The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I joined this group last spring and started attending face-to-face meetings, I've been doing a lot of reading, counseling, working through the steps. Last June, my ex-ABF and I broke up after 3 years together and Alanon has been such a wonderful part of my life during this last year. I'm so thankful to have found Alanon and this group. I feel more emotionally healthy than ever before but I'm now being really challenged by my life and am looking for some support and wisdom. This is pretty long, but I'd sure appreciate any words of encouragement and even advice...
I've been doing really well and healing from that relationship, preparing to move on, making plans for my future and coping really well with life... until the last couple weeks.
About a week ago, I went to the ER with terrible abdominal pains/cramps. It was extremely painful and scary in the middle of the night. I was sent home with pain meds and have followed up with several doctors. It's looking like I might have endometriosis, a condition that can cause chronic pain and in severe cases can cause infertility or require a hysterectomy. I'm starting to feel better, a week later my stomach still hurts.
I'm really scared. I still don't know what's actually going on with me. A conclusive diagnosis will take some time and additional procedures. I'm afraid it's endometriosis and afraid it's something else. The unknown is frightening. I'm worried about the medical crap I have to do. I don't even like to have blood tests or go to appointments and now I have to maybe do a lot of that. I'm afraid of surgery. I'm afraid that this might make me infertile. I've always wanted a family more than anything and as I face this along with my 34th birthday, I'm increasingly worried I might not be able to.
I'm also feeling overwhelmed at work. I recently had a big addition to my work load and a lot more responsibility. And I probably have to move in the next couple months and I'm really worried about the finances of my move and how to support myself on my own in a new place.
I'm trying to take things one step at a time and to have faith in my higher power. I keep counting my blessings and really really trying to stay positive. I'm also trying to seek out the support I need. I feel overwhelmed and anxious and really want to get back to a place where I feel a little more balanced and strong.
I have a couple things I'm struggling with - One, my family. I'm close with my family and I really love them. I believe they do their best to love me, but I have often found that they can't really be there for me when I need encouragement and support. My parents tend to be negative, critical and fearful. That's exactly what I'm trying to get away from. My brothers tend to be focused on their own lives and don't seem to really care about what's going on with me. My family is often one of those hardware store/bread situations. I want to be realistic about what they can provide for me. Accept the things I cannot change.... It's hard to do. I want to keep a good relationship with them, but to not expect them to meet the needs I have for positive encouragement. I also need to maintain good boundaries so that I don't take on their anxiety and negativity during this tough time for me.
I'm also struggling with going through this as a single person. I don't think I've ever been through such a tough time while single before. It's had me missing my ex. I do not want to get back together. I do not regret breaking up. I do not, in any part of my brain, think that there's any way we could work out together. Still, there were a lot of good things about being together and I so miss having someone to wrap me up in his arms. I need to stay away from him and to avoid falling into some kind of situation just because I feel so freaked out and need somebody. I recently tried to start dating again and now I'm thinking this is not a good time.
So... I always used to go to my family and to my boyfriend when I needed support. It didn't work well for me a lot of the time because I was going to people who couldn't really be positive, encouraging, and able to empathize with me. Just to hear someone say, and mean it, that I'm going to be okay, to remind me to focus on the positives but to also hold me and let me cry would be so good. When those people couldn't be positive, I used to take on their fears and negativity in addition to my own. I think I also used to be hurt and down on myself when I needed an expression of love that I didn't get.
I've recovered enough to know that didn't work for me, but I don't know quite what to do instead. I'm trying to be more open with my friends and I will go back for counseling, I'm writing here, I may go back to some meetings, and I'm trying to pray and rely on my higher power. Any ESH on this would be helpful.
So I keep reminding myself to take this one step at a time, to breathe, to be positive and hopeful. Nothing is decided yet, there may not be anything really wrong with me. Even if there is, I will be okay one way or another. I have so much to be grateful for, including medical insurance and good doctors. I think I just have a really hard time calming myself down when I'm hurting and so worried.
I guess that about covers it. Thank you for reading and for any ESH, support and even prayers that you might have to offer. I'd love to hear from folks who have been through something similar and developed new support networks, any advice?
