couple of things for this post.

Firstly, my husbands brothers are all very big drug users, growers, sellers etc.  One in particular is not very bright and keeps getting caught.  He is looking to going to prison on his next court appearance and he actually thinks he may get sentenced this time.  Usually he sits in remand and gets let off eventually.  This time, he actually says he thinks he will do time. 

He rang my husband the other week talking about work etc (they both work in the same sporting profession... my illusions of some sporting professions has changed let me tell ya), and he was hinting at money difficulties.  My husband didn't bite... proud of him there for that.

Two days ago, his brother rings back asking for money directly.  He has already asked his elder brother who gave him some money (he is making plenty as a big time dealer and grower at the moment) and asked for about $400.  He was concerned that this time he will go to prison and he needs to sort out some things first before he gets puts away (rent arears so he doesn't lose his place and things like that). 

My husband just chatted but said he was busy and would call him back that night.  Husband asked me my opinion.  I honestly expressed that we have to understand this is not a loan, it is a gift.  I also stated that I am not happy to lose $400.  I also said that honestly I do have to think hard about helping someone instead of letting him experience the consequences of his own actions, but weighing that up with the fact he is family.  He has never asked for money or help before.. ever... and he is nearly 50 years old.  I said if he were asking for money to get to rehab, it may be different.

we agreed to give him $200.  My husband called him back.  He didn't say anything about the money to start with.  The brother continued to chat about some discarded copper he found at the dump and he took that to be cashed in and got some money so now he has enough dope to get him through. 

Here is the reason I am proud of my husband.  He did not offer him any money.  He came back to talk to me and said he realised it wasn't for anything except his dope so he wasn't going to give him money for that.  If he could be that resourceful, then he can keep on doing that.  I am proud of my husband for not offering our money to his brother to keep him out of prison, but in reality, to keep him stoned enough to return to court (he was done for cultivation and dealing).

Anyway, that started a conversation with us about my husbands addiction.  I stopped it before it could turn into a hurtful conversation which I could feel happening.  I can see he resents me for not liking it when he smokes dope.  I can see that in his eyes and hear it in his voice.  I am maintaining my boundary that I don't want it around me.  He said he hasn't smoked for a month but he will smoke when we go away on the 19 March as we are going back to him old home and friends.

I requested that he time it so he is not stoned when I knock off work at 430, and I agreed that I wouldn't get too angry with him if he had a smoke with his mates.  I know its crazy to try to compromise, but I have to put my boundaries there and then see what he does with them.

I trust that he will not be able to keep them.  I trust he will still be affected at 430 on some days. 

For me... I am trying to take some deep breaths and recite in my head... QTIP, How important is it, WHY does he have to be straight because I say so...... Use this as a practice to let go of control.  Let him be who he is.. live and let live.

I told him I was scared that it would mean a total relapse (as opposed to a short term lapse).  He promised (bbbaaaahhhh hahahahahahahaha) that it wouldn't go back to how he used to be years ago.... I told him I found it unacceptable how he was one year ago.. in fact.. I don't want it to be how it was 6 months ago .... in my head I said 3 months ago but I didn't want to invite myself to the argument.

He agreed it did get out of hand.  I just gave him a hug, told him I loved him and moved on with cooking dinner for us.

So........ here I sit.  Proud of my husband on one hand.. and nervous on the other.  I am handing it over to my HP and I trust she will only give me what I can handle.  I am trying not to project or have expectations causing me resentments and we aren't even there yet.

I knew this day would come.  One day he will relapse again, its what happens.  I have given my self until October to see if I am healthy enough to make a decision to leave or if I can live with a pot head.

My ultimate goal... I want to be like some of my female friends that live with pot heads and they don't care what they do.  They live their own lives and enjoy what they do and enjoy the time they get with their husbands.  They are happy, he is happy and he is a pot head.

I want to be like that when I grow up.