The material presented
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I'm new at this, and i have to try something. My husband is an alcoholic, i've known that for quite some time. He started when i was in college, he had a job and i went to school. After school he would not come home until 1-2 in the morning at least 2 nights a week, plus whatever we did on the weekend. That kept going on until a couple years ago. I always figured it would stop. It's been almost 12 years since we were married, we have 3 kids, and he's only gotten worse.
I know that there is nothing i can do to change him, I cannot change what he says or what he does. BUT i always have to live with the consequences! He's always blaming everyone else for everything thats wrong with him. He never apologizes, never tries to make things better. He rages about people who are liars, don't do what they say they will do, etc. He's never been phyisically abusive, but in the last few years i have finally stood up to him and yelled back when he yells at me for something I cannot change or fix.
I hope this is a good place to start. I cannot make it to meetings, as i live out in the country, and when i get home i have to take care of my kids.
I need help, don't know what to do about him, but I know that I need to do something for ME before i fall apart and leave him.
MB, welcome! What a difficult situation you are in. I hope you will find all the support here that I have found.
We do have online meetings here, which might be worth checking out. Also, numerous people will suggest you read the book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews. It is a FABULOUS book and has done so much for me in terms of how I handle the blowups/emotional abuse, and the importance of taking care of yourself first. It helped me understand how my husband's alcoholism had made ME sick, and how important it is for me to focus on my own recovery, and leave my husband's recovery to him and his HP.
You are starting with the right idea, this is his issue, and it's affecting you and you can only work on you. That's like a huge part of the battle.
I think the yelling back is your first attempt to set boundaries. Setting boundaries is a fine art and let me tell you, everything from aggressive to passive may occur as you learn - but I encourage you to read what you can and find "tricks" for setting boundaries. Yelling back over time will increase the problems. Might shock him a few times but it won't help after awhile.
Next time he yells at you say "when you can talk to me about this respectfully, I will listen, for now I'm not going to accept you yelling at me" and walk away. He won't like it, but in time he will recognize you left him no one to argue with....!
Aloha M and welcome to the MIP family...you are not alone and whats been going on with you and your alcoholic husband is usual. Most all of us have or are going thru it with our alcoholic also and learning new and better ways of restoring our sanity and happiness and everything else that we value.
Alcoholism is a "progressive" disease. As long as it is not arrested by total abstinence it will get worse. The alcoholic has three choices...Sobriety, insanity, or death. In Al-Anon I learned that I had been in the insanity stage with my alcoholic/addict wife for a long long time and then I found out that I was born and raised within the disease.
I am soooo grateful to God, my HP (Higher Power) for getting me into the program and helping me to stick in my chair and listen listen listen.
Just from my experience as a former Alternatives To Violence mens' case manager...physical abuse is not the only form of abuse...mental, emotional, sexual, financial and other abuses also qualify.
Glad you found us and just for experience look in the white pages of your local telephone book and see if you find Al-Anon and a hotline number. Calling that number could get you connected to others affected by this disease in your neighborhood who you can network with.
I will have to look into getting that book. I don't think it would help him, but it will probably help me. I'm kind of a self-help person anyways ;)
I do know that when we get into those fights, it's not good to yell at him, or engage him in any way. He never hears what i say anyways, so it doesn't do any good. I always try to approach him when he is sober, because he will never approach me. I try not to discuss many things with him after 4pm (he's usually started by then, and if not, he will when i start talking). This is hard to do, as that is when i get home with the kids. So, if we do much talking it's on Saturday or Sunday after coffee (unless he's hung over). And even then, his thoughts don't change, but the way he portrays them does. If only he would see that.
And yes, with yelling back at him, i am trying to set boundaries. I know that now. I have gone into "defense mode" so to speak. Instead of sitting there crying, i've gotten mad and started to open my mouth. But even when i do, it all turns back on me and what my family does and what my friends do, etc. I try to tell myself all the time "whatever, it's just his perception". I've also told him plenty of times, let's talk about this tomorrow or the next day when you can do it without the beer. Those conversations go much better for me, and he hears more of what I have to say, but in the end when the drink comes back into play, it's still someone else's fault.
I never did mention that he is a stay at home dad now, but has 2 part time businesses on the side. He does well all day with the baby, we have 2 others in school. He's a wonderful father, he does more for and with his kids than i've ever seen with anyone else. But when it comes to anyone but the kids and me, he gets upset. His businesses do OK for part time, but i do think he could do better if he had a better attitude about them, and more ambition.
Hi M, That book is also available on Kindle or Nook if you are interested in that.
You say, "I do know that when we get into those fights, it's not good to yell at him, or engage him in any way. He never hears what i say anyways, so it doesn't do any good."
Okay, so don't respond. I always liken it to slamming my head against the wall. It only hurts me. If you have to talk to something, pick a rock out of the garden and put it on your kitchen counter and talk to the rock. It does as good as talking to the hubby. Talk to the rock.
Boundaries are set only within your own mind. You do not have to tell him the boundaries. You will show him the boundaries by your actions when he goes over them. You will walk away, turn away, get real quiet, what ever you decide. Alcoholics have radar. They know.
And know, in yourself, that when he diverts attention from what he does and blames others..... he knows. It is all on him. He is trying to squirm out of the spotlight by yelling to you to move the spotlight to someone else.
You can't do anything about his attitude or his ambition. He is who he is. He will not change until he is unhappy enough to change. Maybe if you were his drill sargeant? But who wants to be married to that?
In the meantime, take care of yourself and the kids. Make your life happy and keep the kids happy. That is challenging enough. Don't worry about the hubby. He will do what is right or he won't. You take care of yourself.
