The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My A came back this evening to pick up his laundry. We started to talk about things a bit and we are both feeling a little depressed about the holidays. My A stated that it is a goal of his that we may be able to spend Christmas together. I said that we needed to take it a step at a time, but that a part of my issue is that he cannot expect to set that as a goal without first speaking with my parents. Christmas is a huge event for my family. He has not seen or spoken to them in three and a half months. Although I have my own issues with my parents, I feel that they have been very good to my A and that they deserve an apology. I am also fearful for them. Fearful that he will be able to manipulate them as he has manipulated me and I do not want them to suffer the same fate. I told my A that. My A left it up to me to decide whether or not he can speak to them. He said he hasn't up until now because of his own cowardice. I am conflicted on this subject. Help.
Holidays are hard for me as well. Different expectations. Funny, my A came this weekend with his laundry. He moved out in June and spends alot of time with my mother even though he doesn't want to spend time with me. My A says the same things - if they are A's they manipulate and there is nothing we can do about it. He says I'll leave it up to you; he says I don't want to say anything and in a way by avoiding a decision they lay it on you and don't have to take responsibility.
Have you asked for help from your HP? I try to meditate in the morning and evening to add clarity to my decisions.
Kim--I think you set a wonderful boundry. Remember that you need to take care of you first here.
If your A has any recovery, remember he has to earn the right to be a part of things--trust is fast lost, slow earned I heard a philosipher say. And I think one other thing I've learned is that Christmas is a holiday in the west--China has a totally different thing going on! So do what you feel is best--if you feel in your gut that something doesn't smell right, listen. But be honest with your others too--maybe not tell them why, but "I don't feel comfortable with you being present in the festivities at this time." And if they ask why, then state your reasons--like, "This is my boundry I'm setting."
You are a strong soul. You can listen to your gut and follow it out.
