not in a good place today - Al-Anon Family Group

Oksie · Senior Member

not in a good place today

DreamXL · Senior Member

Linda ..glad you were able to get that out. I hope it makes you feel a bit better. I think we all have lets call them bad days, to say the least, I know I do. The one thing I do and recognize today is that when I am having one of "those" days.........I remind myself that everything is subject to change, sometimes I just cant wait for the day to be over and I try to stay clear of people :) I hope your feeling better, thanks again!!!

Too hard · Senior Member

Know that you are cared for.

Know that a number of people on this site have appreciated your posts and enjoyed your progress over the last few months.

Know that 'this too will pass'.

The "why this feeling" is not as important as what you do..... what action you take.

It sounds good to me....you got up, dressed and have gone to work.

When you are feeling a bit better you can work out how this happened.

Just now take action in being kind and loving to yourself......take a walk in your favorate place...buy a small bunch of flowers...buy a little perfume for yourself.....a large icecream.

Sending you hugs you need "Just for today"

T.H.

Oksie · Senior Member

I can't wait for it to pass Too Hard. I do feel the fog lifting. I am so over this stuff it isn't funny.
Why can't I just be normal. I don't see my workmates crying and not able to function. It is just me. I don't hear my friends tell the things that I feel. NOt for no reason anyway, sure in a time of grief or something. I just am different I guess.

pineapple · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Linda))), I too have days like that-just getting dressed seems like too much effort. I don't consciously want to die, but there are days when I feel like what is the use of going on? But (so far) these feelings have always gone away before I've had too much time to think about them. Bottom line-I LIKE being alive, thank my HP for every precious day of life, however hard that day may be. You wrote ¨I just am different I guess.¨¨ Maybe you are compared to the people in your immediate circle. But you are definitely not alone. We are here and we understand.

Oksie · Senior Member

This is the first time I have ever reached out when I want to die.
Usually I just get angry. Yell at my husband. Tell him how useless he is and how he can't make me happy etc etc.
Or I just keep it in myself and cry and be angry in my own head.
Most of the time my hubby has no idea what is going on. I just say I am a little quiet today and he is good with that.
I can keep most things very well hidden. I have a great mask.
But... today... I thought ... why do I have these supports in place if I'm not going to use them.

So I reached out. It is the very first time ever I have wanted to ring a psych. I knew I would find some company here.

Pineapple, lots of days I wonder whats the point of going on... today is deeper ... but I know I won't hurt myself as that would really hurt my husband and my Mum and my animals.

NOw.. 3 hours after talking to the psych, I feel more like the .. don't want to go on.. as opposed to please kill me now I want to die. So I know it will get better. I am abit embaressed as to what to say to my hubby tonight.. hi babe.. how was your day.. I don't want to dienow, thanks for cracking the poos with me earlier about it though....

pineapple · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Linda)))
I tried to send this as a PM, but for some reason it wouldn't work. So, OK- I'll put it out here on the board for everyone to read. I could so relate to your post today. I don't ever REALLY want to die, but i admit to having suicidal thoughts sometimes. Because I feel trapped in this relationship and can find no way out. So I can definitely relate to the feelings you shared on the board. Yet, in spite of all the problems, the feeling of being trapped, etc. - I like to think that my HP has a plan for me, even though I may not be aware of it right now. So I keep going on day to day (one day or sometimes hour, or minute, at a time) and continue to hope/pray for guidance and wisdom to see me through. Thanks for sharing. It means a lot to me and others who may be in the same situation. Sending HOPE and SUPPORT!

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

So what's not to love...I love you. I have days like this and while they are happening I keep in mind that my mind is forming thoughts and pictures that are not real and it is doing it on false evidence. False Evidence Appearing Real....FEAR. I also keep in mind the definition for depression that I learned that seems to fit for me most of the time..."Anger turned inward"...so what's not to love. I go to my Higher Power and ask How do you love me? Then I work on duplicating that. I also ask other in the program to do an inventory of me and honest one and usually I end up realizing I am my own worse enemy and often too hard on myself. Another perception for me to look at are my expectations...real or unreal...sane or not. Some days I got to go work before I go to work.

I love you...really (((((hugs))))) smile

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I know ya probably don't want to, for me when I used to feel like that, would make myself go for a walk. With dog or dogs of course.

It is normal to feel off like you do. I would not say everyone goes thru it. For me it was always hormonal.

Now it usually is when I forget to take my meds.

It can be what you eat too. I find if I eat late I feel awful in the morn.

Not sure how I taught me this but I can sorta go on auto pilot and not think of things. I love to sweep and mop, clean the g pig high rises, feed the birds. I don't or rarely just be lazy and not care

Do know I do not take it out on others.I have had that done to me and its awfu. I know when my friend did that to me not long ago, just the fact she told me she was sorry and did not mean it at all was enough.

I would just apologize and let it be known it had nothing to do with him.

Cannot remember if you journal or blog or not. that helps.

I am GLAD you felt comfy enough to come here. that is great.

Are you bored? If your cloths bug you, I know being a stockier type woman, I get things that fit that I like. I know I feel better when I have some nice things to pop on that I feel pretty in and don't squash me.

Am usually very feminine but lately been loving my nice warm flannels shirts with shorts...'I know you work but what do you love to do that is just yours?Something that keeps ya busy. My guinea pigs wear me out, I need that. When I had the animal sanctuary I loved to go out and French braid my horses tail and mane. I also French Braided down the back of my potted pig!

What do you do that fulfills you? I want to volunteer at the Used book store.

