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Post Info TOPIC: Why is it always the non alcoholic that is the bad guy?


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Why is it always the non alcoholic that is the bad guy?


I dont understand why I feel guilty when I ask him not drink when he is with the children. He tells me that Im trying to control him that Im nothing to him and that I can live my life the way I chose and he will do the same. I almost feel pathetic to ask for that and then he says things that make me second guess myself and feel bad. I am not trying to control him in fact he was the controlling one.

 He has moved on and I have not so it hurts even more because I feel like its all my fault and that maybe he hit me because Im flawed and his high school love that he has reconnected with deserves and will receive love from him. I drank with him occasionally before he hit me.  I was in denial and didnt want to believe he had a problem either. I left him shortly after that though and he went to rehab. New girl drinks with him and  his mother a recovering alcoholic with 25 years of sobriety support him. I cannot make sense of the senselessness or is it me?

 



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~*Service Worker*~

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Aloha Sara and welcome to MIP...Yes it is you and that is what you can change so stick around.  It's about disease not morals and it's not about bad choices or wishes it's often time about poor expectations of people unable to meet those expectations...the alcoholic.

If you expect him to accept your values and perceptions and choice of behaviors change your expectations...he will not and he will defend his and he willl go one with what he feels is right for him regardless of how he justifies it and how you judge it.  Alcoholism is a disease of the mind, body, spirit and emotions;  it's about being totally sick and affecting those around us with it.  Alcoholism is communicable...yep it reaches out and touches others.

You are not the bad guy...you are just the one without the program which helps you attain and maintain peace of mind and serenity yet.  Are you attending face to face Al-Anon Family Group meetings in your area?  The hotline number is in the white pages of your local telelphone book.

Keep coming back here for much more feedback from others in the MIP family.    ((((hugs)))) smile



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~*Service Worker*~

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no sense exists in that world! I'd have to recommend that you don't ask him to do or not do anything. It's sort of like blowing on a brick wall - it's not going anywhere but back at you. This program can help you find your own sanity and back out of his insanity.

My ex has struggled with drinking (I'd say he's early stages of building tolerance, he didn't drink prior) after I left him and even the courts ordered an alcohol evaluation that came up "he's fine" but the kids counselor told him he's not fine. It didn't do a damn bit of good and the courts still gave him partial custody. CPS told me I have the right to pick them up when he is drunk, that's the only thing that got him to stop drinking when they are there. He still has the problem.

That road right there ^ sucks. It resulted in nothing but headaches for me and my kids. I wish I could offer a better outcome :(

I do a lot of reading on "boundaries" because my ex is controlling and abusive and unstable. He does not respect my boundaries so I have to make him. He hates it, the first 3 years of it were met with threats, lies, court appointments, attempts to trap me, using the kids to get information and a doze other insane tactics. Now he learned it didnt' work and I stopped caring that he was doing it. BUT BUT BUT that was a two way street, I had to watch my own boundaries and the very first thing to learn? I have no control over him and there is no point in asking him to do or not do something. He has a mind of his own and it leads to wasted time in arguments and more boundary issues.

So I never ever tell my ex to do anything. I never ask him to stop anything EXCEPT crossing my boundaries (ie: calling me names in front of the kids I will say "do not speak to me like that, we are done talking" and walk away). I know that one is supposed to be phrased 'I will not tolerate being spoken to that way" but for him I learned he only responded to the first one.

Once we get the "what is my issue" and "what is their issue" part - the rest is a lot easier. It's hard when kids are involved because it is very easy to try and make their issue ours because our kids are affected. But the truth is, it's not. You can work with CPS and the courts to minimize time with him but you have to be VERY strong because sometimes you will win, and sometimes you will lose and it's painful and in the end. But on that part of this thing, I always felt my kids deserved me fighting for at least that. There was no point in asking him to be reasonable, courts and evidence were the only thing he was going to respond to :( I have to add in my case, the issues with my ex were not just an early drinking problem - there was abuse of all kinds and several other serious issues. He was a danger to my kids.

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~*Service Worker*~

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hmmm. The non-alcoholic is the "bad guy?"

According to WHOM?!!!!!!!

If it's according to the alcoholic, I would consider the source. Non-alcoholics don't enable their good fun, of course.

I really encourage you to get to meetings, that is where I was able to build myself up after all that alcoholic confusion. It was in a meeting that I heard my husband was not just an alcoholic around me, he was an alcoholic everywhere he went and he would bring his alcoholism into his next relationship. That made me wanna say some prayers for the next gal.

He is not going to magically be a new person in a new relationship, sweetie. Let's hope this poor girl survives an abusive relationship. Unlike you, she may not believe she is worth more. I am so glad that you know (((big hugs)))



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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.



~*Service Worker*~

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hi, I don't know how old the kids are.But we learn to change what we can. If they are old enough, four or five is, we can teach our kids how to call us or gma or whoever if they do not feel safe.

They need to be taught about 911 too.

I know it is a very hard situation to be in. I could not in good conscience leave my kids with someone who drinks. Knowing what I do, for me it is a no.

If he asked me why not, I would say how would you feel if I left them with a babysitter who drinks?

The kids need to know how to protect themselves and what is alright and what is not. Even if they were with someone fighting and yelling you bet I want them to call me to come get them. Kids need to know this, plus who knows who they allow over to their place.

