The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been thinking about how my own twisted thinking has contributed to the problems in our marriage. I would like to make amends to my AH and try to start mending fences but I don't know if he'll even respond positively based on where he is emotionally right now. I want to tell him that it hurts every time he tells me that he doesn't think I'm capable of ever trusting or forgiving him. I know it's not true but he sees his own truths and they aren't always right. He wants to believe what he believes but I'd like to start some positive steps so that I can show him that I still do love him despite the fact that I am still angry about the DUI and the stuff that preceded it. I know that actions speak louder than words and I've been trying to be kind but I feel like we're just roommates who are pleasant to each other, instead of a married couple who really need to work some things out and persevere if it's meant to be. Thoughts?
Aloha B...for me if the best you guys can do for today is being roommates who are kind to each other...celebrate that cause it could be much worse...right? Then follow thru on what you know...This is a "DO" program...walk the talk. Love always and unconditionally and to thine own self be true...if the DUI scares you and makes you angry...take that to your meetings and sponsor and don't pretend to your alcoholic. Keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
You can't change him. Those are his beliefs and there is absolutely not a single thing you can do to change that. I know that's hard to hear but going back with that motive of "getting through to him" is enabling.
A counselor is probably your first step. But right now, you have to work on yourself. Either he will notice the change and come around or not. But focus on you, on how you want to "fix" things you can't fix. Love yourself first. It's not easy when you are already in it and your heart is already in it. That makes this a thousand times harder.
If you fix you - people notice. I had the added benefit of fixing me single before I met someone else. And having met someone with a drinking problem - it's been the slowest start to a relationship I've ever had. Because I can't go in with blinders on and I have to be sure I'm still working on me and not expecting him to change. I'm lucky - he is someone who wants to change and is doing his own work and knows I will support any work he chooses to do but I won't do the work for him.
But it's still a tightrope I'm walking and so I came here because I know I'm in danger of slipping back into being co-dependent. I'd rather be honest about that and work on it, than pretend it isn't possible :)
Focus on you, fill yourself up. Get yourself healthy. He is in charge of himself now. Let him decide what he wants to do and how he wants to do it. The issue of trust right now is on both sides. He might have things that broke trust with you - but I'm sure there are also things that broke trust with him. So focusing on getting through to him won't do that. Focusing on you and how you work on your own process is probably the only first step that can work. Hugs.
It will take as long as it takes. I agree with Jerry, showing your love for him is walking the talk. Actions do speak louder than words... although at times my words can be pretty damned loud :)
You are allowed to be angry at the DUI. You are allowed to also love him.
Good luck mate, and just keep swimming.... thankyou Nemo for that one.
Just as a side note. Many years ago, my partner had a car accident late at night. We lived out in the middle of no where.. a place called Humpty Doo.. yes a real name of a place.. and it was fairly rural.
He had a terrible accident (not my current partner) and rang from a persons house (before mobile phones) to say to come and get him, the car was totalled. To put this into perspective.. he loved this car.. we travelled all around Australia in it for years. He built it from scratch. It was an old Land Rover and his baby. A few years before I had slammed the door and accidentally smashed the window. I got blood nose and black eyes for that misdemeanour. I hurt his precious car.
so... for him to say he has totalled his car.... oh my... I thought he had swerved to miss an animal and rolled. When I got there.. the police and ambulance were there (it was about 2am). He was drunk as a skunk (now we dont' have skunks, but apparenlty they get pretty drunk hahaha). I was immediately angry. So very very angry.
He got in my car and the police woman came up to talk to him but put her head through my side of the car. She asked if he was hurt and the if the ambo's had checked him over. I said, he isn't hurt now... but he will be if he comes home with me.... I was furious, he was apologetic.
He was taken away to the lock up over night because he was so drunk and was charged.
The newspapers also got hold of it because... wait for this... he was in the army at the time (as was I) and he was in uniform when he rolled the vehicle. Big headlines.... 'digger rolls vehicle'.... he rang from the police station at about 6am the next morning. He was being released. I told him I wasn't ready to leave the block yet and the police station was a good 40 minutes drive away. He had to walk. I would meet him on the highway on the way. So I made him do the walk of shame.
We did not talk. Can you imagine the hate in me when he had totalled the very car that I had recieved a blood nose for. I walked around with black eyes for week over a broken window.
The car was not registered or insured either. No money, no insurance, no precious car, headline in the paper.