(((Doozy))) , I'm so sorry to hear of what you're dealing with. Please know that we're here for you. And so is your hp. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
So glad that you went to the ER and received some treatment for your pain. . The follow up tests and process is difficult and it does help to walk thru it with positive support. I would up my meetings,up my alanon calls and ask a alanon member to accompany me on the trips to the doctor's office.. I have supported many members in this fashion and they myself.
During this whole process I learned not to project. Go to each test, walk thru it and congratulate yourself for having the courage to show up. Then move on to the next test. HP is with you and will give you the wisdom and courage to keep showing up and to handle the results.
Please come back here and let us know how you are doing.
Thanks! I do really appreciate the kind words. Betty, those are really good ideas about seeking even more help from alanon members here. I haven't taken advantage of calling members locally and hadn't thought of asking someone to come with me, but I'm sure there are people who would be good positive support and willing to help. Getting support from someone in the program would really really help me stay positive and continue to focus on my program which will help me stay healthy!
Doozy .. I haven't yet been through a situation such as yours medically, but each and everyone of us i'm sure can relate to pain, fear, loss, grief, insecurity, worry, projection, negativity .. it's our common bond in that we all share the bond of everyday humanity ..
in my experience, i've come to recognise that i really grew up believing faith was either something i had or didn't have; i didn't know i had to work at it and that it would come little by little through the positive experiences of turning over situations filled with the above anxieties and watching hp turn them around .. The great thing about a higher power is that it needs to be a power greater than our fears, negativity, worries, anxieties, etc.. and from what i've experienced, the serenity at meetings through times filled with above can only come from a Greater power .. Serenity, trust, love, faith, wisdom, hope, etc., are all Greater powers than fear, obssession, worry, anxiety, negativity, etc..
It helps me to remember in times like these that my higher power works through people .. he goes to work in hospitals and places as such everyday of the week 24/7 .. Going to the doctor is the first Admission of Powerlessness .. you've turned it over and now .. the results and outcomes are up to higher power .. Knowing that nothing happens by mistake through the steps, you are right where you are supposed to be .. in the hands of the doctors ..
As for families I completely understand the bread/hardware store thing .. What I'm realising today is that i grew up with many illusions .. i survived the Effects of alcoholism or rather thinking and behaviors through fantasy .. makes sense when i was told how things were wasn't really the way they are .. after surviving an 11 year relationship that ended in September of this year (6 months ago) .. I also completely understand the losses and the natural desire to want to turn back when things get hard.. yet I know for me .. the x alcoholic boyfriend isn't the answer to my serenity or sanity .. i used to think i controlled him until i learned i never had control, i had the illusion .. i never had power, i had the illusions, etc.. one of the illusions i've recognised recently is that it's an illusion to think what we need can truly come from the alcs .. even if there are those or those affected that are in my family .. it's the power of the grips of this disease we feel and it's Effects are truly baffling, manipulating, cunning, dominating, etc.. I've only just begin to kick around the illusion of hp .. my illusion isn't that God can heal me, it's that he can't .. the fact I begin to think he can't is part of my illusion .. the part I struggle with myself is that I don't always get to decide what He wants .. yet the truth is, I'm learning his way is always better .. regardless of what we go through .. i know i may not have the alcoholic replaced by other people at the moment I want them .. or situations .. or who knows, maybe someday the outcome of my health .. but what I do know is that eventually through sharing Anger is replaced with Serenity .. doubt with trust, despair with hope, darkness with light, blindness with wisdom, etc .. these things i get to take in ..
it truly is one day at a time .. i listended to someone last night who mentioned choosing faith over fear .. both of these ask us to believe in something .. fear asks us to believe in the worst, etc.. and faith asks us to believe in the hope, trust, wisdom, love, kindness of our experiences through higher power ..
hang in there .. (( Very much thinking of you .. keep turning to Us .. We each have more to give at different times .. at least the majority of time, you will find that loaf of bread !! )) which wow when i think of it .. the our father which says give us this day our daily bread .. is asking us God to give us the bread we go looking for .. Hope you don't mind me typing that .. I have complete respect for all persons beliefs of higher power .. I just love the way this program works .. in giving; i am getting ..
