The material presented
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to exchange
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Well Hello to all. Been here before, stopped thought I would come back. You all are so wise, I can only hope to be as wise someday. I attend f2f meetings and have been for almost a year, but you know what I am SLOW. And I know that is ok. My problem however is my mind keeps going in circles. I think I have acceptance down, then I find myself with questions. Like, ok it is obvious that AH is not working his program, he buys bottles everyother day, why do I always check the bank acct, why do I have to ask if he has been drinking, why would I assume he would be honest and actually admit it? If his lips are moving he is lying! HA! I know this, yet I keep doing it! I want so much for him to engage in family activities, conversations,me: Hi how r u? him:I'm good: me:in my head:No you aren't you are hiding your drinking, I know you have been drinking, you didn't go to work why? him:I am ok. me again in my head: What the 'xxx'? i want him to just let me in a little but he can't. I am not there yet to leave, I love him, there really is a good person there, we are grade school sweethearts,I need his paycheck. It makes no sense for me to go get a job i would have to put 3 kids into some sort of daycare and in doing the math we would be negative to what I would get paid. Financially I do the books I know what we have to work with I try to tell him where we need the money and how much of an "allowance" he has, but he always just does what he wants, I always find the money somewhere. We are blessed that way. but we just live paycheck to paycheck. I really want to start saving but the mmoney just is not there. Dave Ramsey doesn't work. I want to keep the house organized and not clean all day, Flylady doesn't work. I try and try and try to do things different ways , nothing works for me? Why? What is wrong with me? I go see a therapist weekly and have for months, I swear I have the same conversation just a different way every week, she says I have made progress but I really don't see it. I think ok this is supposed to be rehabilitation for the brain what are the exercises? Why do I sit here and pay her $ for just volcalizing stuff I do in my own head all day everyday. Today I just talked in circles and got nothing out of the session. What does therapy look like? i think I have an open mind. Things make sense logically but I haven"t found that majic missing piece to the puzzle.
I know that I go to the hardware store to buy bread but can someone please give me a map to the bakery? I try to fit squares into the circle, can you show me where the square goes. No, I don't imagine anyone can, I have to figure all that myself , keep coming back. But you know what I love this program, but I am sooooo tired I want to get off the rollercoaster, it just won't stop long enough too. Everything I hear is a riddle! What is wrong with me?
-- Edited by coffeegrounds on Thursday 8th of March 2012 02:06:47 AM
-- Edited by canadianguy on Thursday 8th of March 2012 02:37:22 AM
Alanon is a program of action at least in my mind it is .. it's not about why did this happen to me .. it's about what can I do for me to get healthy, to get organized, to get my life in order regardless of what the person I love is or isn't doing. I'm not good with program words .. lol .. I'll leave that end to the people who get that side of things.
This is what I have found that has worked for me. I attend 2/2 alanon/aa meetings a week (that schedule differs on the kiddo situation). I started taking care of me. It's been a slow process and there have been bumps in the way as well. I got a sponsor (that one is a biggie). My sponsor is helping me work through the steps. I can call them any time and know if they aren't available right then they will be. I allow myself good days and bad days. Believe it or not the good days are getting longer and the bad days are getting shorter .. life is a bed of roses and you gotta take the thorns with the beauty of it all. I focus on first thing first. What CAN I get done today. I have to let go of the outcome of what may or may not happen down the road. I have to put my recovery, myself, my kids, before all of the worry of what might happen tomorrow and focus on what IS today. Again .. I fall down a LOT!!!! I get back up dust myself off and keep on keeping on .. it's the best I've got.
The miracle is this .. things have started changing in my life .. some I really like and some .. ehe .. not so much however guess what .. it is what it is at the moment and I can't control people, places, things or the past. I am powerless over those situations. I do have a choice in what I do or don't do.
I have started forgiving myself for not being perfect, HA .. big realization for me is I wasn't perfect to begin with and it's not going to happen. I started letting go of what I thought things should be, my house may not get featured in Home and Garden .. I am really enjoying it now. My children are enjoying it. I've started taking down my Do Not Enter signs and looking at how I have kept other people at a distance. I can for the first time start having people over and not run and hide pretending no one is home. I did that one day at a time and I'm still working on it. It's coming and again .. just like me the house didn't get here over night and it's not going to magically get better. That can be said for finances, and even me the damage that has been done from the disease of alcoholism. It's going to take time and that's ok because I am worth it.
