"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

Jackie11 · ~*Service Worker*~

Combing through

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Jackie.... your post reminded me of the wise words from Toby Rice Drews, around the idea of "Mini-Interventions", which I posted about several months ago.... here is what Toby has to say.....

When one feels 'stuck' and feels that there is nothing one can do to help with the situation in the home ------- remember that there ARE things one can do to help------

These 'mini-interventions' are ways to emotionally detach--------and they not only help us to heal-------but it's important to really realize that they are ALSO ways to accomplish "the cheese stands alone''..i.e., 'boxing the alcoholic in'' so that he has a much better chance to crumple and ask for help.

When we don't fully try doing them, we often then say, 'this does not work'. When we go back and forth with saying what we mean, and then not meaning it..... of course it doesn't work! The alcoholic has radar--------he KNOWS when we've crossed that line and we won't go back to the way we were. He KNOWS when he can no longer get away with what he got away with before.

When we feel that he holds all the cards....... when we feel that there is no way that we can make it without him....... he knows that he's ''got us''. And therefore doesn't have to really listen to us.
But when we internalize what oldtimers in Al=Anon always said----------i.e., "you've got to want this program more than you want ANYTHING (i.e., you have to want to heal more than you want to stay in the relationship.)''--------- then, he has lost his power over you.

IT DOES NOT MEAN THAT YOU WILL HAVE TO LEAVE THE RELATIONSHIP. BUT YOU FINALLY GET TO THE POINT THAT HE IS NOT ANY LONGER YOUR TIN-GOD...I.E., YOU GET TO THE POINT WHERE YOU KNOW THAT YOU CAN, IF YOU CHOOSE TO, LEAVE THE RELATIONSHIP AND THAT YOU WILL SURVIVE AND HEAL. THAT HE IS NO LONGER YOUR 'GOD'...YOUR 'GLUE' THAT HOLDS YOU TOGETHER. HE HAS BECOME RIGHT-SIZED.

And when you know it-----------he knows it.
You do not have to say it.
In fact, it's better when you do not say it.

When you stop the talking about 'it'-------and just 'do' the actions----- he WILL know it--------his alcoholic radar will pick up your healing and he'll know that he no longer can get away with what he got away with before.

Because, before------- he could get away with it all because he knew that THE BOTTOM LINE is that he could do anything because you are afraid to lose him.
And when they realize that you no longer are terrified of that-------- they lose their power over you.
Most of the time, the paradox is, you don't have to lose the relationship for you to heal and for him to lose his power over you----------- he just has to realize that down deep, you are no longer terrified to lose him.

It will go without saying.
And that is a much more powerful way for it to happen........without words.

You just finally realize, down deep, that he is not the ''Glue'' that holds you together......... emotionally, financially, any way.
He is just another of the 4 billion people on earth.

Very Very Tired · Senior Member

canadianguy, Wow! I can't even begin to express how much I needed to read that Toby Rice Drews excerpt on "mini-interventions." Those words just brought clarity to my situation.

Jackie11 · ~*Service Worker*~

Wow thank you!!!

I don't need him, financially, emotionally, in any way, honestly. The biggest thing I just realized is that I don't need to say anything and I've been trying to do too much talking and not enough just action without word.

"When you stop the talking about 'it'-------and just 'do' the actions----- he WILL know it--------his alcoholic radar will pick up your healing and he'll know that he no longer can get away with what he got away with before."

This is really true I've seen it happen. I very much appreciate the ESH!!!

Hope4Peace · Member

Canadianguy--I cannot thank you enough for this post. I, too, needed to hear these words exactly at this moment. I woke up this morning and wondered how did I get to this point in my relationship with my AH, I held on to the idea that my HP gives me exactly what I need when I need it, I just need to do my part. Your words are a gift. I can say: I love him, but I need and want my program of healing more than I want this dysfunctional relationship.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you as well Tom that is HUGE!!!

Hugs P :)

Michelle814 · ~*Service Worker*~

wonderful, beautiful... thank you for sharing that.

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks for the kudos gang, but it is Toby who deserves the accolades.... here is the whole post, that I got permission from her to post on MIP....

T

http://alanon.activeboard.com/t38730205/okay-so-what-can-we-do/

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

When I finally realized all this it felt like a huge weight had been taken off me. I would be okay. I did not "need" him. I had to decide if I "wanted" him. It changes the whole conversation in my head.

whitedove · Member

I have been struggling for days about whether I needed to say anything. I recently had the breakthrough of deciding to continue my relationship for one year. But it is a different relationship for me. I no longer need him in my life. My dream is no longer that we will live the rest of our lives together. My new dream is that I will live the next 24 hours in the relationship.

If things become unbearable than I will walk away. I am working on getting healthy during this year. I have wondered if he deserved to know that I am no longer in this for "better or worse". There is no legal commitment and I can walk away free and clear at any time.

My one year is to allow myself to heal and to allow myself the opportunity to know that I did not make a snap decision to walk away. I am giving him a chance to help himself and to show me that he is worthy of me. So far he is doing better, so I think that he just realizes that the dynamics of the relationship have changed. My BS radar had been broken. His alcoholic radar is evidently working fine. I am now aware of the lies and he is no longer telling me them.

It is a wonderful feeling to no longer feel like I need someone desperately. Now I feel like I only need me. My clock actually started clicking on New Year's Eve. January and February were fighting and nightmares, then finding Al-Anon. The fighting led me to those rooms. I have my own schedule in my head and these words were what I needed to read today.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"