The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
1. you rob your kids of experience if they dont' contribute to the house, make them do their own work (yep, it is hard and you do have to set some boundaries as well as motives to get this moving). My kids do: room cleaning, laundry, dishes, garbage, dusting, bathroom cleaning and vacuuming. I'm not a slave driver, they do some during the week, some on weekdays and with 3 it gets rotated.
2. Perfect doesn't exist, stop trying to reach it because you know as soon as you do, you already failed. It's like telling yourself you are going to fly off a cliff if you just try hard enough. For some reason we just forget this.
3. You've got kids, messy houses happen. Now if you think it's "filthy" (different) then you might want to have a professional come in one day and help you organize, get to a good starting point and go from there. But if it's just messy? That's what weekends are for. My kids and I do chores Saturday morning and again Sunday night to start and end the weekend in a decent (but not perfect) place.
4. Try to minimize what the basic "must do" work is during the week. For me it's usually at least 1 load of laundry in process somewhere, dishes and homework. The rest can wait.
Lower your stress because that makes it harder to keep up. Stress creates fog, fog creates confusion, confusion creates immobility. Take it easy and allow yourself to be imperfect because we all are.
-- Edited by canadianguy on Thursday 8th of March 2012 04:42:33 PM
I have not been able to accept this mantra with regard to my house. I work 60 hours a week, and it's all I can do as a single mom to keep up with all that is expected of me...car maintenance, house maintenance, laundry, meals and groceries, homework...shoveling..grading papers, prepping for classes....
So my house is often cluttered and right now I'm looking at a dirty rug. Someone posted about "flylady" -- a website designed to help organize household chores...and I'm trying...but I'm not there yet...
My question is, I can't get over the deep sense of shame I feel about not being able to keep a perfect house...and I know I shouldn't feel that way, but honestly, I feel like a failure. Good ol' black and whilte thinking -- I am PERFECT or I am a FAILURE...
Part of the problem is my AH would never let me throw anything away..so I am going through all his stuff and making progress in getting rid of junk...but I still feel like it's not ever enough...
HOw do you all deal with shame? I have tapes in my head that I am never enough -- and the loudest ones are around my imperfect house.
I want to have friends over, but the shame keeps me from doing so...and I think it would help my depression lift if I could....I really have no close friends now, but would like to develop closer relationships with some acquaintances I have at work...I'm afraid of being judged. This is also new to me because I never had people over because I never knew how my AH was going to behave. I want to have PEOPLE in my life again. Shame is my biggest barrier.
thanks in advance sistahs (and brothers too)...for any ideas or experiences you can share in support...
Hugs Rehprof .. I can't flylady I know it works for others however I find the program way to overwhelming and stressful. I wind up with more of a mess than less!!
I can relate so much to this and I don't work outside the house, however I struggle with this aspect of my life .. ironically not so much in the past 6 weeks. I feel the same sense of shame that people will come in and think less of me .. guess what ..
What other people think is none of my business. If I know I'm doing the best that I can then the situation is just what it is .. YOU are a very busy person, doing the best you can. If someone is going to judge me based upon my house .. they should be able to find the door and see themselves out. I would hope that the people in my life have the same compassion for me that I am working on for others.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I carried alot of shame, especially about home related stuff. By the time I had to leave my exAH and move from the home ... well I can not describe what it was like. He also saved everything, to the extent of a year's worth of used cat litter in the garage. Thankfully I had family that helped me to find and remove my things and whoever purchased the house in foreclosure got the rest. I had the work to get back to my normal living standards cut in half by removing my belongings and cleaning them in a fresh place. Now I still carry a bit of that residual shame and when I have worked full time and gone to school full time plus my animals, family, friends for a semester and realise my house is a pit I feel bad BUT ...
Then I remember that I was living, learning and taking the next right step to take care of me and if the magor cleaning got put off for awhile it was for a good reason. I work on forgiving myself for staying in a bad situation too long, accepting my messes as proof that I am living and can only do so much work without having some fun. And I have found people who don't care or who understand or the best yet are the ones who say hey let me help you with that before we fill in the blank!!! It takes time to clean our messes. get comfortable in a new way of living and to let go of feeling fear and shame of living with alcoholism. Be kind to yourself
Oh yeah .. your dirty rug, if it makes you feel better ... imagine 8 huge paws, one backyard with not one blade of grass in the melting world I live in. My house looks like a linen factory exploded leaving sheets over everything so I do not have to think about shampooing carpets every 3 hours. Sometimes we just gotta do what we need to do to get thru.
