The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So I am learning in the alanon meetings how to not give advice but to just share my ES&H. It is actually quite a relief to not have to come up with a plan on what someone else should do.
I am however struggling with how to communicate with friends (who are not in the program) who come to me with wanting my advice. In the past I have always went to others so that they could tell me how to solve my problems and now I am learning that I have a new way of living. The other day my friend called me and wanted advice about what she should do about her step-daughters situation and I immediately wanted to come up with some sort of answer for her. But then I could feel the stress in my body and it didn't feel right. I instead tried to validate her feelings about her situation being difficult and I tried to share my experience of what I went through with my step daughter but it didn't seem like enough for her. She wants to get together for coffee this week and I am already feeling exhausted thinking about it.
I am thinking that this is just part of the process in learning a new way to communicate with people. I just want to not get sucked into someone elses story because it really stresses me out. I want to fix it for them and it is probably to make my own self feel better maybe, I don't know. I have a big history of feeling like it is my responsability to fix things or I will be abandoned.
But this new sense of freedom to be myself in alanon is giving me this zest for life that I just cannot hide. I love what I am learning here and I want to keep moving forward. I really do hope to learn a better way to communicate effectively without taking on other peoples stuff though. I am really working on staying in my own hula-hoop but it seems like other people don't always want me to be there.
Thanks for listening!
__________________
It is very difficult to have a pity party when I am celebrating all the gratitude I have in my life!
It will aither work out, . . . or, . . . It will work out."
I have always been an advice giver too. In my newly changed life, I give advice to people that they can detach with love. I tell them that Al-Anon helped me to do that and that Al-Anon is there for them too.
I've found that in those situations I just listen, give my ESH, validate their feelings and then let them know they are supported in whatever they decide to do. It may not be what they want to hear .. they may press for a more specific answer the reality is .. they have their own life lessons to learn and I can't make anyone see the right or wrong of their ways .. it's not my job to do that .. I pray for and/or with them as well. That's really all I can do based upon what I'm learning because I am powerless over people, places, things and the past.
It sounds like you know what you want to do, it's not personal and you don't have to fix anything .. you can be a great friend and not fix what is broken inside someone else.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
If someone asks you "What would you do?", then you can give them ESH. If not, then just commiserate with them, let them vent, pat them on the back and let them go. The more practice you get with this, the easier it is every time it comes up.
And I am impressed that you realize it comes from your feeling of abandonment. You have to be better, smarter, quicker than everyone else so that they will like you. I know exactly how you feel. As you get to know yourself through Al-Anon, that will slowly get smaller. We get a backbone. We learn to love ourselves. Life is so much better.
Great job using your new tools and awareness of why you want to. Of course I do not know your particular situation like you do but your post reminded me that I know as I have grown in the program I seek to spend time with people who validate my feelings, offer ESH and allow me to learn from the experience without having to experience it myself. It could be your friend wants something different than what you already did but it could also be that she liked your insight and the freedom to choose her route your actions allowed. Trying to figure things like this out beforehand is stressful for me and I often used to project what I thought I would see instead of experiencing the here and now. I've been doing this lately towards a few environments in my life, now that I think about it. Thanks Daisy, for helping me to see something new!
I really appreciate the feedback on this. Thanks! I think this will be a bit trial and error but I plan on being really gentle with myself along the way. I think that is one of the greatests gifts Alanon has given me so far...the give of gentleness. I hope I can be a good and gentle friend to others in my life. I am actually looking forward to practicing not giving advice. Each day sure is an adventure and with alanon I love the adventure. maryjane, I can't wait to get more of a backbone! My husband has been telling me lately that I seem to be able to handle things better. Something must be happening. I send you all love and support!
__________________
It is very difficult to have a pity party when I am celebrating all the gratitude I have in my life!
It will aither work out, . . . or, . . . It will work out."