Without the program of alanon I would have never gotten that part of the deal that I'm worth the time and effort that the program requires me to take. Nothing changes .. nothing changes and as long as I keep the focus on an outside party .. I don't have a chance of getting myself well. As I've heard many many times .. he's going to drink or not drink .. what are YOU going to do? Well, .. I have to keep growing, moving forward and just keep doing the best that I can each day. Focusing on myself is probably the hardest thing I've ever done in my life and because it is a new thing it's awkward, uncomfortable and I keep just coming back. At some point it will get easier and maybe someday down the road I won't have to think about it .. today .. I have to think about it.
Giving up isn't an option in my mind because it means I've chosen to stop living, I will always model for my children (even as adults, they still look to us) and giving up isn't something I ever want them to see me do again.
I hope you keep coming back.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
NOthing is wrong with you...you are (in your head) on the merry-go-round of alcoholism.
I was scared to death, and was sure I couldn't live without my AH's paycheck. For me, I was wrong about that. I am making it work financially...and things are much better...
Keep coming back here...it's a place of support...
I could have written your posting many years ago I had tried everything and was still going in circles becoming filled with self doubt and confusion. I walked into the rooms of alanon with no where else to go and found the answer.
Alanon tools were the roadmap out of the madness, the uncertainty and confusion. I heard the Steps read and knew I had found the way out. Some one said if you are lost in the forest there are 12 Steps in alanon to follow so that you can move out in the sunshine.
Please check out alanon Face to Face meetings in your community. Alanon is free, the tools are available to each of us, and you are worth the effort at recovery
This sounds exactly like my life, the money, him just doing whatever he want, the problem with kids and getting a job and daycare. And for a while we always found the money, but I'm here to tell you that sooner or later things get a lot worse and you won't find the money, and things start to go downhill quickly. As long as they ate getting there way, why should they change? My best advice to you is to do something that I myself am doing. Start stashing away a little money and when you have enough open your own private bank account to save for the day that you may need to be on your own. I know, I know, we are not to advise but you need to think about yourself because you are dealing with a self centered alcoholic, and all they care about is getting their next drink. Think about you.
I want to get off the rollercoaster, it just won't stop long enough too.
It never stops. That's why the program talks about coming to believe in a higher power and making a decision to trust God. So you can close your eyes, take the step and do the next right thing.
I wish I had more time to write back on this thread. I just wanted to say that prior to making big changes or doing something positive - It is NORMAL for you to be at the height of confusion and misery. You are not alone there and this might be your turning point. Go easy on yourself.
You asked what therapy looks like? It looks like a painful growth process until finally there is a moment of clarity about what must be done. None of it is easy and it's not all about you being happy in every session and getting placated. The same could be said for alanon meetings even though I know the two are different things. You are working through difficult things with no easy solutions. Take this one day at a time.
Hi! For me my relationship with my HP (God) is my salvation and ala-non, some days I feel I'm somehow above my" merry go round" looking down, I can chose to get on or not, it get really scary sometime, staying off and trying somthing new or different, with me it's saying" no" to my A/A children and grandson. I pray a lot and surrender my issues and concerns to my HP (God). One of the members always say, we know what they are going to do (drink or drug) what are you going to do? I love that, it's helped me so much. I said a pray that God will hold you and your family in His arms and bring you peace and serenity. Love you! Highlyfavored!
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Just go a step at a time, one day at a time. And you'll find a rich, thankful life you never thought you could afford.--A Rogers
What is wrong with you ? I suspect nothing is wrong with you ,you are attending meetings seeing a therapist , for me obsession was the hardest part in the beginning , letting go of stuff that wasnt mine to fix getting him out of my head so I could think of my wants for a change .One of the biggest mistakes I made in the beginning was expecting my husb to behave normally , family outings etc , be able to discuss family things with but alcoholics dont think normally this disease is all about what It wants and as long as it is running his life ,lower your expectations and focus on taking care of yourself . He simply cannot give what he dosent have I had to accept that before I found any peace . Did I like doing things alone ? No but it was better than sitting waiting for him to become part of the family again so I had a choice sit home and be miserable or make my plans and go anyway regardless of what he was doing. THIS IS A SIMPLE PROGRAM BUT NEVER CONFUSE IT WITH EASY .
Yep, nothing wrong with you whatsoever, you are just living in the midst of alcoholism. We start to think we are going crazy but we are not, we are just enmeshed in the disease and don't know how to get out or find any solution. There is a solution, you don't have to live like this and Al-Anon will work. Don't give up, I was right where you are when I came to a turning point - I couldn't handle the confusion and craziness anymore and it finally drove me deeper into working the program and finally reaching out by getting a sponsor. Do you have a sponsor? I would urge it, a sponsor really gave me some daily help and jumpstarted my recovery process. The steps will set you free from this.
