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This is Emil. I asked my husband last night if he thought he had a drinking problem, He said "no." So if his only motivation is that he is afraid I will get mad it will continue to be an ongoing issue. No wonder he stops for a few months at a time and then starts sneaking again. The longest he stopped was a year, which was GREAT. I think he thinks he can keep it in control, but its just a matter of time before he isn't able to hide it. It hasnt drank since October 2011.
I had a strange reaction when he was honest about thinking he does not have a problem. I felt a true sense of being able to separate from the problem.
Time will tell. One day at a time. The truth is he really has to do this for himself and I have to stop bringing it up every day. Any feedback is welcomed
I understand Your hubby, has not had a drink since Oct of 2011 and he does not think that he has a problem with alcohol .
Since you are very concerned with his drinking then Alanon can offer you some tools that will enable you to focus on yourself, and find constructive ways of living life even if the alcoholic is still drinking or not.
Alanon Face to Face meeting in your community will give you the opportunity to walk with others who understand as few others can. Breaking the isolation by attending these meetings gave me a new vision.I realized that I was not crazy and that there was hope.
Alanon also stressed that alcoholism is a disease and that one of the symptoms of this terrible illness is DENIAL This means that the person really believes that he is not sick and believes that there is no problem. We are powerless over this disease in others . Alanon offers us the tools to know how to respond to life differently. I also received the hope that I could live my life with courage, serenity and wisdom and still love my hubby
Check out the meetings in your community at this site::
Great awareness, emil. You are now aware of the cycle--the merry-go-round--you have been on.
For me, I identified the cycle as my AH acting out (drinking or whatever other destructive action he chose); I would catch him and scold him; AH would feel guilty and stop the behavior. We would have a few calm hours, days, months, then AH would get angry and the cycle would begin again.
The only part of the cycle I can control is myself. I can stop sticking my nose in his business. So, I moved over to my side of the street (with the help of Al-Anon) and I am working really hard on keeping my side of the street clean. Though, I have to admit: sometimes I want to throw my broom across the street and whack AH upside the head.
Thank you so much. Yes. I am back to face to face meetings and I have reconnected with my sponsor. I also started therapy. Yes, I believe he is in denial as well. Sometimes he is able to see he has a problem, but as long as he does not buy into that he is powerless over drinking it will be more difficult for him. It is a progressive disease so each time he returns to drinker the faster he will get to the the amount he was drinking before he stopped. Its a very sad situation. I really do believe concentrating on myself is imperative.
My AH says he "doesn't have a drinking problem," as well. Interesting since he is still actively drinking while under probation for a DUI, going to mandatory AA meetings and alcohol education counseling, has lost his job, has lost me, and is an out of control diabetic. I just saw pictures on Facebook over the weekend of him in a bar with a big glass of beer in his hand, bloodshot eyes, and a goofy grin on his face. Yeah, I'm sure he's just fine...he's not even trying to hide it anymore!
Good thing I have Al-Anon, a sponsor and my HP to keep me in a good place right now.
Your post was part of the "expectations" lessons for me. I also did something similar with my alcoholic/addict wife and got the similar response. I took it to my sponsor and my sponsor asked me, "What did you expect her to say"? LOL expectations when I'm in denial sometimes are the same when she is in denial. Better to talk with the pup...((((hugs))))
I like that you know "he has to do this for himself." You also get a chance to work on attaining a happier life whether he still drinks or not. Alanon will help you identify how you feel, how alcoholism is affecting you and will help you find a way to stay detached from his problem and return your focus to your own wants and needs and how to meet them with your own recovery program which includes the help of a higher power or god of your understanding.
Alanon meetings are a great place to find answers for you, find comfort from others who understand what it's like to live with alcoholism and are finding a way to keep their sanity and live a reasonably content life. Glad you found us. Keep coming back. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Hi emil! Yes, my AH is the exact same way. He doesn't think he has a problem and he can go pretty long periods of time between drinking spells. Denial is a part of the disease as you are aware. My husband really truly does not think he has a problem so all those years I wasted trying to convince him otherwise were a complete waste of time. Even worse, they allowed my AH to blame me and focus on my behavior rather than himself. So now I focus on myself and keep my mouth shut and leave him the chance to decide if he has a problem or not. Al-Anon is really so helpful and it is great that you already have a sponsor. Even though I was aware of the problem for a long time, I had such a hard time with my emotions and Al-Anon has been such a huge relief for me over time.
Something that has helped me feel a little more compassionate towards the alcoholic is reading the big book of AA online, just do a search for it. The beginning is the story of the man who started AA and u can see how baffled they are at their own disease, there is also a section for wives.
Thank you for all your help. Yes, I totally need Al anon. It doesn't seem to matter how many times I find out he started drinking again, I am always disappointed. Its the lying and sneaking that I hate. I really hope that with al anon I will be okay if he drinks or not. I guess i can't expect him to honest when he starts drinking again because his need comes first and then the guilt. I really need to stop talking with him about it. One think for sure I have learned that all my efforts to encourage him to stop were useless. I was the classic case of begging, setting limits, saying I would kick him out, Moved him out of the bedroom....etc. Nothing ever worked. I can already see that detaching will give me some peace. I need to read, speak to my higher power, go to meetings, and continue to find happiness. My husband is never nasty when he drinks, just slobby and falls asleep. It has been embarrassing at events. I have to learn that he needs to take resposibility. Even the fighting the next day would provide him with a moment to feel bad, but not to take ownership. I did that for him. Its a long hard road and sad at times.