Those were some very powerful and helpful words for me. I really really appreciate what you've shared. My faith is new and growing and I very much identify with what you said. I have definitely lived with many of the same illusions - illusions about my family and myself, illusions about my ex, illusions about what I can do with my life through a higher power. I see addiction as a fundamentally dishonest thing, a power that breaks down and warps truth and makes the addicts and those around them try to cope with these illusions. Illusions like I don't have a problem, It's all your fault, I can change, I can change him, If he loved me he would, If you were good enough I would, This is no problem, Everything is problem, craziness... Hard times risk throwing us back into old patterns. I'm so relieved to be breaking out of that and I don't want to go back.
I like the reminder that our higher power works through people including everyone at the hospital and doctor's office. I also am really struck by that link to the Lord's Prayer... give us this day our daily bread. How wonderful!! I never made that connection before and now I think I will always remember it with a special meaning! Love is the bread I need. I already know where I can't find it - the infamous hardware store. That's progress, just to stop looking in the wrong place! I'm starting to learn where I can find it. I am sure that I will find even more with some prayer and asking my higher power to please give me that daily bread in whatever form it's going to take that day. I think that exercise would help me recognize the love I receive in my daily life already that I may not recognize fully, and my hope is to build better and deeper relationships as I grow. That's a really wonderful thought.
So I'm fasting for a blood test tomorrow morning. I will pray for my daily bread in the morning and carry with me the knowledge that my higher power is at work through all of this including the lab technician. Then, I'm going to get to some meetings and I'm going to get a new phone sheet and actually make some calls. I don't know why I never did that before. I wonder if I felt unworthy somehow, like they don't want to talk to me. That's silly.
You don't know how strong you can be until strong is the only choice you have....
You will get to the other side of this....and if people are there for you in ways you need or not, you are a worthy wonderful valuable human being....how other people behave is NOT a reflection of your worth...
It's very interesting when it comes to making phone calls for some reason that little phone winds up weighing 250lbs when it comes to picking it up and dialing it for something I need. That's what has always made it hard for me to reach out, plus OMGosh what if someone says NO!? Or maybe they don't call me back, maybe, maybe maybe and fill in the blank. I have never had that experience from the group here. If I did .. I just keep asking.
If at first you don't succeed try try try again. Sending you lots and lots of prayers. One moment at a time, please post an update as to what is going on.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I am sorry you have been experiencing these pains and fears. I have had a similar experience with a condition that took 6 years to diagnose. It can be frustrating and scary. I found that I used my AlAnon tool box with my doctors, insurance companies and family during that time. I also found a group, although it is online due to the rarity, of people who have the same condition. Just like our experience in AlAnon of ESH, hearing the experiences of many has made the options and making hard decisions so much easier. Never failed that I got exactly what I needed when I needed it most from my support system. But it has been surprising how often it comes from the last place I would expect :)
Try to practice letting go and hand the worry over, take the next right step and you'll find the best route for you. You're in my thoughts.
Real life support systems are so important for us. I'm sorry you haven't been able to rely on the "built in" ones we get as a gift from God (family, etc).
When I found myself without a local real life support system (my family is all a few hours away), I knew I needed one when I was going through the darkest moments of divorce and high stress of learning to support me and my kids alone. I joined a meet up group (they are online at www.meetup.com) and maybe you won't find one near you but I encourage you to find a way to connect with people that share similar interests with you.
You've gotten a lot of good support and information here, but I've learned that nothing replaces people we can see in real life. And having done meetings, I've found that the need to keep things anonymous has often precluded taking friendships further (although in one case one lady and I got on very well for quite some time until I moved).
Build a real life support system. The friendship, support, love and fun I've gained from my single parent group has been second to none. These people have talked me through so much and been there for me and my kids and without them I'd have feel alone and isolated.
You have a lot going on, your feelings are normal and ok. I hope you can build a base on whatever real life support you have and maybe include people going through the same thing you are or with an outside interest you share. Big hugs to you.
Building a new support system doesn't happen overnight. Trial and error is part of it.
I think there is a lot of wisdom in al anon about marrying urgency with patience. You need both to get through this time. Mastering that doesn't happen overnight either.
Doozy, I have a severe case of endometriosis and had 2 surgeries for it in my life, I am 33 and have 2 kids. I also don't have much support, but with my sponsor and HP I am covered when it comes down to it.Keep your head up! I can relate to lots of your share and am sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
