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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> ESH on post-detachment train wreckage?
Post Info TOPIC: ESH on post-detachment train wreckage?
rara avis


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ESH on post-detachment train wreckage?
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First, most importantly: I've been reading almost all of the posts but not responding, because I want to write a supportive response to each one! There isn't enough time for that, so I've just been paying attention instead. This is rather flakey, but, seriously, you guys are on my mind and I've been quietly sending supportive 'vibes' to each and every one of you. For what its worth, I hope even that tiny bit is helpful. I'm grateful for this board and everyone's stories. 

My question: anybody have ESH on post breakup meltdown? The breakup w/my RA was exhausting and kind of scary. We were planning on getting married [ so I thought ] which surely amplified sense of loss which followed. Anyhoo, now things have calmed down and I feel like a COMPLETE wreck. Literally everything feels overwhelming,my self esteem has tanked, and I cannot seem to climb myself out of the pit.  The pitying/worrying part of me makes things worse by reminding me I'm 40, childless, no neices or nephews, no sibling, no good career...etc...generally feeling like a waste of space. I'm trying to do the right things to battle this kind of depression- counseling, exercise, friends, music etc...but I really feel hideous and stuck. I've been marching through the "to do's" for depression but seemed to have marched right into a wall. 

 What has probably not helped at all is, literally every night for the past month I've had dreams involving my ex RA. On the few nights I haven't, I've dreamt I was in a war, ei Afganistan.  I've even had some great, fun days but then I'll go to bed and have another durn dream. My counselor says these dreams are a good sign, like my mind is working through some things, but let me tell you, I disagree as I often wake up in tears.  It's like my subconscious is playing a cruel joke. I don't want to sit here wailing with my hand to my head going,    " Whyyyyyyy!", but honestly I am worried at my level of mental moosh and would love to hear if this is normal? I feel alone in loony town. It is scary to feel so incompetent. 

 Just hearing other peoples' experiences would be useful. Thank you all so much!

-rara avis



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rehprof


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rara --

My bf and I broke up the first week in december...and I still think about him 2 or 3 times a day...and wonder why...

My divorce from my AH on the other hand, will be final in a couple of weeks.

I am really feeling down and a sense of loss. My self-esteem is terrible, and I can't even begin to think about what the future holds for me in terms of relationships...I am scared to be alone forever, but I'm even more afraid of another painful break up...I don't know if I could live through another one...

so...I'm trying to take it one day at a time...and my brain is mush too...I am trying to stay active, but it really takes herculean effort...mostly I just want to crawl in a hole.

I'm am hoping this will pass...its a very heavy place to be.

So, I don't know what's normal, but I know that this is what I am feeling because of these losses of relationships in my life.

sending your strength,

rp



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Breakingfree


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AAre you exercising, eating right and taking care of yourself? When I have trouble with dreams or obsessing over my A I can usually exercise myself calm and or read lots of Melody Beattie books. Sending you love and support!

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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree

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" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."

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whitedove


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I am going through the same feelings. Really miss the boyfriend and close loving relationship we used to have. Still too much work to do on me before I start another relationship. I keep telling myself that I need to get healthy and then more likely to attract a healthy man. Sick attracts sick and I do not need anymore sick in my life.

All of that does not stop the lonely nights, empty other side of the bed, wishing for a happier past. There are regrets, things I wish I had done differently. I trust my HP to help me get through this one day at a time. I think about the 3 C's, read my literature, say the serenity prayer, go to meetings and tell myself that there will be a happier future for me.



-- Edited by whitedove on Wednesday 29th of February 2012 12:48:06 PM

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Pushka


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RA,

Hugs, so glad you posted an update!! I was going to ask are you attending any kind of alanon meetings? I can't remember if that was doable or not for you. I know for me without alanon I wouldn't be ok right now. Agree as well lots of melody beattie books .. they at least give me peace of mind that I'm not alone and what I feel even as crazy as I think it might be is probably not so crazy.

