you will tell his dad anyway, maybe it is his way of trying to tell him. NOT meaning you should ruin his trusting you.

Myself I would tell the boy to please talk to his father about it. Maybe ask him if it is ok to let dad know he needs to talk to him.

In the USA if anyone hears of abuse it has to be reported to protect the child.

Sounds like this boy needed someone, he felt safe with you. It is vital not to break confidenses. You are the one he came to with such an important situation in his life. Such a huge compliment Linda. Wish more kids had someone to go to.

I am so proud of you!!!! He saw how you reacted, so it will make it easier to tell Dad.

hugs, please let us know how it goes.

love,debilyn

Oksie · Senior Member

I told him to tell his dad and he said he will.. but not yet

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

Here's what I think I'd do..

Tell hubby I'm concerned and that out of respect to the son, I cannot tell you details.(will hubby badger you until you tell him? ...if so, this may not work)

I'd tell the son that I"m going to tell dad I'm concerned, and encourage him to tell his dad the specifics.

Tell the son that despite the difficulties you all have had in the past, that you care about what happens to him.

So often kids feel SO alone, and feel like it's all their fault.

Hang in there....

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

HI Oakie

This is indeed a difficult situation.

I appreciate all the support you have received here and would second Rehprof's suggestions.

Good Luck

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I have had to call abuse so many times it's instinctual for me (being that I work as a child therapist). I know the kids say not to tell but that is the same as when they say not to tell that someone is molesting them. In the states here we are told to report suspicion of abuse - Only suspicion (this is for mental health counselors - we are mandatory reporters). You have more to go on than just suspicion. You can tell the kid you were also looking out for his best interest for a number of reasons and one of them is that, it will occur to step dad to call the police on him when he hits back and he will wind up with adult charges and they wont believe that step dad hits him or hit him first if the call comes in that way. The police will only see step dad with a bloody head and figure your step son deserves a good beating and that he is a punk that doesn't listen to parents. If you report it now, at least it is known that there are contributory factors to the domestic violence.

I would call abuse investigative services and talk to your husband.

stephaniej · Senior Member

I agree with Pinkchip; if it were me, I would tell my AH. I come to this decision by trying to put myself in his shoes. If it were my child, I would want him to tell me.

Good luck Oksie! Sending you lots of love, hugs, and serenity vibes.

rrib · Senior Member

Debilyn wrote:
if anyone hears of abuse it has to be reported to protect the child.

Well said. The main issue here is what is best for the child.

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

Sounds like you are very hard on yourself.

Personally I no longer have to save the world.

Making a plan be might help.

Maresie.

Oksie · Senior Member

Thanks all
As a Nurse and a counsellor, I am aware of the reporting situation. I actually live with people who work for children services in my home, and my niece is also a psych with the service. At this point in time, the child is safe, has a safety plan and is not in the home.

My issue was with telling my husband.

I woke up this morning to these comments but I made my choice last night.

I chose to tell my husband the full conversation and to also tell him that I told the boy that he would tell his father in due time.

My husband reacted well and appreciated being told and feels he can now read between the lines more when talking to his son and can offer support more knowing the full story.

We have always said we will help him move out, and now that is more imminent.

The boy leaves the state week after next for a few weeks with his work, so we know we have a couple of weeks to work on it. Also, we wil be in the town that he lives next week for my work so they can have a good old chat then.

Thanks for all your responses, I probably would have said the same stuff you guys all did

Oksie · Senior Member

ok
My comment earlier today was still with sleep in my eyes and no coffee in my system.......

I woke up and came straight to the board.

I have reported the domestic violence anonymously as I said I would. There is nothing they can do I have been told. I do not have enough details (ie dates of birth of the mother and her partner etc).
I reported that the child was involved in the DV but that I am making this report anonymously and no, I do not know the exact date and location of the abuse. I advised them several times that I am abiding by the my own ethical guide to report this stuff, and also the law that stands in my state that EVERY person MUST.. mandatory.. report Domestic Violence or the threat of DV or even if we think DV MAY be happening, this is totally irrespective of your profession.. it is a responsibility of EVERY individual. I did make mention to the person on the phone.. whats the point of that law if I have to know every little detail of the person.... I dont' know the date of birth of my neighbour either but I ring when I hear her screaming!!!! Anyway, I have reported what I know.

It was never in question for me to make the anonymous call to the police. As I said in my other posts.. I encouraged the kid to go to the police. I told him I would report it anonymously. When I said that he asked me not to. I did not elaborate on that element too much in my posts because that was not my question/dilemma and I didn't want to totally make people read for hours about every other detail when I wanted to cut to the chase of my issue.

I see now I should have made that clearer.

What was my dilemma was if I should tell my husband all of this. I have never lied to him and this was not an easy choice for me. I can't make an anonymous phone call to my husband now can I.

I decided to tell him. My loyalty is to my husband, his loyalty is to me and his son. We talked quietly about it for some time. Yes my husband is upset and concerned and he fully understands why his son would want to tell him on his own terms.
We decided to give his son that opportunity next week when we visit his town. My husband now knows how to steer the conversation to encourage the boy to talk to him. I trust my husband will maintain my confidence and he said that he appreciates the delicacy of the admission on behalf of his son to me.. a person who hardly knows him. He will respect that.

I believe this situation was hard for me as I have lived through so much violence that was kept secret.

I feel much calmer now and I know we can put wheels in motion to help that young man out as much as we can. I offered him to come to us and he said No thankyou.

I kinda feel like I stood up for the kid as well as the many parts of me. The child that was never supported or believed. The young teenager so full of hate. The young adult abused violenty and no one reported me screaming. The adult professional woman that has made so many reports outside of her family for others I have lost count. The educator who only yesterday facilitated training for At Risk families and Abuse Prevention..... The Universe has been giving me great big neon signs around taking off the shroud of silence.

I chose to lose the hypocricy of silence on my behalf and tell my husband. My childhood was filled with secrets and lies.... my adulthood will not be the same.

I thank you all for your thoughts, strenth and the hope and your quick responses. Its just the time difference that makes it difficult. I found myself in a crisis and I came here... thanks for catching me.

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Linda,

I am so glad to read that your decision has made you feel better.

Just to share my experience on this subject:

I work with students of all ages, clear up to high school at one time. I have had many students share with me the abusive situations. I am mandated by law to report it. I was up front with them and told them what I had to do. Sometimes, I would tell them my obligations before they began to talk. The talked anyway.

All of them were happy that I reported the abuse. Some cases were tougher than others for I thought that I had lost their trust. But every time, that was not the result.

Again, so flad you are feeling better.

Oksie · Senior Member

Yeah I have reported plenty of times in my professional job.
Always different when its not 'work' related.

Thanks

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