Bless your heart! I know how that feels. Keep reading FlyLady. Get her book. She tells you to love yourself, not beat up on yourself, to hit a lick at a snake, do five minutes when you can't do 15. And know that people who love you don't love you because your house is perfect. Flylady also has the House Fairy and good info about having the children help. They love to be organized, are so proud when they can have their own chart and tick off the things they can do. And when I find myself despairing, I remind me that "I am never upset for the reason I think I am." Hugs, Temple
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
I have learned this, Higher power does not want me to stress or strain, but rather to enjoy all the Good things. It has taken a LOT of recovery work for me to just come home after a long day of work, and just let myself rest. And then, not feel bad or guilty about it.
The old me tried to cram waaaay too much in one day, always trying to create the perfect life, because that would give the appearance that I am TOTALLY IN CONROL.... rather than just letting it be what it is.
I am probably like you, I want to have cozy girlfriend chats and dinner parties at my house but JUST FOR TODAY that is just piling too much into my schedule. So I have had to change my thinking about it and just find another solution, my friends and I meet often at the Bread Company, sometimes just for coffee after a meeting, sometimes for a meal. They are like me, they work full-time. We never have to let go of what really matters... just being together.
Doing our best is good enough.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I struggle with this same issue, and I live in a small apartment all by myself! I had plans to do my weekly cleaning last weekend, but ended up having no time for this due to a jam-packed weekend full of errands and social commitments. I have been obsessed this entire week afterwards with guilt for not getting my place vacuumed, dusted, etc. I think it's part of our sickness. We need to feel we are in control of everything in our lives, and that's just not a realistic view.
I am really working on being kind to myself and focusing on small accomplishments. What are the other things that I achieved this week? I made time to read for fun, I took a walk almost everyday this week. I kept within my weekly budget. Is my apartment in great shape right now? Maybe not. But I am in better shape each day that I work on my program.
I do believe it is just part of being in an alcoholic family situation. I am lucky I did not grow up in it, so I have my healthy mom that I can look back on.
We truly do NOT have to be perfect. But! I know when I wanted to have anyone over, I would obsess. I couldn't go on vacation without having a clean house to come home to. Part of the healing is to be aware of your patterns....and then accept them. That is the way I am. If I wanted guests I would really clean only the room/rooms they were likely to see. The doors were closed to the bedrooms. And it was nice to be able to sit in one clean, unmessy room.
I found a lady now that will work for cheap and I have her come for about 2-3 hours just to get done whatever she can fit in that timeframe. I work along side her and we get a lot done. I don't have her every week but maybe once a month. And having her there keeps me focused on getting it done.
You have the important stuff covered. Give yourself kudos for that!
I know one of my issues is that I can find myself feeling like I have to do these things alone and without help. Thank goodness for Al-Anon, I learned I didn't have to recover alone, and I could also apply those things to other aspects of my life.
Asking for help is a hard thing to do. I put so much pressure on myself sometimes, expecting that I should have it all taken care of myself, and sometimes fail to look at reality and realize that my expectations of myself are just downright unrealistic.
I'm accepting more and more that if I cannot get something done myself, I have the option to either ask friends for help, or even pay someone to help. I laughed one time when I was listening to some friends talk about getting some curtains made and that they just didn't have the time to do it and one of them said "Can't get it done... then pay it done." haha
I know you sound as if you're strapped for time and money may not be abundant. But here's just one perspective. I am in academia (as I think you are), and I was struggling to do it all because basically academia is like alcoholism -- it takes and takes unless you draw your own boundaries. Anyway, at one point I did a survey of the women in my department -- about 15 people. Every single one of them except for me hired a cleaning woman. Every single one. That's when I said, "Why am I telling myself that I should work like a maniac plus do all the cooking, cleaning, etc. etc. etc.?" It's not like I change the oil in the car myself. (Some people do, of course -- but it's simply not a good investment in my time and I don't feel guilty about paying someone to do it.)
After a few trials with various people I hired an absolutely wonderful woman. She only asks rock-bottom wages because of the economy but actually I pay her 25% more than she asks, and so I don't feel as if I'm exploiting someone plus she does a much better job than I would ever do. I mean, clean on top of the refrigerator? I'd do that once a year if at all. And maybe not at all. She does what she's good at, I do what I'm good at, two people have jobs. She comes once every second week and it's changed my life. Of course I still have to declutter etc., but it's not so overwhelming. I pass up on some dinners out and other things -- my car is 18 years old -- but this is how I've chosen to spend my money and it has made a world of difference.
