then its probably a duck.  For those of you who don't know me, or I haven't PM'd.... its me.... Linda.... O,  I changed my profile name

Asmany of you may be aware, I have been doing ALOT of work on myself through the psychologist.  Alot of FOO work and childhood stuff.  I have been doing DBT to address issues and personality traits.  Anyway... for a number of years now, I have been struggling to decide if my childhood could be called abusive.  NO one would give me a straight answer.  I just wanted someone to look at it and say, yes or no.

The psych encouraged me to do that myself as a professional, write it down and distance myself and look at the facts and see if I would report that kid.  This didn't work, it just brought up more questions.  She flatly refused to give me an answer during our last session together and I started to get really frustrated in her office.

It was at this point she started to get a bit concerned for me (I find out later). I had told her I had been a spectator in my body for a few days listenign to different parts of me argue in my head wether i was abused or not.  She said that must be exhausting and I disagreed as I was just a spectator, I was calm and actually wasn't anxious at all, I was waiting for the outcome to be handed down.  It was during a discussion about that argument that  I actually totally dissociated in her office.  I only realised this when I 'woke up' and things started to come back into focus etc.  I asked her if I had gone somewhere... she said, "I don't know, you tell me .. did you".  That answer annoyed me... but anyway... i told her how I felt and she said that people dissociate when painful things are discussed or triggers are found etc.  She wanted me to keep an eye on it, but I told her it happens quite a bit. Sometimes, I have no idea where I am or what has happened all day.  I have vague recollections like a vivid dream.

Anyway, I do remember parts of the discussion that was had while I was in that state.  I felt very calm and able to talk about stuff.  It was almost like being hypnotised I suppose.

I asked for facts, what studies have shown as outcomes of abuse.  Definitions etc etc.  We discussed stereotypes and how that differs from my experience and feelings.  She stated they are just that.. stereotypes.  They dont' fit for everyone. I started to read between the lines.  We discussed female/female abuse which can be harder to accept as it is not again stereotypical, it is rare in fact.  We discussed incest and how that can be confusing at the best of times as the person has to collaborate good and bad experiences from the same person, a person they love and trust as a caregiver and who at times, was very loving and fun, but at other times, put the fear of armageddon into me.

Everything she discussed as 'facts' or knows truths about abused kids, applied to me.  She was very hesitant to answer directly any questions about me.  Finally she said "Linda I dont' think you are yet ready for an answer either way".  I think she is worried about my response.

I woke up the next day feeling very calm but in a totally different way.  I felt like a whole person and could breathe deeper.  The answer was there in my mind.  If it quacks like a duck, walks like a duck... its probably a duck.  I have accepted finally, after 11 years of asking myself that question... yes, I was an abused child.

My situation is unusual.  I do not relate to those people that write those books like "a child called it" etc but that does not mean I was not abused.  I have my own reaction, my own experiences. 

This feeling of acceptance is like the calm I felt with Step One.  Does anyone understand that?  Can anyone relate?  I feel a bit 'unique' over here in that I am not full of rage and hate with this realisation.  I actually feel stronger because Iam one of those survivors that came through the other side.

Any ESH would be greatly appreciated here or by PM

For me this is good work and a good post.  Being born and raise in the disease of alcoholism means for me that as a child I was not equipped to participate and yet still did mostly involutarily.  There were consequences to what happened then that would show up later as the dysfunction manifested itself within my own life and my lack of skill and ability to detach myself from a victim roll to more successful self determined person.  I was a carrier of the disease and I did that until reaching the doors of the program at 37 years of age.  I simply didn't know and didn't know that I didn't know what was going on and how it was affecting me.  I would discover it in the program by sitting and listening and keeping an open mind thru it all.    I also learned "If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck...chances are its a duck".  I used this to recognize and accept that my spouse was an alcoholic/addict woman and that without help all of my relationships were and would be continuously similar for better or worse.  I learned to say that my spouse was a duck before saying my spouse was alcoholic...We do the best we can with what we have at the time.

I encourage deep inventories, the going beyond the surface stuff because that is what my sponsors encouraged me to do.  "How bad was it really Jerry F?  and be honest."  If part of the discovery is PTSD than the awareness is that for years it was like living in a war zone.  Honestly...that is an apt description.  The inventory tells me what it was truely like and the membership and the program tells me what it can be like after.  I'm sticking around cause it gets better and so do my chances.

(((((hugs)))))

have you read any of herman's work -- her book "trauma and recovery"?

though it was REALLY hard for me to read...it gave me insight into so much of my behavior...

Picture your "self" as a pie chart. there are times when my depression takes up too much of the circle...my goal in recovery is for it to take up less of my life...and build in / make space for larger slices of other things...like mom, teacher, etc.

for right now, while you slog through it,  your trauma status may be taking up more of your pie chart than you'd like...but in doing so, it will shrink over time to make space for other parts of your self. What we all have to remember is that these darker, uncomfortable pieces will always be part of who we are...but never ALL of who we are.

All best sistah.

You are clearly doing the work that little girl needs to be made whole.

You can be strong at the broken places.

we all can be, if we have the courage to look at those places where it's dark and scary...