The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So tell me what things you do, ask yourself or contemplate to determine if a motive is enabling or caring.I still struggle with this.I come from a big, big family, being there for friends and family is a HUGE part of my upbringing and I embrace it with abandon.I love doing things for people I love.
For instance, I think it's going to be really fun to make Corned Beef and Cabbage for the Vets in recovery (my friend is in there now too) on St. Patrick's Day. I'm not having any difficulty with that one- I don't expect anything in return and these guys served our country and have experienced difficult things so it brings me joy to put a smile on their faces.One day out of my life and I'll be right there enjoying it too.
So then later I learned just through discussion that the home that is providing this service doesn't get a whole lot of money from the VA.They were running low on food and supplies - the guys were doing a great job of managing through it.I wanted to run to the store, buy them a bunch of groceries and drop them off.Again nothing in return.I stopped myself because I couldn't find my motive.
The best explanation for enabling I've heard yet (in this inpatient program in a family meeting) was "enabling is when you do something for someone that they should or can do for themselves".
I'm wondering if others have worked through finding that balance? I like tricks too - things like asking myself "isthis something they can do for themselves" or "isthis really my issue', etc.Those help me slow down and think before I act.
My question would be, do you ignore your own needs and put others needs ahead of your own? How are you on groceries? Can you easily afford it or would it put a strain on your budget? Sometimes focusing on the needs of others is just a way of ignoring our problems, we think it will make us feel better. And don't get me wrong, you seem to have a very giving spirit, and a tie to the VA place but you are just one person and can't save the world, and you may stress yourself out trying to do so, and end up feeling exhausted and unappreciated. Don't forget to treat yourself with kindness, and trust HP to take care of others as well.
I pray about my giving nature. I ask for Gods guidance in a situation, then sit back and "listen" for Him to speak to me. He always does. I have found, the solution that gives me Peace....is the path I should take.
"enabling is when you do something for someone that they should or can do for themselves".
Hi there... the only words I add to this great definition (that I also use), is "to my detriment", as in.... if by helping others, I am worse off for it, etc... Sometimes, "to my detriment" might mean that it actually keeps the A from having to deal with the consequences of their actions/behaviors....
I still think that is the best definition out there....
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Thank you! I think that added part mentioned more than once above "to my detriment" or in any other wording is key. And in this case I could afford it, however I have a very busy life and the time involved would have stretched me very, very thin. And that part of taking care of myself first I'm getting better at, but this helps a great deal.
I'm glad I at least went with my gut and didn't do it Baby steps!
If i don't have any qualms about lending a helping hand, then to me, that's caring. If i have misgivings about it, then I should really question my motives because it's starting to smell like enabling to me.
Personally, this is tricky ground to tread on. In Al-Anon I'm constantly told the only person whose behavior I can control is mine. Everyone outside of my is ultimately responsible for their own actions. The issue of "enabling" hints that on some level I DO have control over someone else's behavior. The question I keep coming back to is how does it make ME feel to do it?
I have been told "only give if you have a surplus of something"
My energy levels are way down, and I have no reserves right now, so my counselor has told me that I cannot rescue anyone or anything (ha ha) until I build up my reserves....
Good point rehprof, my reserves have been really good the last year. But in this case, it really would have been beyond my reserve capability. I work 40-50 hours a week, single mom of 3 kids, extra time away from all that is very difficult and in this case time would have been a huge factor. So I think sometimes even if our reserves have been full, we still have to evaluate - is THAT reserve full enough?
I agree with the "only give if you have a surplus of something", whether that is my time, my talents, my money, or my food stores, etc. If you really feel compelled to help( I have a passion for helping those with leukemia and with the Ronald McDonald House because my sister had childhood leukemia and our friends' son is staying at Ronald McDonald House in Seattle awaiting a bone marrow transplant due to lymphoma and leukemia) then maybe you can do so monetarily with a cash donation. I helped our friends meet their Aetna co-pay by contributing to a fund they created since I couldn't help them in any other way. It made me feel good to help them and I would never consider that enabling.
Now, last summer when AH was in the middle of his major depressive incident he forced me to fill out his paperwork at a doctor's office and threatened that he would walk out the door if I didn't fill it all out for him. He did this in front of the entire waiting area and the front end staff. The girl behind the desk looked at me like, "well, what are you gonna do lady?" And, you know what I did? Yep, this was before a program: I filled the stupid paperwork out for him because he was being so awful and I just wanted him to shut up. Since then, we've had a few talks and I told him I'm done enabling him by making his doctor appointments, filling out his paperwork, etc. He's a grown man, not a 5 year old who can't read. UGH! So, that's my story of ultimate enabling, LOL!
So tell me what things you do, ask yourself or contemplate to determine if a motive is enabling or caring."enabling is when you do something for someone that they should or can do for themselves".
I think I would phrase it;
"enabling is when you do something for someone that they should or can do for themselves which allows them to continue in thier addiction or makes it easier to continue in thier addiction"
When you make dinner for a friend you are caring.
But when that friend is addicted and you make dinner so they don't need to buy their own food and have more to spend on drugs, alcohol, gambling, etc. that is enabling.
To me 'in recovery' means not drinking and not drugging so enabling is not an issue.
yes and no? I know in my life enabling was not always enabling a disease. I've enabled my kids (and learning to stop that) and no i"m not talking regular parenting stuff - for instance grades. I have a kid who just refuses to do his work and I have enabled that in the past by doing the work for him basically(not physically) and not letting him fail a grade. This year he stands to fail 8th grade and that's his choice. All I can do is set my boundary and stand there and enforce it. In the past I hovered over him constantly pushing, threatening, checking up on every move he made. That was me doing his work - enabling.
So enabling applies to everyone in our lives. I was enabling my mother to get caught up in my divorce for years by feeding her the information going on. I had to stop because she was making herself sick over it. I was enabling her to basically get involved in a daytime drama through me that was none of her business! And it was hurting both of us.
For me I want to be sure I don't limit my scope on this. I also enabled my ex to be verbally abusive to me (horribly by the way, not your normal jerk) by enaging it, feeding it, reacting to it, responding to it and again feeding it. Once I backed out, set up my boundaries and let him crash into them over and over (boy was that painful and a little entertaining - sorry I have a sick side) - once I backed out he eventually stopped after a few years (yeah 15 years of enabling an abuser doesn't end overnight).
So for me enabling comes in many shapes sizes and formats. So I keep my eye open for it everywhere, it keeps my sanity so I'm not doing things I shouldn't. I already go from 5:45am to 10pm everyday at top speed.... that's probably enough!
Baby steps!