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I hear it again and again. Now, my adult children in their 30's are even "angrier" towards me it seems, even though I have Always been open with them about their Dads addictions (etol and drugs), had them in alakid.
One adult son texted me about his 3 yr old saying I called her an inappropriate name. I don't swear. Hubby Never swears (I've hear one bad work in over 13 yrs). I say dam it....when really angry hell comes out. OK, that is our profanity. G rated todays standars.
Now, when married to the A who called me every dispicable name in the book in front of my sons, I fought back. That is many years ago. The me who would swear back at him (trying to shock him b/c it was "me" who "didn't swear"). lol
Today, my kids use profanity, the ex does all the time. I tore me up to hear my sweet grandaughter use this language. I asked where she is learning it, son says it is normal for today and ridiculed me for not thinking it is funny.
Brings me to this point. I have no control or affect on how my grandchildren are being raised the same way my kids were (which horrified me fyi at the time, I Lived in AlAnon etc). I grew up without the profanity, being called names, ridiculed, abuses etc. So I am doubly horrified to see this now in the 2nd generation. I pray...I try to build them up, teach them right from wrong and that Daddy's moods are NOT their fault. I teach them to respect their parents. Anyways....son is getting worse as the years go by, more paranoid etc. Sons do not respect me. That is getting worse, and they are not happy. Typical in reaching their 30's and being affected by their growing up years.
I am thinking, I want to move back "home". My home that I love ie the weather, culture, being outdoors year round etc and seeing them on vacation.
Has anyone here moved away from the drama? Did it help, not help. Your ESH is appreciated. FYI, I've Never liked it here, came with the ex. I don't do cold, snow, heat/humidity and miss the ocean fiercely.
The thing I've learned in Al-Anon is wherever I go, there I am.
We hear often about A's "going geographical" to try to escape their problems only to find their problems come right along with them and just manifest with new people. It is no different for Al-Anon.
I will admit that not living with an A is a LOT easier than living with one 24/7. I do not know if that is your experience - if you are living with your children or not.
I know things that have helped my in my recovery are tools like practicing detachment with love, understanding I am powerless over other people and their choices, and turning my problems over to my Higher Power.
The important thing for me to know is that I am the source of my happiness or misery. It all starts with me. If I am centered and practicing my recovery, there is no outside circumstance that will disrupt me and have me feeling upset or victimized. If I am off-balance and not practicing my recovery, then interactions with negative people can push me over and leave me feeling hurt, angry, fearful, victimized.
Living with one is definitely harder. I'm new to the chat room and not really sure it's right for me but at the moment i don't want to go to meetings but I think I could use some help to learn to cope when my husband or either of my sons drink too much. I have learned a lot over the last 25 years but one thing that is clear is that I'm very tired of the same issue causing yet more problems in my family. Kudos to all those who have learned to detach or cope.
While I understand what you are saying, the bottom line is my being "available" to be dumped on by the son who escalates and takes no responsibility for his actions. How am I available? By answering the phone, him coming to my home etc etc. As he is aging, he is becoming more and more unhappy, overweight and more uptight. While I work VERY hard at detaching from and not biting into the "bait", he is astute at things that frankly turn my stomach. ie him thinking it is funny that his 3 yr old daughter whom I care for during the week says that I called her dumb azz....we do not speak like that here. There is never any programming on either with that type of language and he accuses me of saying these things. That doesn't bother me, he can think what he wants. I know the truth. It is simply exhausting dealing with the irrational behaviours. Detaching with love takes energy, and some people come looking for a fight. I won't fight. I am also Tired, have fought my battle with cancer and am doing so very well!:) Life is short, I cannot affect his choices in behaviour. Living in close proximity though allows him to carry on and I'm frankly tired of it. I've served my time. . Truly, the ONLY reason I live here is because of family. Not my favorite place lol....unless you are a polar bear:) I can't change, don't want to change the kids behaviours. But truly seem to be intensifying the older they get. I really wanted to know IF anyone (lots of post readers here I see) had in fact moved away (not to run away per se) to a place they really like And away from the day to day drama and how that panned out if so. Glad for the decision, or not.
To thine own self be true - with regard to where you want to live. Some simple facts about alcoholism though - It's genetically passed down with the highest link being from fathers to sons. So, that part is 100 percent out of your control. This is going to be your adult son's journey and the same alanon tools of detachment apply. It would be nice if there was something the non drinking parent could do to completely arrest the family pattern of alcoholism, but there really isn't and the best you can do is just be you and be the best you that you know how to be. Be happy and try not to regret things that were not in your control to begin with.
When people grow up, they incorperate the voice of their parents as their conscience. So he may have a "destructive cut loose side" which is dad and a "rational, do what you are supposed to side" which is more like you. While, the part that is associated with you is not as much "fun" to listen to, it is the part that keeps a roof over his head and the part that has allowed him to succeed to any extent in life. He resents you cuz you spoil his fun (even if it's just your voice and your values in his head).....He does not consciously give credit to you for being the stable parent that taught him how to get by. (Some of this may be far reaching but hopefully you see where I'm going).
You could say I ultimately "moved away" from my exAH when I divorced him. He is no longer in my life continuously - I am no longer there for him to blame for his problems, and he is no longer in my life for me to point the finger at, as well.
I do feel a tremendous amount of peace from this, but it was a long thought-out decision that was not made in haste.
Bloodline family members, however, may be a different story. They're there in your life for the long haul unless someone makes a decision to cut off all contact completely.
I can tell you, I live 3,000+ miles away from my family, and whenever I do get back together with them, I see my old character defects start to rear up. Its only my continued recovery in Al-Anon that helps me to get through some of the chaos at times... and even then, I'll find myself needing to have a phone call with my sponsor in the middle of it all, or seeking out a meeting to re-center myself.