Hugs P :)

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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
alexmaui


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Rara...Sounds like you are doing everything right, to me. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to just wait it out.
Go through the pain to the other side...even though it really hurts. So many of us are in the same place as you.
Blessings and hugs

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Debilyn


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Well it's sortof like when ya break a rib. It's going to hurt until it is healed.

Its a huge wound, loss. Its a million + losses, dreams, someone to sleep with, someone to cook for, doing things for, another body at home.

I loved driving home and seeing his van in the driveway up the mountain. Loved folding his cloths.

His toothbrush....so many losses to heal from.

We just have to go through it, there is no going around it, we have to feel it. As much as it hurts, for me it has lasted a lifetime. Has affected everything about me. Was almost 31 years ago my AH was killed in an accident. My ex AH its been geez about 10 years since he really left.(brain surgery killed the man I loved)

The pain, the horrible gut wrenching sobbing, comes much less often as time goes on. but I feel my heart is scar ed.

You are all doing what you can. Just like any wound, it is tender and takes time and good health to heal.

time to go easy on you. I have horrendous nightmares, Have all my life. I taught myself to say my HP's name in the nightmare and it stops. also I read the Bible before I go to sleep.

chamomile tea helps me too. mmmmm hugs,debilyn



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

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pinkchip


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Your reality is defined by how you think about it to a large degree. You don't have to be a wreck and you don't have to dwell on what you do not have right now. You are a work in progress and it would help to be okay with that. Things are going to come together slowly with work. Have faith.

Mark

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rara avis


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Thanks, everyone. Yeah, I'm doing the right things, but seem to be crawling slower and feeling worse not better. Stasis would be okay but not downsliding. I guess I'm not very good at waiting ;P

I like the talking to oneself in dreams idea! I'll figure out a way to put that into practice.

hugs
rara avis

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likemyheart


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Hello Rara, good to see you again - I have more than once described the feeling of being like a donkey following the stick tied to her back - for most of last year that was me. I cried a lot, listened to old country songs which made me cry more trying to get it out of my system. But more importantly, I reclaimed MY life. in the last 6 months especially I have been cleaning out rooms, getting rid of so much flotsam and jetsam. My bedroom is for the first time in my life, MINE and I've arranged it to suit MY needs and no one elses. One by one I have looked at the rooms in my house and made plans for how things will be. I worked SO much last year because work helped me get through each and every day. Today I still try to walk every where but I no longer feel like there's a stick tied to my back. I laugh more and live in a peaceful house; more importantly, my daughter who was incredibly angry at me for the whole mess I'd put us in has come back to me, slowly but she's back to being my friend rather than the surly stranger who stomps to her room. And I still mourn sometimes for what was lost. I think what you are experiencing is part of the process of going through what you have been through.

Sometimes ya gotta Just Keep Swimming. Cheers!

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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Auntyaya


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I ended a 30 year marriage, so I know of what you speak. Now is the time for you to pay attention to the  longest and most important relationship we have in our lives..the one with ourselves. Just do today and treat yourself as kindly as you would a dear friend...you will get through this...today, only today...



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Oksie


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it will take as long as it takes.
I encourage you to treat yourself as you would your best friend.

What would you say to your girlfriend in this state? Would you be hard on her and tell her she is a mess? Would you be supportive and curl up on the lounge and watch a chick flick with some pizza every now and then.
Woudl you take her out and just sit and watch the clouds and be 'in the now' with her? Have a coffee and watch the world go by when you can.
Would you tell her all the wonderful things you love about her.

Be your own best friend and pretend for a little bit. Write a letter to your friend telling her what you think and feel about her.

then post it to yourself.

In my opinion, breaks ups are the most hardest thing to go through in life, and trust me, I turned the life support off my daughter and it was an easier decision to make than to leave her father....... Ihate breakups....

Go easy on yourself...... this too shall pass.


sending you the love and support of the goddesses

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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> ESH on post-detachment train wreckage?