Anyway it is always good to see ya post little aussie girl. Believe me NO matter what when you smile you are beautifull! deb

Oksie · Senior Member

Thanks

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

II do get so frustrated at times that I get cranky and I noticed if I feel it coming on I will wear myself out on a walk with my dog or on the treadmill, it calms me down. I love you and am glad you are here!

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Linda you are not alone I have known days like that

What really helped was to reach out, break the isolation, (as you have done). I also focused on myself in a positive manner by making a gratitude, and asset list (even if I did not feel it) and inner prayer as I walked about dressing and showering. The feelings lifted faster and I really did begin to feel grateful and empowered by my true assets.

When you are up to it you can then try to work a 4th thru 7th step These are so very powerful and also helped to restore me to sanity and the energy of living

Glad you trusted us with your heart.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm so glad you reached out to us. I think it helps all of us to know that we're not the only ones who reach the end of our ropes sometimes.

It sounds to me as if you're burnt out. You may not have anything extra stressful going on right now, but there's the weight of everything. Sometimes the past weighs more heavily, sometimes present problems just weigh a lot. We get so used to carrying them that we don't notice that it's a big weight. And I think that sometimes when we've stood up under a lot, we're not as resilient as we want to be. Yet another thing to take on just wears us down. I tell myself that I'm lucky to have a cooperative non-violent non-hostile alcoholic ex-husband who's trying his best, and that's true. When I compare him to a lot of A's and exes he's really good. But I also shouldn't lose sight of the fact that when I compare him to an actual functioning person, he's not so good, and carrying the extra load that he leaves me is tiring. Sometimes counting my blessings is discounting the weight of the non-blessings. And I think we have to take care of ourselves very carefully because of the non-blessings. We have to be very tender with ourselves. I lose sight of that all the time and then I get into trouble.

We're very glad you're here. Please take very good care of yourself.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Lova ya Linda. I still think I am the only man with literal PMS so don't feel alone. In the course of today I literally heard myself beginning to tell off my boss, my partner...for no particular reason other than that I am stressed and want more validation. I didn't, but it still sucked that I was on the verge of a bitch-fit all day and wanted to nail myself to a cross as king martyr.

Oksie · Senior Member

thanks guys
Trust me it is not hormonally driven.

I spoke with a special person today from these boards... and I spoke to my psych... and alot of light was shed on things.

To cut a long story short.... I woke up as 'little Linda' this morning and had a child hood reaction to my adult life. Triggers were brought up for me that I didn't even recognise existed.

I took 'little linda' out to lunch, sat her down and had a nice chat to her telling her that this man is different to the other men that we have seen. This man is ok and he is not going to hurt us like we have been hurt before.

Ya see... my husband got very drunk last night. I have never had a problem with him drinking. He isn't a problem when he drinks. He didn't eat all day, he is very skinny, he has been stressed, and he had a few drinks after work... by 630pm he was slurring, giggling and wanting a cuddle. I just ignore him and I don't have an issue.

It didn't bother me at all. We had a nice night. I am not consciously triggered by his drinking at all. But apparently over night.. little Linda was triggered and she woke me up this morning and let me know she was NOT happy.

That is how I felt my entire teenage years.... I have wanted to die since I was a little kid. I first tried it at 12. The razors hurt when they cut so I didn't do that again... I have been suicidal more times than I can remember. My attempts have always been unsuccessful (obviously ddeerrr).

Once it was pointed out to me what may be going on.... it just seemed so right, so correct. Its not just the drinking, it was a few other little things. When I think back I can almost remember the wall going up.

I have been in therapy to break the walls down... its obviously working .. hooray for me (half tongue in cheek).

Soooo much still to learn

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

WOW. That is some powerful insight.

You may have seen this quote, but I thought I'd share it in case you hadn't:

You can accept or reject the way you are treated by other people, but until you heal the wounds of your past, you will continue to bleed. You can bandage the bleeding with food, with alcohol, with drugs, with work, with cigarettes, with sex, but eventually, it will all ooze through and stain your life. You must find the strength to open the wounds, stick your hands inside, pull out the core of the pain that is holding you in your past, the memories, and make peace with them. ~ Iyanla Vanzant

You ARE normal for someone who has YOUR history. Trauma changes us. But we can, and do recover...one thing that helps me is to remember that recovery is not always linear...lots of bumps, turns, distractions and detours...

much ESH coming your way...

surfgirl123 · Senior Member

You are not alone. Hang in there, as you can see a lot of people care about you. Don't give into it, this too shall pass. Hugs and prayers your way. :)

danni · Senior Member

Hi Linda, I am sorry you were having such a difficult and painful time. I, too , have a tendency to look at others and feel like they don't suffer the way I sometimes do. My sponser reminds me to try not to compare my insides to someone else's outsides. We just have no idea what others think and feel. I am so glad you reached out and used your resources (a result of your effort and recovery) to take care of yourself. Sending you healing, understanding, and compassion.

Oksie · Senior Member

rehprof.... I love that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think I did read it once a looooong time ago.... its fantastic and exactly what I am doing.
Thanks

Guys I feel so much better today it isn't funny. Full of life and love and happiness. Moods change as quick as the weather around here hahaha.

I have noticed another trigger for me is my husband wanting to go fishing... I don't like fishing.. I feel very abandoned when he wants to go and do that with a friend. I a bit better about it this weekend as he is going with a person that doesn't smoke dope so he probably won't take anything with him to smoke. Thats a good thing

Anyway, today I woke up wiht a massive smile on my face happy to be here.

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