The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As a child I saw things and heard things and experienced things that were totally incongruent. (I am sure we could all agree).
There were promises made that weren't kept, which sometimes resulted in me being physically and emotionally hurt.
The person that showed me such love and care at times, could also be cruel and mean and spiteful and downright abusive at times too.
My little head said one thing, my gut said another and my heart said yet another. Maybe this time she won't hurt me?
I lost the ability to trust my own thought feelings and beliefs. They were confused. I didn't really have a choice either. Even if I KNEW she was going to hurt me and I didn't trust her and I trusted my own instinct... I had no choice but to give myself to her and be hurt... I didn't have the choice to act on my own trust of self. More incongruencies there.
If I couldn't trust myself.. how on earth could I learn to trust anyone else?
I remember one time, in an abusive relationship before he hit me the first time, saying to him one time... you know.. one day you will end up hitting me, I can see it coming. He had just again verbally abused me.
He said, well if you believe that why don't you just leave now? My reply was "I might be wrong."
Can you believe it??? I might be wrong.. Guess what.. I wasn't wrong. One of those times its not nice to be right hahahahaha.
NOw, other people in that position would say.. but I might be right.. I am outa here. BTW, it was not my first abusive relationship so I KNEW it woudl happen.. but I didn't trust myself.
I am not sure I am making any sense here, but this just dawned on me this morning when I was thinking about my trust issues. How did I lose trust??? because I never had it.
I am going to make a statement to myself right now today... I trust my feelings/thoughts/gut instinct. I will trust it enough to listen to it and determine the facts. Feelings are not facts, but I trust myself to sort the hay from the chaffe (hmm that might not be the right was of saying that hahaha)
I trust what little Linda remembers and I trust that it is true. My memories are correct. I trust that my HP will keep me right.
I discovered the same. I also found that I was the first person that abandoned me. I put that small little girl in a box , built a wall around her and told her to stay there and be quiet. That way no one would find her or hurt her . I then went out into the world trying to manage without the connection to my true being and inner voice. No wonder I had difficulty
Realizing that you didn't trust yourself is a signifcant milestone in my book. Good for you!
As a young child, I had self-trust sucked out of me by one of my parents. I recall when I first began therapy long ago, I felt I was being disloyal to this parent if I thought such a thought.
Nowadays, whenever I feel the residual emotions of my growing up years, I have a pow-wow with the "girls." That is, my adult self and some of the "Gails" from the past have a talk. I imagine the discussion all in my mind. It really helps me.
Now, don't any of you call the men/women in the little white coats to come get me
Linda, thanks for sharing your journey.
-- Edited by GailMichelle on Tuesday 6th of March 2012 06:44:41 PM
__________________
You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Betty, when I read your response I only got into the first two sentences before I started sobbing. I don't even know where it came from. Its been a few years since I came to this forum and I'm home sick from work today. I just thought I'd check in.
I remember trying to be very small and quiet all the way through highschool and even after. That way no one would notice me and hurt me. It worked a little too well I think.
