The material presented
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It's okay to be where you're at. But if you're like me, anger doesnt' feel good, and I always want to get past it, I am usually eager to do the work.
To me, anger is the opposite of acceptance. So I often start writing when I'm angry. I was taught to work a step 4 every time I had a resentment. If that doesn't bring clarity, I start writing down the statements that are circling around in my head: I'm angry at (him) for getting a DUI. I'm angry at (him) for lying to me. He should not have gotten that DUI. He should not lie to me..... etc. etc. Get it all down, Vomit it all up.
I was taught to ask myself if any of my thoughts are TRUE????
Then, I look at the statements and start writing turn-around statements, for example: I am NOT angry at him... or, He SHOULD have gotten that DUI, He SHOULD lie to me.... When I do that, I can see the truth...
He should have gotten a DUI. why? Because that is what alcoholics do. He should lie to me because that is what alcoholics do. He is behaving exactly like an alcoholic should behave, and my resentment that he SHOULDN'T.... is my own insanity. It goes against reality, and every time I argue with reality, it is a losing battle.
Have you truly accepted your powerlessness over alcoholism, sweetie? Learn all you can about the disease, and you will understand that he is powerless too, he is not "choosing" his disease.
So your prayer might become, "God help me to be WILLING to accept my powerlessness... or, help me to be WILLING to let go of the anger...."
Willingness is everything, when I supply the willingness, God supplies the power.... things start feeling much better because I am not resisting anymore.
-- Edited by glad lee on Thursday 23rd of February 2012 11:51:11 AM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I'm still angry about the fallout from my AH's DUI from last Thursday. I can't seem to shake it. I am withholding affection from him, being curt and short with my words, and I am keeping my distance. We've had a few good talks this week and he's doing a great job in taking care of his side of the street right now. And, I'm doing a good job of staying out of his business regarding the alcohol and the DUI.
I just wish I could shake the anger. I pray. I read. I pray. I read. I call someone from my Al Anon group or text someone. Then I pray some more. Does this just take time? Honestly, I actually feel pretty good about the DUI itself. I am more angry about the lies and about his motivation for drinking in the first place. He says he kept up the drinking because he was angry with me for calling his psychiatrist back on October. He says he thought I was being intrusive and controlling and that I had no business calling the doctor. So, he rebelled. He said, "I'll show her," and he continued his game of hide the alcohol, get drunk, etc.
He has admitted his wrongs and has said he was sorry quite a few times, but I wonder if he's just sorry that he got caught. Anyway, I'm still just trying to get past the lies and I'm trying to hold myself accountable for my own negligent actions from the past: mostly the searching his stuff for hidden alcohol. I guess it will take time, but sometimes I feel like I'm punishing him when really, I just don't feel ready to get close physically right now. I know I've put up a wall, just don't know when it's going to come down and it's making me uncomfortable.
ilovedogs - thanks for sharing. Go easy on yourself... I too understand not being able to move through anger as quickly as I'd like to and for me it's hard to know how long is ok? When you've been hurt or feel angry it's hard to let go of that. Keep doing what you are doing... when you are ready you will do with it what you need too.
Thinking of you and sharing some of the same feelings!
ILD - I think you are doing amazing considering where you started from and how this DUI thing had "I told you so" written all over it. It would be pretty hard for me to not totally harsh out so you are actually inspiring me. Anyhow, I did want to state that my BS meter went off in regard to the "I drank out of retaliation for calling my psychiatrist" thing. That is crap. Grown people don't drink or do anything cuz someone else "made them." Once anyone is in AA or any kind of recovery for even just a little while, they will need to understand that the only reason they (or he) drank is because he wanted to.
Hugs .. it does take time. For me it's about not taking things personally, this is something I really apply throughout my life. It's another form of denial from the A. It's not your fault that he got a DUI. It's not your fault that he drank more. It's another form of deflection to try and make you feel responsible for his consequences. At least that's what I'm reading with your post. As if .. if you hadn't searched for his booze then he wouldn't be drinking .. he's an alcoholic and that's what alcoholics do. He's just using you as an excuse not to face his own responsibilities in his actions. Really? You called the Dr so he drank more? I don't think so. It was going to be something else that caused his drinking it's never going to be the fact he's an alcoholic.
I try and watch actions and not listen to words. Words are deceptive, actions .. actions speak truth about what is and is not going on. Show me don't tell me.
As far as the anger it has taken a lot of time and the anger just didn't appear over night anymore than his drinking did .. it was progressive. It's going to take time and small steps to deal with the anger. It also comes in waves. The book Delimna of an Alcoholic Marriage talks about anger and sex .. it's a good read and I really do recommend it. I also encourage you to attend open AA meetings if you happen to have the chance to because we are two sides of the same coin with our sig others I never realized that until I started seeing myself as these folks started sharing their thoughts.
