So my ex is angry at me (again) - because I had the audacity to leave a message three days after he was supposed to give some money (but didn't)towards HIS motorcycle payment which I'd been paying on alone for the last four months. I have decided that I will take the credit hit, the loan is in my name only and it will hurt but the bike is his and the payment is his according to our divorce papers. Of course he reminds me the bike is his, ha, so I remind him the payment is his. I have decided to just send the payment notices to his PO box, notify the bank what is going on and leave it in his hands. I doubt he will let it get repo'd, but as long as he knows I will cover the payment, he won't even try. (paying cuts into his beer money).

He called my home, left angry message on my machine which I recorded for future reference if I ever need it. My 17 year old was here and got to hear it, and he wonders why I refuse to give him my new cell number. Oh well.

Discussing the issue with a couple people recently, one asked how long I was going to keep enabling him? Of course part of my reluctance to not pay the bill comes from not wanting to mess up my credit (but with so little income what am I going to be buying anyway???) and, part comes from having signed a contract promising to pay - what will God have to say about that? I don't know. I firmly believe I will stand with Him one day and have to account for my sins - so only then will I know.

I'm ready to tell the bank what is happening, what I'm willing to have happen, where the bike is, whatever - if he hides it, I guess it will be reported stolen. I am letting go - I held on for so long to the hope that somehow it would make a difference that I'd been civil, nice, decent, helpful but it doesn't matter a hill of beans how much I've done for him over the last year. If it means cutting into his beer drinking free bachelor lifestyle I will always be the bad guy.

oh well. But it hurts getting kicked in the teeth again, I won't lie. I musta needed it - to take yet another step away from the drama of his life, a reminder of how insane his thinking is, and a refusal to join in the fray.

Just shaking my head at the insanity of his whole way of thinking - what he remembers, how he remembers what he remembers - how he uses how he remembers things to try to stick the knife in as deep as possible and do the most damage.

Is it any wonder I have no desire to ever have another man in my life? Just rambling, maybe someone else is sitting there nodding while reading, relating to my ramblings. You're not alone.