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Gar. How can I sum this up... it seems hopelessly complicated and my mind races all around trying to make sense of the mess...
My husband and I have been married for almost 17 years. We have two kids, 13 and 9.
My husband was very recently fired from a job after failing a drug test for marijuana. He is full of excuses and rationalizations. He SWEARS that he failed the test due to second hand exposure although he does admit that he smoked in the recent past after the death of his aunt, which he was soooo upset about even though they were not close and spent very little time together even though we both live in the same small town. She was a drinker and a pot smoker. I was filled with rage, not just anger, it was rage. I cannot believe that he would do that to his family... smoking pot knowing that he would risk everything - his job, which supports his family, his marriage, his kids. He says that he 'didn't even think about it' when I asked him why? Why would he do that? and that he was soooo upset about his aunt and worried about his own parents, which are a whole 'nother issue. I have told him that I want to leave. He fires back with, you're going to give up on our family? I can't believe that you aren't going to fight for your family! I think we have something to fight for! And I come back at him with, how was doing drugs and losing your job thinking about your family??? And he jumps right back into the excuses of how upset he was and why can't I just forgive him and he's trying and that it will NEVER happen again! I haved smelled pot on him and in our garage in the past. I have asked him about it and he has always denied using it. Now I feel like a fool that I believed him - or more like knew that I was right but chose to believe him because I wanted to so badly. I feel like I have already given up on my bottom line, my dealbreakers, just by staying at all. Drug use is not something that I want to tolerate, especially with a teenage son to set an example for.
A friend of my son's whose dad works at the company that my husband was fired from told my son that his dad said that we (both he and I) are drug users and that he can't come to our house anymore. Ohhh the momma bear roared at that! Here is his 13 year old son having to deal with something like that. And, of course, boy loves his dad and jumps to his defense. He defends his dad with me too. Mom! Why are you mad at dad! He said he wasn't smoking pot! He wasn't lying to you! My teacher said that you can get high from being around someone else who is smoking! He was telling you the truth! Dad's trying! Are you going to get divorced???? My daughter has also asked if we are going to get divorced.
He lost a job that meant everything to him about 5/6 years ago. He never really recovered from that and has been very different since. He spent at least the next year and a half mostly umemployed and drinking heavily. I would come home from work at 8 or 9 at night and he would be druink and our kids would not have had dinner. :( Friends stopped hanging out with him and started avoiding contact, later telling me that they weren't interested in just hanging around the campfire and drinking which was all that he wanted to do. When I confronted him about the drinking, he did stop, saying that he had no idea that it was a problem. Ummmm... okay. The loss of that job had the same pattern as his most recent job loss. We LOVE _______, he's wonderful! We're so lucky to have him! (at some point in the future) ________ has some trouble getting along with others. Needs to respect his superiors. (and then in the very near future) _________ is fired. And I sit back and go WTF just happened? His story is also a pattern that has been the same. My boss is an asshole! That guy had it out for me! I either did or didn't do what they said I did/didn't do - whichever one makes him look blameless. Ahhh - that was a crappy place to work anyway! I have since found out that there is a pattern of husband lying and that there was a suspicion of drug use when he lost his first job. When people from there heard that he had lost a second, they were not surprised. :(
Our finances are a complete wreck. He lost this most recent job just when we were starting to get back on our feet again.
I come here looking for sanity and hands to reach out for. I don't think that he has told me the truth in the past, is likely to not tell me the truth now or in the future without serious help and changes by BOTH of us. He begs and pleads and promises that he'll do "anything it takes" to keep me with him. I think though that he will do anything it takes to get me to go back to being complacent and not saying anything about his problem and allowing it to happen so that he can be happy and go right back to the same behaviors and avoid the consequences of what he has done. I don't know if I have any more give or try in me. I know that I have no control over him. I need help to stir up the courage to do what I need to do for ME and for my kids. He has gone to a couple of therapy appointments, not by choice so much, but in the spirit of "I'll do anything" and I'll go if you think I need to go but I don't have a problem. Now, after two appointments, he thinks it is a waste of time and money. I have gone to one session for myself and we have an appointment with a marriage counselor this week. But, like I said, I don't even know if I have the try left in me. He is the king of put a happy face on it and act like there is no problem until it goes away. Pshaw! I don't smoke pot! Ignore those calls from the bill collectors, they'll stop calling and it will go away... or maybe you'll get fired after failing a drug test and your wife will leave you. Or those collectors will garnish your paycheck...
I have great friends that have been supportive and wonderful. It would be tough, but I could make it on my own. I have a great job that pays pretty well. When I am with my friends, or by myself, I totally have handle on it. I feel like I know what I want and what I need and want to do. I get home and am with him, who can be soooo persuasive and seem so earnest, and I'm there surrounded by "our" life and it only takes about 5 minutes for me to feel like I'M the crazy one and get flooded with guilt and disbelief that *I* am thinking about breaking up our family. And then, when I'm away again, I think, my God, I have been talked back into crazy again, just like that, and then I'm mad at myself and it's a crazy round and round and round.
Are you attending face to face meetings? I can empathize with how hard things can be when money pressure is upon us. With the face to face meetings you will find out that you aren't alone and that you can find that serenity and sanity you are seeking.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Aloha SS...Pushka gave you the key and you used it to look up where we get together in your area. You most likely will not find sanity alone unless you are really skilled and trusting in Power Greater than yourself. That is from our second step...."Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could lead us to Sanity".
Part of the insanity for me was spending too much time on the rationalization of why she drank and used. They didn't fit because I was thinking that she was normal and rational and sane until I learned that "abnormal is what is normal" in an alcoholic and addicted relationship.
Welcome to the board...keep spending time on it...researching back on the post cause you will become informed and I hope your attendance in the face to face meetings of Al-Anon do for you what they did for me...saved my life and mind and spirit and...everything else.
OMG! You and I have got to talk. I can sooo relate to your post. Welcome! Just signed up not long ago myself. Reading the knowledge here has been very helpful, nice people, and it helps just knowing that I'm not alone even if it's 4am and I can't sleep.
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G Llewellyn
I would love to talk. And yes, I completely agree that it feels so good to know that I am not alone. It really helps that people are so willing to share their stories and talk about how they are making it through, or made it through. It gives me hope.
