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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> When the A sounds lucid and believable
Post Info TOPIC: When the A sounds lucid and believable
ilovedogs


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When the A sounds lucid and believable
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So, my AH caught me crying last night. I am finally mourning the loss of my dad who passed away 3 months ago. I was not crying about AHs crap. He asked me what was wrong and I told him that it was just life getting me down and took that as an invitation to discuss a few things. It was the first conversation wwe've had since the DUI where he didn't blame, took full responsibility, and said he wants his family back. He looked somber and sincere. He even invited me to go to his psych appointment on Monday but I turned him down as I think he needs his private time with his therapist and doesn't need me there. I told him that I want to trust him again but that it will take time and that I still have my wall up. Actions speak louder than words as far as I'm concerned. I had to remind him that it was just 3 days prior that he was blaming me and proclaiming that I am not capable of forgiveness, etc. it's not like it was months go. My plan is to be compassionate, work my program, work on my trust issues with my therapist, and take one day at a time. Right now I'm just confused and don't know what to believe.

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emil


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I feel like the "trust issue" is by far the most difficult aspect of the disease. I truly believe that the illness creates the drinker to believe the lies and the guilt allows them to lie to the people they love. When they are drinking their judgement is truly impaired, so it is impossible for them to be rational. You are doing all the right things. Working with the program and speaking to your therapist about trust will bring you peace. I am doing the same thing. All we really can do is try to live in the present and take it one day at a time. I really believe in the saying "Let Go and Let God."

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Debilyn


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For me accepting people how they are, what they do, how they think is the answer. I don't trust or distrust. I choose to have them in my life and they are precious to me just how they are.

To me being concerned if I can trust them or not is a waste of time. I don't want to set them up that way. If they do as they say great if not, it was their choice.

If it is too uncomfortable for me, I end the friendship. Its not fair for me to make them into something they are not.

A's lie, they just do, and most believe their own lies. that is how their brains work.

If I hear an A in my life lie, I sorta just listen and in a way feel compassion.

Has made my life so much easier. I mean what is trust? Trust to show up? Trust to always do as you say? what is it to you? I trust people to do their best, to make mistakes, to be who they are. Who am I to critique them?

If they fail to  connect with me, are not there, then well they are not my friend are they? It is their choice. It is up to me to decide if I will allow them into my heart or just mellow out and let it go. If people love me they show it. If they don't, I cannot force it. Its painful yes, happens with family members too.

maybe trusting ourselves to be forgiving and accepting is more what is important.? love! debilyn



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Pushka


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I'm going to cross talk here Deb .. thank you for post because I really needed to read what you wrote.

"Has made my life so much easier. I mean what is trust? Trust to show up? Trust to always do as you say? what is it to you? I trust people to do their best, to make mistakes, to be who they are. Who am I to critique them?

If they fail to connect with me, are not there, then well they are not my friend are they? It is their choice. It is up to me to decide if I will allow them into my heart or just mellow out and let it go. If people love me they show it. If they don't, I cannot force it. Its painful yes, happens with family members too."


ILD, .. hugs I know it's not easy and all you can do is take it one day at a time. What Deb said is a wealth of information and very very true.

Hugs P :)

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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
pinkchip


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That sounds as good as it could be at the moment ILD. At least you guys communicated well. Even if he doesn't go to AA, if he just stays dry, he will regain some sober frame of reference and be substantially more grounded.



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ilovedogs


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Ah, the trust issue. I had a major trust thing pop up last night. AH came home after a quick trip to Hobby Lobby to pick up some posters he had made. When he came home he came through the house and walked to his office avoiding the family in the family room, he walked the back way behind the kitchen. First off, that was weird because he always puts his keys and wallet down on the kitchen counter. So, I asked him if he was going to show us the posters and he came out a minute later to bring them to us. Then, at 2:30 in the AM I hear a bunch of noise in the house and I realize he's still up. Of course, this was his usual drinking hours so I woke up to get some water. He smelled like alcohol. I can't prove anything but my red flags and trust issues were on full alert. It could have been that his breath smelled funny from the meds he's taking(he's taking antibiotics and prednisone for a lung infection) or maybe it was the popcorn he just finished off? Honestly, I can't prove anything but I kept going back to 'I still don't trust him."

I love what Deb said above and I really hope that someday I can feel like that! Right now, I feel like I'm on high alert!

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