I know you're talking about shame and not about the logistics of the situation, but I do think that we sometimes take on too much and think something's wrong if we can't stay on top of all of it. And I know asking for any kind of help was absolutely taboo in my background. And too much on our plates + reluctance to ask for help + shame is a poisonous combination.
Please disregard my former post. I would not want to steer you wrong by giving you insane advice. Hesitated to even post, but my experience with her has been good. What I love about Marla Cilly is that she's been there with shame and doesn't want anybody else ever to suffer.
I shall now fade quietly away, again.
Hugs, Temple
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
Our slogan , One day at a time worked for me when I felt like you described in your post , I often made up my own one day at a time it kept me focused , when it came to my house work I adopted* One Room at a Time *, top to bottom don't start anything else til its done then close the door , looking around the house everything was overwhelming * where do I start * stopped me from starting period . So I started where we lived the most kitchen , then bathroom ,then living room etc . One room at atime worked for me ..be gentle with yourself , you are a single mom , working hard for your family instead of beating yourself up give yourself a hug .. Oh I hope you are attending Al-Anon meetings for yourself with or with out him you need to recover. and you dont have to do it alone . Louise
I was in college with 3 grade school boys living with my ex A. I struggle with perfectionism. My house Always has to be clean, but! I was far more realistic with children. The ex A was not however. I was on the deans list, my perfectionism.
I drove myself nuts with the pressure I put on myself. I accepted that No One will look at my transcripts when I am done! No One! So, I gave myself permission to lighten up on the studying. I did. I went from 4.0 to 3.6 and had moments of "down" time to give to my fam.
I came up with the solution that my sons would have to do more around the house. I bought construction paper and made out weekly chore lists for each one, and hung them on the frig. I made a reward system as well. I added their doing their own laundry to the list. I bought each one his own laundry basket, and bought detergenct that came in prepackaged packets. A no brainer, toss one in and cannot ruin their clothing. The youngest, twins, were in 5th grade. It worked. I had to find a solution. This was it.
I, am the person who cannot leave for vacation unless the house is all clean. That is b/c what IF something happened and I didn't come back and people had to come in my home, and just the fact that coming home from vacation and having to unpack leaves one tired. So, my obsessive choice for this is a non negotiable for me.
Re the Perfect home and company coming and judging you. Bahumbug! It took me time to rediscover myself when I became single again. I did though. You will too. You will find you can listen to your heart, and not someone elses. You can look at your home and feel proud. It is Your home. No one elses!
I had to "dumb" myself down for my ex A. He would ridicule me for my speech, "trying to sound smarter" he would say. After 2 decades of speaking in a manner he could understand, I was totally intimidated when I found myself in the company of those who had comprable intelligence. Scrabble. I grew up playing that. My now hubs played it. I was totally embarassed because I had locked away what I once knew for so very long...it took time for it to come back. He encouraged me. Now, I beat him most times we play. The point of this story is, you will rediscover the authentic you, and will come to love the authentic you and not ever feel you need to apologize for it nor put on "airs" because you simply are "enough".....Always!!!
Congrats to improving your life. Even though you are so busy you do not know up from down sometimes.....try to cherish a memory in the midst. It will pass. You will have a quiet house one day.....
IF you can squeeze in a housekeeper occasionally, do it! Meantime, share the joy with your kids.
My motto, "We work hard, we play hard"......just make sure the play is in there too for you included!
I am working on getting the kids involved ...and doing a chore list. This will be a big change for them, because in the usual codependent way, I have done everything. It may be bumpy when I shift to requiring more of them.
It really all goes back to me being defined by what others think of me...(i know, I know, it's none of my business )I'm working on it. Valuing myself.
I am learning how my own perfectionism and black/white thinking is SO limiting...yes, I am driven, but over time, my "nana tapes" have been punishing. I call my negative self - talk the "nana tapes" because I had a typical hard-nose, old school, puritan, christian nana -- who led a meager life, but everything in her home was always scrubbed raw (including her grandchildren) and spit polished. She was harsh and unforgiving... and always said "cleanliness is next to godliness"
I'm trying to remember that I am lovable, even with a dirty floor. I am also learning that I don't have to do it all, nor with perfection.