Kids are very smart, if we explain things, listen to what they think, that is something we can do for them. Its priceless for them to know how to protect themselves.

sincerely,debilyn



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Welcome Sara.  You're not the bad guy, you're the scapegoat.  You have the right to put boundaries in place to keep your children safe.  That isn't trying to control your ex husband.  It's love for your children, common sense and healthy thinking. With alcoholics drinking comes first. 

As far as being "flawed," all human beings are flawed including your alcoholic ex husband.  He had no right to hit you.  No one has a right to hit you.  No one deserves that kind of treatment. From what I've heard that kind of behavior doesn't end just because the violent abuser switches partners.

When someone doesn't want to recover in AA, it's easy to blame their spouse and find a new drinking partner and decide that person is the love of their life. Those of in the Alanon program know from experience that the real love of an active alcoholic's life is alcohol. 

If you haven't found an in person alanon meeting, I would suggest you give meetings a try.  Look at the schedule for meetings at this site, if you don't have anyone to watch the kids.  If you have the willingness, this program can really change your life for the better. 

I realize just because your ex didn't treat you well, you can't just unlove him just like that but with the way he was treating you, he really did not deserve you.  The day may come when he gets sober and if he is working a program, he may make an amends to you for that abuse.  Now you have the freedom to restore your own sanity and quality of life for you and your kids.  This is really best time of your life although it may not feel like it right now.  You can learn who Sara is. What you like what you don't and not have your day dictated by what your alcoholic ex husband is or isn't doing (except when it come to your kids of course).  I hope you'll keep coming back to recover with us.  You're a great investment. TT

 



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~*Service Worker*~

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tiredtonite wrote:

You're not the bad guy, you're the scapegoat. 


 I love that TiredTonite

Welcome Sara, it is true. Many of us were blamed for the sky falling or not being good enough or whatever made it acceptable to continue the addiction. Not only by my exAH but his family, friends, work ... etc. I understand now they wanted to believe his perspective as much as I once did to continue denying the extenet of the addiction.

The 3 C's are the foundation of my AlAnon tools. You did not cause it, you can not control it, and you can not cure it. But you can take care of you!

Jen



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~*Service Worker*~

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Hi Sara - your question is a very valid one, and it is one of the most difficult aspects for all of us to comprehend, but in a nutshell, we are asking why 'sick and irrational' people will not behave in healthy and rational ways....

Trying to please an active alcoholic tends to be somewhat of a fruitless effort, and this is highlighted in the joke below.... Sad but true.

 

Take care

Tom

 

 

The following joke is a great example of how difficult it is to please an alcoholic.  Sad but true

 

One day, the supportive wife of an alcoholic gets up early and wants to please her hubby.  She makes him a nice breakfast, with two scrambled eggs.  He comes downstairs, grouchy as ever, and complains about his breakfast, saying only that he wanted sunny side up.  She walks away, disappointed again.

 

The next day, the supportive wife gets up early and wants to please her hubby again, so she makes him a nice breakfast, with two eggs sunny side up.  She waits for him to come down, anticipating a better response than the day before.  He comes downstairs, grouchy as ever, and complains about his breakfast, saying only that today, I wanted scrambled.  She walks away, disappointed yet again.

 

On the third day, the supportive wife gets a great idea, and one that she is SURE will please her hubby.  She gets up early, and makes him a nice breakfast with two eggs one scrambled and one sunny side up.  She waits for him, quite proud of herself, and 100% sure that he will now be pleased.  He comes downstairs, grouchy as ever, and complains (yet again) about his breakfast.  She asks, incredulously how can you possibly be unhappy this time?  I made you one of each!!!.  To which, hubby simply replied you scrambled the wrong egg!

 

For any of us who have lived with an alcoholic, there is some irony and truth to this joke.



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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

"What you think of me is none of my business"

"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"

 

 

 

 



~*Service Worker*~

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HI Sara
Just to Piggy Back on to Tom's response. Living with the disease of alcoholism and trying to respond to the insanity which bombards us on a daily bases; we become changed. We loose our Self Esteem and our ability to trust our judgement.
 
I urge you to seek out alanon Face to Face meetings in your community. Here you will connect with people who understand as few others can.
 
You can break the isolation fostered by this disease,.Developing new tools that will enable you to find yourself and your true value is a true gift of this program
 
Alanon meetings can be found by checking the white pages of the telephone book.
 
 Please keep coming back her You are worth it.


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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

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~*Service Worker*~

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Parents will just about always side with their bio-child. Don't even sweat that one. Doesn't matter if mom has 25 years of sobriety. That is her son and you are the ex. As far as the rest goes, it sounds like you are still hurting over him and hurting over the loss and past abuse. Those are things to work on in the program of alanon (letting go) but also in therapy and just over time (as time will heal some of this). He truly cannot hurt you when you don't care anymore. At that point you would just take action about his drinking around the kids. You would be like "sorry....I told you no drinking around the kids and I meant it. I don't care what you call me or if you think I'm controlling. That's my boundary." Right now it sounds like your heart is still very much hurting over him. Sorry you are going through this.

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Senior Member

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pinkchip wrote:

He truly cannot hurt you when you don't care anymore. 


 That is a powerful statement, pinkchip. And so true. 



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