The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
how come life is sooooo complicated. its never like that in fairy tales. when i was growing up, i had this rose tinted view of thw world. you grow up, find a guy, fall in love and live happily ever after... how wrong i was. im going to see my "A" 2moro in rehab... 4th sunday running. we spoke on the phone last nite briefly which ended in a screaming match. im frustrated coz of thw way he is and he's frustrated with me for not trusting him... WUD YA BLAME ME!!! i love him with all my heart but i cant be with him... not when i dont know if or when he will break out again... we are both 24 yrs of age... hes throwing his life away... i cud kill him.... i called him every name going last nite... and yet he didnt say 1 back to me...
im totally lost... im miserable with him and im miserable without him... the world is all f**ked up. i lost my best friend, my lover and my soul mate all in one go... and i dont think i will ever be the same again.
Nope... you will undoubtedly never be the same again, after your experiences thus far..... That's the bad news....
The good news, is if you can learn from it, and grow (Al-Anon, sponsorship, reaching out, self-awareness, etc., etc), you will likely be BETTER, as a person, than if none of this had ever happened to you...
I know that sounds hard to take right now, but I believe it to be the truth...
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I remember one of my first face to face meetings that I went to years ago. This woman started her share saying that she was grateful that she had an "A" in her life. LOL, I thought she was nuts. I thought how in the hell can anyone be grateful to be married (or in love with) an "A"? Well over the years I have learned why she said that.
LOL, want to hear something funny, I say the same thing to now. I am grateful that my husband is an "A". I say that at meetings when I am sharing at a new comer meeting. LOL, and I get the same reaction.
I remeber how the workd looked before I walked through the doors of alanon. It was miserable, dark, bleak and hopeless. I hated my "A" and loved him all in the same breath. I didn't want to live with him, but wondered how I could live without him. (And it had nothing to do with the wondering of what he would be doing while he was gone.) I loved him. I was raised to believe that when you found your mate, that was your mate for life. Now I know that doesn't always work out like that, but I can still have some hope.
In alanon I found myself. I became a strong independent woman who could live with her "A". My "A" and I seperated right before I came to alanon. He went to live with his sponsor. I was 23, had a 2 year old, and was pregnant with our second daughter. I was so angry, how could he abandon me? In alanon I found that my "A" wasn't the only sick one, I was just as insane as he was. Actually I think more insane. I was doing everything I was doing without drinking or drugging.
After a year of living apart we came together again, then shortly after his 18 month birthday in AA, he relapsed. And has only had a few months here or there since. I know I can live without him. I know that him staying with me and the kids (we have 3 now) doesn't help him stay sober/clean. He does what he does. I love him and choose to be with him, that is my choice.
I can detach, I know that his using is not my fault. I can let him be who he is, and still love him.
If you are not going to meetings, I would suggest you start going. Get a sponsor, work the steps. You will never get the rose-colored-glasses back, but the world can look a whole lot brighter through the loving eyes of alanon.
Much Love,
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
If life weren't complicated, it's be boring. That aside, I think we could all use a little boringness (is that a word?) in our lives.
Life with an addict, active or not, is not easy. When they are using, it's one set of issues. When they are recovering it's another. The bottom line is, using or recovering is a very selfish thing. You hope it's the latter. Now that my A is recovering has more mental health issues that he use to numb with drinking. Your recovery has to be about you, as his does, if he chooses to recover. But active or not, you must concentrate on your recovery. You have to be selfish about you. I've said it here hundreds of times, and I'll say it again. You must not loose yourself in his disease. That's how we get sick in the first place. There's a saying here that often the person affected by the disease (and make no bones about it, addiction is a disease) i.e. the non- addict can end up sicker than the addict. It's called co-dependency. My A had a councelor who wasn't an addict, but was such a bad co-dependent that she ended up in a sanitarium for a while.
In time you will learn to lower your expectations of the addict. There is no trust with an addict when it comes to their addiction. I will never trust the addict part of my husband. It's his disease that I don't trust. Eventhough he is sober, I still have a hard time with that issue. If I give him money for tobacco, will he go and spend it on booze? He might. But I didn't cause it. I can't control it. I can't change it. But the boundary I have set for myself and him, is that he can't come home if he's drinking. I've enforced it too. Trust me it's not easy to lock someone out of the house you love. But he's now in a program and doing better. So for now, we live a part. He has his recovery to focus on. I have mine. That's the only way we are going to survive. Is it the "ideal" marriage in other peoples' eyes? No, but I don't care. I'm doing what I have to do, in order to stay alive, and so is he. Besides I owe noone and explanation or justification of my behavior nor my husbands'. If they don't understand, too bad. I live my life for me. I wouldn't change a thing about the life my husband and I have led. Active or not, I love him dearly.
Here and at meetings you will learn the tools to make choices that fit your life and lifestyle. Be patient with him in rehab. He's going through a lot. I remember visiting my A on Sundays. There was one Sunday that he didn't want me to come. But he didn't tell me until much later. When I asked him why he said that he was afraid to hurt my feelings. Frankly I would have been relieved to hear him say please don't come. Your A is dealing with all kinds of emotions without the numbness of addiction.
The fact that you came here, is a good sign. You're not as far gone as you think you might be. It's okay to be frustrated, angry and all the other gamut of emotions you will feel. What you do with them, and how you reac to them is the key to your recovery. Don't give up.
Live strong, Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
