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Last night I was getting to run errands with a borrowed car when my A husband pulled up to let me know the status on my own car which was being fixed by a friend of ours. He was his usual "I took care of it" mode, trying to act just like his normal self. He asked where I was going, said "okay" then proceded to tell me he was going over to the motel for the night. In my first posting here, I said how I had calmly and caringly told him he had to get support for his problem (he relapsed twice in the past month after 3 years of not drinking and it was horrible. These 2 binges lasted only 2 days as opposed to his former weeks long binges but horrible none the less) or I would have to ask him to leave which I did not want to have to do. But our 2 teens and I could not watch him hurt himself anymore nor did we want to be hurt. He went slam back into denial although he knows what alcoholism is all about (he's been in re-habs,was in and out of AA and openly talked about his disease and tried to help others. It is amazing how he mentally right back to square 1 in his thinking. This disease is powerful! ...Anyway I asked him if he was moving but he said no. he would just be staying in the motel. That means he'd sleep there but spend all day up through dinner with us at home! I explained he couldn't have it both ways: 'you can stay if you get help and we will support you or else you have to go" But he figured he was "going" by sleeping at the motel. He got loud and said people drink because they want to! Then when I asked if he wanted to, he couldn't look at me because he couldn't say "Yes, I want to drink". He DOESN'T want to drink. So his response then was 'Okay, I'll go inside, get my stuff and move now". He was mad as I eexpected he would be but I remained calm and quielty said ' If that's what you think is best for you" and I left to run my errands. When I got back, he was gone but had not taken one single piece of is possessions! That means he's off on another binge. Incredible how alcoholism works on victims. The only thing I worry about is someone finding him in his motel room dead from it. I try not to dwell on that and I am not really upset. I expected this from the beginning. It'll be a very interesting week ahead.........jaja
Thanks for sharing that. I needed to hear that to remind me to keep the focus on myself. Something I really should be trying to do better this weekend. I've had a rough one myself. My A's psychiatrist requested the entire family come in for a meeting. He asked us for observations. We never really got into how it made us feel so it wasn't a true intervention.
He then asked me to continue to observe and asked if she didn't dispose the alcohol to do so myself. I did state that this went against all I'm learning. Though I have been tracking usage which goes against the teachings as well, I've been doing that for my own reasons should I need it at a later date.
I'm also supposed to observer for DT's, but having some of my children directly express concerns for the situation to the doctor, I know it would be a hellacious night for all so I took them to a relative. The A had taken the beer from it's usual resting place so I knew she had it. I knew there would be no DT's tonight.
I keep thinking ahead but keep thinking about Friday f2f focus one day at a time. Focus on me and my children. Hope that makes sense to you.
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
bobump, counsellors and professionals who don't really know anything about addictions can be a real problem. If following the shrink's advice feels like working against your own recovery, making you focus more on the A and less on yourself, don't feel that you have to do it.
jaja, good for you - sounds like you really are working your program. My A was also not the kind to just leave if I asked him to - why should he, HE didn't have a problem. Yeah, right.
Tough stuff jaja, but for what it's worth, you sound strong in your boundaries, and that is the only way..... he is looking for an "out", or someone else to blame for his problem right now, and you aren't accepting that scapegoat role anymore..... kudos to you for that!!
I hear you about the fears of "what might happen to him", but we have to remember, that we truly can't "cause them to drink" anymore that we can "cause their sobriety".....
Take care of you and your kids..... he might get better, or he might not.....
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
It's such an awful disease! It used to leave me shaking,etc. just wanting someone to make it all go away. I went to private counseling and then my A and I did marriage counseling which wasn't any help. Besides, ny A took off on another binge directly after a counseling session. One thing I learned is that NOTHING will help an A until they decide they NEED the help and then go get it. I wouldn't want you to go against your own beliefs but I, too, wonder about the psychiatrist. I mean, my A never kept booze in the house at all but if he did and I poured it out, he'd just go get more. I once read that you could tie an alcoholic to a chair and he'd hop to go get his alcohol! I could yell, scream,cry,lecture, spy on him and all that other stuff but it did absolutely no good. Actually it gave him the attention he wanted and the excuses he was looking for to drink. My own behavior kind of fed him. It took me a long time for me to realize that this is a "bonafide" disease that you can't make go way. In our efforts to do what we think will make an alcoholic stop what they're doing, we are probably helping them continue. It isn't until we step aside that they get a chance to see what they are doing. One time my A passed out in the bathroom doorway. I left him there. When he came to and saw where he was, I know he wanted to die. There started to be many instances where I just left him alone - like on the floor in the livingroom propped up against a chair he slid off. And I read about a noted judge in a small community who managed to keep her alcoholism a secret until she had a black-out, finding herself crawling on all fours outside on the sidewalk crawling down the street. THAT made her go for help....If my A were going through DT's.rugged withdrawal, I would certainly take him to the hospital if it looked like he needed it because sometimes withdrawal can kill. It's a disease and I don't want him to die. But I would be gentle with him but with the acknowledgement of how he got there. It's just so tiring and fruitless to do anything else. I have found it is better to try and keep going with day to day routines with the kids and keep out of the way of his drinking. Sometimes they have to suffer badly before they admit to needing help - if they do at all. Hang tough,Bo, you're doing good!...jaja
My mother keeps asking what her "A" wants with her, why will he not leave... everyday I have to remind her that "they hate themselves".
Also they are energy drains, feeding off our love & esp get a big rush off of our anxiety & anger.
They victimize themelves, yes this disease IS horrible... painful & agonizing to see someone u love so dearly suffering, hurting themselves & being resented for any help or advice.
Let go & let God, is where I am today... bring MYSELF back into focus.
take care of you, think of you (God only knows, they aren't thinking of us) & be kind, patient & gentle with yourself.
I am grateful for when the "A" leaves, he takes all of the negativity with him. His hostility & resentment is SO HUGE.
love, -K
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
