Sorry Its Been awhile again, Just so Much Goin on and Seems to be No End in Sight... I want to Thank ALL of You that Prayed for My Friend Patty that Had Cancer... Her Lord Took Her Home a little over a Week ago, and Tho I Miss her Dearly, What she Taught me these Last 3 years in Al-Anon, I will Hold Dear to My Heart For Many Years to Come...

As Most that know me, I'm Not a Hater, Never have been, but if I ever decided to be... CANCER & Alcoholism would be Well on the Top of the List...I know HP Has a Plan, but sometimes Listening, Waiting, & Recieving it, just Knocks the Wind from My Sails Enough to Question... WHY Again...

In the Last 4 Months I have Lost a Mother In Law to Cancer, And (2) Sweet Ladys, to Cancer and Frankly... I"m Sick to Death of it... If I Never Hear it again it will be Too Soon!!!

I haven't been were I Should be With My Program either, I am Still Hangin on to One of My Sponsers Pretty Tight, and She is the Kindest Dearest Person I could Ever Have in my Life... She Has Helped Me Move Mountains in My Program, and I Adore her to Pieces... And it Seems She adores me as well, She is My Mother Hen, and Does not Allow 3 days without Contact, and Tho I was Never one to feel the Need for Constant Contact, she has taught me more then I ever thought I Could Learn with her Understanding, ESH, and Love...Somedays She is Truly the Only Light I See...

I am Just Discusted with Myself... I am Trying to Juggle to many Balls in the air, and tho I Love having Things to do, I do Believe that OVER BOARD is were I currently stand in my Life, I do Try to Take care of Me... The Husband & I have been walking every evennin for the Last 3 wks anywhere from 2-5 miles depending on the weather & Our Energy, and tho I Love this time with My Husband all to myself, at times even that Feels like Extra work and another schedule to over Come...

I know Life Keeps on Moving, and we are Plannin a Nice Vacation this year, since we have backed away from them for a while, but July Could not Come Soon enough...

I feel I am Struggling ALOT with the Loss of My Al-Anon Friend, (Well I Know i Am) and Tell me if this sounds Wrong... Al-Anon was Almost like my "Other" World, My Safe World, My Retreat to Escape from my Everyday Delima's and Just BE! To Feel Love & Accept Love, and Share ESH, and Learn Acceptance, and YET... I Feel that Wall Sliding Upword because Since I Lost a Dear Sweet Lady... I Feel My Program Is Tarnished... I Feel Selfish even Sayin That..., but I Truly am in a Slump...

I know in my Heart My Friend would not agree with me back sliding and would have the wisdom to tell me to get off my Butt and Just GO! The Last 2 Meetings, I have been Busy, and Tonight was One and I ended up in the Doc Office with my boy so Didn't & Couldn't make that one either, and I do Feel Guilty, but at the same time... I think the Wall is Shading My Will Power to Get there! I Feel LIke My Safety Net has been Yanked at the Loss of My Friend, and My Heart Breaks at the thought of Going back into those rooms Knowing I will Never see her again...

I Guess I Just Needed to Get it Out, Hear it Out Loud Per-say... I don't know if anyone here has ever Felt this way after Lossing a Program Friend/Sister, but for Me this is a Taugh One... And I Just don't know what to Do Next... How to Grab those Belt Straps, and get back on that Horse & Just KNOW... Its Going to be OK, and "This too shall Pass"... Just don't know if I'm there yet... HP in I have had some pretty Deep Converses here Lately & I do the best I can Leaving the Reins in his Hands, Not Mine... But So Often I Find myself Buckin Down & Bulling Forward without Thought or Consiquense... Just Praying SOON, I will see the Light that I have Always Admired from this Program... i know its there.... But Patience has Never been My Friend...

 

Thanks For Listening...

 

Much Love & Respect & Prayers  to All

 

Jozie

Jozie you are grieving. Please give yourself a break!! You need time to just cruise, let things be how they are, not push, not grab onto anything but hp.

Naps and rest, recovery are for a reason. We don't always have to "do." Cannot work on mt or barely hanging on. sometimes we just gotta drop the rock.

take a breath, drop your elbows. I relate so much. I have "5" ladies I know now and care about who have the big C. horrible. shaking head.

sadly you are not alone in this madness.

Please hon, its ok for us who like to keep busy to slow down, watch a movie or two, or even a cool series on netflix! Let yourself heal some.

sending you hugs, calm and peace. debilyn

I was told my skin would get thicker after a while. Its been almost 20 years, i have lost many friends and my skin is no thicker now than it was. in fact sometimes it feels thinner. there was this one guy I knew. Bob. I didn't really like him. I remember I went down over the christmas holidays one year to chair some marathon meetings. for newcomers, right. Bob had the same idea. Of course no one else showed up and it was just Bob and I. we got talking and I realized why i didn't like him. I had always considered Bob to be a bit arrogant. I guess he reminded me of me. We became good friends, not best friends, but good friends. One day he was found in his apartment, heart attack. I felt let down by my higher power. I was just getting to know the guy and he was taken from me. But one day I was in a meeting and I cant remember what the topic was but I said "You catch more bears with honey than you do with a big stick." It was one of Bob's favorite sayings. Then I realized, Bob was still with me, in my heart. Know what I mean, jellybean.