You are doing the best you can given the circumstances be patient and gentle with yourself. There will be lots of emotional roller coasters that come and go, it's more important to have clarity to figure out what is best for you.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I agree with each poster You are doing fine I found that" saying I am sorry" comes easy to many. For me,it It did not change anything. Words come easy it is actions that count Changing behavior and attitudes reflects the meaningful change..
using Alanon tools to live your life is truly a process. The 3 As come to mind Awareness, Acceptance and Action
Allow yourself to feel the feelings, verbalize them here, to a sponsor, at meetings. HP will lift the anger and it will be replaced with deeper understanding , compassion and empathy for YOURSELF that can then be reflected to others
To my mind, anger is a way of saying that you're not okay with this. It's protective. I wonder if your anger is telling you something. He says he kept up the drinking because he was mad at your stance. Does he acknowledge that that was just harming himself? I'm afraid I don't remember if he's in a recovery program. My therapist once told me that anger will be there as long as it's needed, in other words as long as we need to protect ourselves. She said anger would change when the situation changed. So I imagine that if he has a really good grip on recovery (which could take quite a while, like a year or more) and he makes amends, your need to protect yourself would dissipate. But right now what I see your anger as doing is saying to yourself, "This man is saying the right things, but I can't be sure how long he's going to keep this point of view. I can't be sure he won't relapse and it will all start over again. I feel very cautious about whether I can let down my guard." And those sound as if they would be realistic thoughts to me.
That said, living and feeling so angry is unpleasant. I remember that saying about how anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Anger is very focused on being wronged and on the bad behavior of the other person. Remember that you do always have choices. You can separate from the A at any time. I mean you can move out or have him move out. If you stay with him, it's a choice, not because you are trapped. If you're making the choice to stay with him, you might look at why -- what are the good things that keep you there? Looking at those too might help fill in the picture of who he is, not all good but not all bad either. There are good parts there or you wouldn't still be there.
I wanted to clarify the statement about him drinking cuz "he wants to." Yes, alcoholism is a disease and an active alcholic drinks largely cuz they are caught up in the disease. But just about all people know there is recovery out there and to not be in it is a choice. Hence, there is some responsibility involved in ongoing active alcoholism and addiction. The person does have a choice and if I did not believe that, I would still be drinking.
Anyhow, sorry for making it all about him, but if this was all about acceptance it would be much simpler. It's not simply accepting your spouse has a disease when there are things they can do about it and they can choose recovery. What I have learned here on these boards is that it is a delicate balance between acceptance and boundaries and those are different for everyone.
One person could say "If you don't stop drinking I'm leaving" and that is their boundary. Kudos for them. Another person may choose to work on acceptance and wind up being okay and another might work on acceptance up to the point that it is intolerable. Different strokes for different folks.
With relation to you ILD - I reiterate, I am proud of your progress :) Your husband has some work to do in taking responsibility though, but I guess you know for your alanon work, you can't control his progress or his choice to be in recovery or not.
All of my anger is just fear coming out. Anger feels so aggressive but it's really just the scared little kid in me making a fuss.
You have every right to be angry, I would be too. I don't know if what I said above applies to you--generally I think that is the case. And I don't know if knowing this matters or not. But maybe understanding the origin will help to move past it.
Thank you all for responding. Glad Lee, your post really got me thinking and made me cry. Talking about powerlessness and willingness, geez those are so hard for me to grasp. The willingness to let go is hardest for me. Giving it all to Godnis easy but I think I always want to hold onto some little part of the illusion of control. Yes, I know deep down that it's an illusion for me to think I have control but I also feel that I don't want to let go.
I am doing a good job of staying out of the DUI process, though. I truly thought I would have my nose in his business constantly. Some of you made a comment about how he used my interference as his excuse to keep drinking. I saw that, too. Hence the reason I am angry because he's using me as his scapegoat, someone to blame for his poor decision making. He has not talked about going to rehab nor has he mentioned AA. I think he's just biding his time until he sees what the court orders, instead of taking positive actions himself. I also think he wants me to tell him where meetings are, etc but I'm nt going to offer unless he specifically asks.
He should have gotten a DUI. why? Because that is what alcoholics do. He should lie to me because that is what alcoholics do. He is behaving exactly like an alcoholic should behave, and my resentment that he SHOULDN'T.... is my own insanity. It goes against reality, and every time I argue with reality, it is a losing battle.
This is speaking to me very loudly. My AH hasn't had a drink in weeks and told me last night he is making plans to get together with a drinking friend. I have been having a hard time with it internally, though I have kept quiet. Thanks for your post ILD. It brought me something I desparately needed today.
I am sending you so much support!! I love the ESH you have received. Big hug.