((HUGS)) rehprof...just one more suggestion from my own experience. Since you are also dealing with clutter and you are trying to de-clutter incrementally (and the mess/clutter is keeping you from inviting friends over), perhaps consider trying to move as much of the clutter as possible into one room. In my case, I had boxes and piles of paperwork. Old magazines, old junk mail, etc...once i put it all in a single location, it was much easier to just do one bag/box at a time, and not let it invade my entire personal space.
Would it be possible to get one room looking spic and span in order to have friends around in that area. The rest of the house will follow.
I know for me, my Mum was a cleaner as her full time job, when Iwas a kid that house was spotless, we could eat off the floor. Mum did it all. I think for her it was like, "see there is nothing wrong, look at our beautiful home".
For me, when I notice myself obsessing about the house I know I am stressed about something.
I do have the benefit of affording a cleaner. She is not very good and Iam about to sack her as the standard is low. I refuse to not have a cleaner. That is my special thing for me. I still clean and do the 'other' cleaning that she doesn't do (like clean the walls etc) but I know at least once a fortnight, the floors are done.
In the mean time, if a person comes to my house.... and they think it is dirty or whatever... they are free to leave. I have two cats and two little dogs in my home along with two humans, and at times, another dog that comes to sit with us. So sometimes, there can be 5 shedding furry things and 2 humans trapsing the dirt around.
I used to be very very house proud. NOthing out of place, dishes always done washed and put away before going to bed every day (and after every meal inlcuding a light lunch)..... I have changed and now can leave something on the floor for a week or so. Dishes get done most days (the weekends it may wait) but only once at the end of the day.
For me, I look at what is dust and mess, and what is unhygienic dirt. Most people still say my house is clean and tidy, to me its a mess but as I say at times.. "well.. when the Queen comes to visit I will give it a once over before she gets here".
I too find that a chart of chores helps and definately getting the kids involved is a big one.
You are doing an awesome job, handling 60 hour per week job, kids, etc. That clean house sounds like a "should" to me, when I find myself telling myself I "should" be doing things better or cleaner or neater I try to stop myself? That is not coming from my HP, that is me berating myself. Do I have time or energy to make the house look like I want it to? My answer now is no and stuff like that used to bug me, but for once I'm putting my recovery program ahead of my crazy work schedule, and perfect house which I used to have when I acted thoroughly insane. I used to think a clean house was tied to my self worth, just like the state of my husband was a reflection on me. I'm now working on letting go of that.
I used to do flylady, not to a T at all - just the basic premise of take 15 minutes a day to declutter or clean something. Then I'd check what room they were focusing on that week and would try to do a couple things in that one room per week. She also stresses that your house didn't become a mess in one day and it won't get better in one day - I hear that in Al-Anon too. It helped me realize I am not the only one who felt overwhelmed with housework. It helped me get rid of a lot of STUFF that I just didn't need. That part of the program seemed to help me a lot. It is just stuff and getting rid of it seems to help make cleaning easier too.
I have a lot of shame too, I don't even know what from. I just realized the other day as I was walking around the grocery store, I avoid meeting anyone's glance and I realized I feel shame. Just passing strangers! It must be a byproduct of low self esteem which I know mine has deteriorated throughout the years. I am starting to gain more confidence but I still feel like I should be in hiding and have a hard time being normal socially.
But bottom line, you are doing wonderfully - there are millions of people out there living in messier houses than yours - I guarantee! Mine probably is right now.
Reprof - I went round and round with this and have felt like I am incompetent at certain household tasks. Fact of the matter is - I am not incompetent. I am only one person. It is enough for me to work up to 12 hours a day and take care of the 6 animals we have and make the bed and make dinner and such.... How can I be a crappy person if I don't vaccuum, dust....etc all on top of that? Don't get me wrong - I know all adults have to keep their living environments clean (especially if we have kids). I used to whine and bitch that I worked all day so someone else should clean (typical lazy male attitude that doesn't work too well in a gay relationship with 2 males lol). Anyhow, since accepting that I should shell out for a house cleaner, life is much simpler and better.
It's not hard to throw away clutter. It's hard to do all the vacuuming, wash the floors, fold the laundry, dust, etc. I don't know what your finances are like, but when I boiled it down - It was like 160 bucks a month tops in order to have a much cleaner living environment and more peace of mind in that regard.
Yes, having a housecleaner is a luxury that not all people can afford, but it's also one that is not that expensive and it doesn't mean you can't do it - but rather that you do not have the time to do it fully.
Dunno if this is an option for you - That is how I dealt with the shame. I got help.
)I'm working on it. Valuing myself.