The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
One thing that has remained a HUGE trigger for me is when my AH and I are having a "conversation" that is bordering on turning ugly. I have gotten soooo much better at just walking away from those. I refuse to attend the fight. But I invariably end up triggered by my AH's reaction. It enrages him, that I am "walking away" from him. When this started to happen tonight, I pointed out that he thinks it acceptable for him to scream at me and call me horrible names when I won't "leave him alone," and that my decision to exit a situation that is turning nasty is not about me walking away from him, but about me being uncomfortable and removing myself from an uncomfortable situation. And here's a sign of growth for me...a year ago, i would have said those things over and over and over because I was sure that if I just rationalized and reasoned with him enough, he would see my point of view. Now, of course, I know that is impossible. He is too far gone in his disease to be capable of rational behavior. This time I tried to keep Getting Them Sober in mind. I made my point once. I said what I meant, meant what I said, and didn't say it in a mean way. And when he tried to latch on to what I said and create drama, I refused to go there.
It is acceptable for me to walk away from those situations. And increasingly, it is acceptable for me to just walk away from this whole debacle. I am becoming more and more at peace with the feeling that I want our marriage to survive less and less. I have gone from obsession with keeping it together, to apathy, to accepting that it is not a healthy environment for me or the kids, and that sooner or later something will push me over the line squarely into "I am so done with this" territory. Like Toby says in Getting Them Sober...it's not about wanting to leave. It's about wanting to want to leave.
You said it in your title "It is acceptable to walk away."
Hugs Steph .. you will know when you know, you will also know you did everything possible and won't leave with any "what if's" in the back of your mind. Whatever you decide you know you will be supported and loved through your decision. Sending you love and support.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
It is completely acceptable to walk away. I also made it a point to address why I walked away when he was sober. The night he blocked me from leaving in my car, the following day, I made sure that I was clear on why I needed to remove myself from the situation. I determined that if that ever happens to me again I will call the police.
Sometimes when you reach that point of realization that is when he begins to realize that he has to make changes or will lose you. When you quit talking and quit accepting unacceptable behavior it's interesting to see what happens.
Good post steph. At some point you will gain more clarity. The alanon tools have given you peace of mind to settle down, stop the merry go round, and really focus on what you want in a relationship and life in general.
As an aside, when I realized that a sexless union was unacceptable to me - that ended my relationship right there cuz I went looking elsewhere. That's just me though and I'm certainly not saying that's right.
Mark, I struggle A LOT with the whole sexless marriage thing. Not just the obvious, that being in a sexless marriage is not what I want out of life. But I struggle with a bunch of secondary stuff, mostly related to feeling guilty over feeling like a sexless marriage could be a dealbreaker for me. Part of the issue for me is that I just think sex is a normal, natural thing for a person to want, that it is normal and natural to want to share that with the person you love. Part of the issue for me is resentment that my AH KNOWS how I feel and how frustrated I am, and yet he takes absolutely no steps...not even the tiniest baby steps...toward making progress in this area. AND he blames me for the situation. But the issues that are unique to my marriage with AH notwithstanding, I just straight up think a sexless marriage (where both people are physically able) is not what I want for myself. And sometimes that just makes me feel shallow and abnormal and like some sort of sex-obsessed freak.
I lived that with my exAH, as well. He... or rather his disease... would do all he/it could to keep the drama going. When I'd walk away, he'd yell at me, triumphantly "By your walking away, you're telling me I'm right!"
It's difficult to fight my urge to defend myself. Those were fighting words for sure, in the past... it would then have me turn around and jump right back into the fray. It's soooo hard sometimes to just ignore what's being said.
I had to practice this very thing this morning at work, so I was happy to read your post. An employee whose husband is a fellow co-worker of mine (and who's husband has a very abrasive demeanor that most of the office feels and is affected by at some point or another) decided she needed to defend her husband to me when another co-worker of mine stopped by to do a little venting. In my interaction with her, I actually was trying to be neutral and equally supportive about the whole thing but it was clear in her conversation with me that she was only going to hear what she wanted to hear and remain defensive. The battle with me is that I feel so compelled to try to explain, explain, explain until someone finally gets my point.
I felt that urge clutch at me this very morning in talking with her and really had to pull out my tools... asking myself "is it worth disrupting my serenity to try to MAKE her see my point?" Nope. Ultimately, it's not. Let her spin if she wants, I'm not joining in. She can think whatever she wants, but I know my truth and I'm at peace with it. What she thinks of me is none of my business.
You know, it is hard enough to convince a rational, reasonable, healthy person that you are right. It's impossible to convince an A. I have to remind myself of that often.
Although sex is not the be all and end all of a relationship, it is right up there with communication and oxygen in my needs.
Sex in a marriage is so important, that even the church says you can't do it until you are married... wow.. thats a biggie.. consumation of a marriage, in the old days, had to be confirmed by a third party or the marriage was not yet real and could be null and void if it did not take place.
This being said... that does not make you a sexcrazed freak. It makes you a person that even the church would agree with. I actually have some book that are sex therapy books that are church based, they mention which part of the bible to read to find clarity in the situation about sex in a marriage. I am not a 'religious' person and I have not been to a church for many many years but I do know that sex is acceptable and encouraged in a marriage.
I don't have the book to hand at the moment but I do believe there was a part in there that discussed the lack of sex in a marriage as a lack of intimacy. The joining of two people to form a bond that is shared only between the couple. Every culture promotes sex in a dedicated relationship.
I say all this not to make you feel worse bout your marriage, but hopefully to help you to understand and realise that there is nothing at all wrong with you in wanting sex in your marriage. Even the old 'catholic guilt' can't kick in here hahaha. You are a normal healthy woman who wants intimacy and primal brain satisfaction.... nope.. perfectly natural requirements there.. no sex freak in our midst (myself excluded of course.. but I jest hahaha)