I was so very angry at him, his army mates that let him drive home, and the world in general.
Anger I think is very natural. I thought about leaving him. Mates were saying.. its only a DUI, you should be happy he is alive from that horrific crash. They didn't know the history either and I wasn't going to tell them.
He lost his licence. He did a swifty and got a licence from interstate and just drove illegally.
I findi it difficult to try to give trust where trust is not deserved or earned. Cause and effect. Now forgiveness, that is something I've had plenty of opportunity to do in my life and God keeps giving me those opportunities to show just how capable I am of that lol. Seriously... It is OK for you to feel angry over the dui! And it is OK for you to deal with that in your own space and your own time. I like what Jerry said and concur. It IS a positive to live as cordial roomates. I can tell you this, Nothing stays the same. Nothing, and the slogans are so true. This Will pass! Continue taking care of you, and let him be responsible for himself. Be kind in the process....it will all work out in the end. There is Always a rainbow at the end of every storm.
Best regards to you.
PS Every time I went to my A with my heart in my hands, oh boy. I went away crushed. I would not recommend giving him that kind of power. Your heart is yours, and his is his. When they meet, it makes beautiful music. Enjoy the songs that were made in the interim.
My understanding of an amends is that it's an adjustment in our behaviors more so than ever stating a verbal apology "Talk is cheap," I've heard often (and FELT often when ever I'd hear an apology from my exAH and never see a change in the behavior.)
The red flag I see in your post is you want to tell him "I'm sorry." and then at the same time follow up with "I feel hurt by you" Do you feel that's an amends? I think they're two separate conversations that may require a good deal of time between each,
When I'm feeling a bit torn about what to do with these kind of things, I try to pause and then get myself to some more meetings and have phone conversations with my sponsor. I've also written a few letters to my exAH without any intention whatsoever of giving him to them. It's a great way to pour out all the feelings... and it may be even more beneficial to share that letter with your sponsor.
I've been on the verge of starting conversations just like you are contemplating. I now bite my tongue, especially if I still have anger. I can't trust myself not to let it show. I'd address the anger first. In my experience, conversations go well when I am truly at peace and have absolutely no underlying fear or anger. I am new in my recovery so it is rare I have complete peace and therefore I feel like I'm living with a roommate as well - no deep conversations going on in our house! And I find myself worrying about it too, like this is not a normal marriage, will it ever be, etc.... But then I try to remember that no it is not normal marriage and that is OK. I have a program with some tools to get me through the rough times, so I can give my spouse some space and not give him my pain. It is hard, but I know that it is taking a huge burden off of him that he cannot handle right now. And I can't handle giving him my heart right now because their is a good chance his disease will cause him to respond in a manner that will trigger more insanity in me. It is hard!! You have my full on support you will get through this! I can so relate to your pain. When it hits, I love the slogan, this too shall pass....
....to add. There is a difference between being angry at the person and being angry at the event or behavior. I learned this gem inside of the rooms on detachment. My saying "I am angry at what happened" was a whole lot different than "I am angry that you are putting me thru this". She gets to feel about it as she chooses.
When I use to tell my alcoholic/addict that I was angry at her...she drank and used more. When I said I was angry at what happened she could agree that she was also.
I agree with Jerry on this one. Don't stick a bandaid on it all too fast. Time needs to heal this if it's going to be healed. It makes sense that you would want to appeal to him with your emotions but that didn't stop him from proceeding all the way up to this DUI and it won't really resolve the situation now. You cannot force trust. You have love and disdain for him at the same time and that is really confusing. It will take time and more work in the program. It's okay to not have it all figured out and this whole past 2 years with him is not going to fit in a box that you can label and put away as "the relapse." It has created some real and lasting rifts and confusion and that's okay for now. Progress and not perfection.
You know what I am going to say .. sponsor sponsor sponsor .. before deciding to do anything after step 3 .. you gotta have a sponsor .. it's all going to take a lot of time.
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Thanks, Mark. The box marked 'relapse' is exactly what I was doing, duh. I just needed to come on here to get some ESH and make sure my motives weren't wrong. And, of course, they were. I guess I'm just tired of the pleasantries and not getting down to the nitty gritty and that's the codie in me coming out and wanting to play. I should just enjoy my quiet time and let him figure his crap out for himself because this process is just getting started and it's going to get a whole lot harder before it gets easier for him. Well, unless his lawyer gets him off in some way.
