The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have a 26 y.o. daughter who lives with an alcoholic. I suspect she is one also. Her boyfriend just lost his job due to drinking and was ordered to undergo in-patient treatment. He has not done so. I talk to my daughter and we just talk about superficial things. Sometimes I think I don't really know her at all and feel that we are moving farther apart. Al-Anon f2f meetings and my sponsor have been very helpful to me, however, I am having a really hard time detaching. I am not there yet, but work on it every day. I need to know how I can really communicate with her. I tell her I love her, but beyond that, I do not comment. My sponsor tells me not to ask anything about her ABF which I do, but I feel like I am losing her but not letting her know how I really feel. I'm trying to look at my motives - am I trying to control her? Am I trying to be God? I have been obsessing so much and worrying. Can we ever tell a loved one anything other than superficial talk? Any ESH is appreciated.
My daughter is an a/a, I was in denial about her use for a long time, my son was the known a/a. Until I learned and practiced detaching it was very difficult because I thought staying in there business was love and I love both my kids very much, they are both 45+y's.o. Until I finanlly got it through my thick skull that the only way I could find peace and serenity was to mind my own business and my sponsor reminded me that I had already told them most of the things I was obessing about telling them again. It's still hard, but it get better all the time. In fact, now I very seldom get into any one's business, unless they want to share something, I show concern and compassion and do what I can to help and let it go. I don't want their stuff in my head, messing with my senerity. I'm learning that it's a full time job just keeping my side of the street clean. Hightly favored!
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Just go a step at a time, one day at a time. And you'll find a rich, thankful life you never thought you could afford.--A Rogers
With my daughter sometimes all I can do is say, "I love you; if you ever want to talk about _________" let me know" and leave it at that. And wait. Sometimes she opens the door to deeper conversations but I let her lead the way. I think the abililty to talk about anything deep or meaningful gets swallowed up by the one big thing you want to talk about being the one big thing she is afraid you will want to talk about so its easier to talk about superficial things. I try to stay firmly on topic unless she goes to the taboo topics - sometimes I will say something like, hmmm, do you really want me to say what I'm thinking? Giving her the opportunity to retreat; and, accepting her response, whatever it is. Sometimes I've said, "well, you know what I'm going to say to that so I'm not going to say it again". I've made a lot of progress this way, I mention the board and al-anon often because sometimes something someone has written or said really fits whatever we are discussing; sometimes she get exasperated at me but then I remind her that SHE asked for my opinion and if she didn't want my opinion she shouldn't have asked. Like I said, we've made good progress returning to being able to communicate, so that type of statement, though it doesn't sit well, she accepts - because she knows that she did ask!
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
I like how you say you aren't good at detaching today. I don't hear you say, you "WON'T detach." That's good, my friend. By re-reading your post, you can see how well NOT detaching is working for you.
Detaching is so necessary for me. My Higher power wants me to be happy, and indeed I am learning that it is my spiritual responsibility to be happy. My kids are adults, it is not their responsibility to fill my expectations... or to make me happy. How arrogant to believe that they should.
Today, when I talk to my kids, my goal is to tell them often, "I have every confidence in you." My goal is to give them the dignity to live their own lives....
They are on their journey, and their journey is not about ME. Likewise, my journey is not about them. Being enmeshed just made me miserable, my codependence on others is not a recipe for my happiness. Detachment is necessary.
One of my favorite program acronyms is DETACH = Don't Even Think About Changing Him/Her
I, myself, don't have great conversations or meaningful relationships with alcoholics. Some days, I do. Then the cycle happens again, and I don't hear from them, they don't return my calls, etc. etc. It hurts, yes, but "acceptance is the answer to all my problems today." The other option is just not as good for me.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
