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I am new to this message board, but hopefully this is somewhere I can get some advice.
I am engaged to be married to an alcoholic. I know whole heartedly that he's an alcoholic, but I'm not sure he's ready to admit it. Right now he is in a detox center withdrawing from alcohol. This is the first time during our relationship that he's gone into a medical withdrawlal program. I've seen him shake and sweat in the past when he was detoxing at home.
Drinking has been an issue most of our relationship. I have asked him to cut back, I have asked him to stop, but nothing has worked. This past weekend he drank himself silly. He became belligerant and was calling me horrible names that he wouldn't ever say sober. He also threatened to take his life. The cops were called and he was taken to the hospital where it was discovered he has a .375 bal.
He volunteered to go to detox and that really made me happy. I thought this was finally a step in the right direction. I visited him last night and he seemed very serious about doing what it takes this time to get the help. Then when I visited him tonight he said he would go to a few AA meetings, but refuses to go on a daily basis. He also was focusing on champagne that we bought that was pretty expensive in the house. I told him I was going to remove it and give it to someone else because I didn't want it in the home. He flipped out and said I am not to touch his collector, vintage champagne.
We are supposed to be married on 4/20 of this year. That's less than 2 months away and I can't marry this man. His drinking has really hurt our relationship and seeing his lack of sincereity for getting sober just proves that he's not ready to change.
My family wants me to lay down the law with him and if he can't take getting sober seriously than they think I should leave. I am one step away from walking out the door. I don't want the rest of my life to be the hell it is everytime he drinks.
Any help you can give me would be much appreciated.
I am glad you have found us. There's lot of wisdom on these boards. And I hope you can find face-to-face meetings too. Alcoholism sucks everyone around it into the insanity, so we're affected even when we don't realize it.
I think you are wise to realize how hard it is for an alcoholic to stop drinking, even when they go into recovery programs. When my A (Alcoholic) went into recovery, I thought, "Good! Now things are solved and we can start anew!" I didn't realize that starting recovery is the first step, not the last step. Many people aren't at the point where they have what it takes to stick with it. The fact that your A thinks he doesn't need AA is not a promising sign, I'm afraid.
I very much wish I had separated from my A many years before I did. A relationship with an A is very challenging, and we have to think, "Could I do this if he never changed from the way he is today?" (A good question whether or not one's partner is an alcoholic.) Add children into the mix and oftentimes things are much much worse. No child should have to grow up with such sorrow and chaos.
If your fiancé were going to stick with recovery, there is plenty of time for him to prove it. There is no hurry to make a commitment now. I know sometimes the A's pressure us into commitments, promising everything will be fine afterwards. Better to be sure it's fine and then make the commitment. I say this in case he is like mine and makes all kinds of wonderful promises. I believed mine, and I believe he believed himself. But neither of us knew what we were facing.
I hope you'll find face-to-face meetings and get a sponsor. Even if the A is out of your life, the aftereffects can be hard. No one should have to go through this alone. Hugs.
Thanks for the quick response. I am going to start attending face to face meetings as well. My father was an alcoholic and although he wasn't in my life very often I think it has had a profound affect on my relationships and the men I choose.
My A is making all kinds of promises and definitely has put the pressure on me to get the invites in the mail. Truth is they were supposed to be stuffed and sent out this weekend, but he decided to drink instead. I love this man and see that when he's sober that he is everything I have wanted and more. But...well I suppose there shouldn't be a but. But he's an alcoholic and he isn't getting the help he needs.
I can't raise a puppy with this man let alone image having children with him. And I wouldn't have kids with him. I don't want to be a windowed because his liver failed from drinking or he got into an accident while intoxicated. I also don't want to get divorced. I see the marriage we'd have ending with one of these options and that's not what I want.
I just need to tell him that. Do I just tell him now while he's still at the hospital for detox?
Hi, Giggly (love your board name!) -- no doubt others will chime in with helpful thoughts. I think most all of us have found that the problem is too big to handle without help and support, and so face-to-face meetings are so helpful. (They say to try six because they are all different.) My guess is that the absolute optimum way to tell him that you're not going ahead with the wedding would be after talking it over with your sponsor, thinking and planning, and gathering your recovery tools around you. If he's anything like many alcoholics, he will have a lot of ways of putting all kinds of pressue and guilt on you -- the "Change back!" effect. Sometimes in those situations it's hard to keep our heads straight and keep perspective on what's our responsibility/fault and what isn't at all. This is one of those challenging situations where all that might come into play. At the same time, we can't always wait until everything is perfect before we do anything. Maybe there isn't any single "right" time to tell him. Maybe the right time is when you feel strong in your program and support.
Welcome to MIP, Giggly. I found that with al-anon my questions slowly answered themselves. I know youre frantic because the wedding is coming up. No one can tell you what you should or should not do because its your life and their your choices. Just please listen when you hear that this is truly a disease. His irrational thinking about the champagne that is his disease telling him he cannot waste good alcohol. It does not make sense because its not sane!!! I advise you to read all you can on the disease, its progressive and life long.. but the good news is that there is recovery if he decides to seek it for himself. No amount of threatening or nagging will make it happen, however.. You did not cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it! Keep coming back and please get to f2f meetings. They are so great.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
They told me when I came into the program, not to make any major decisions for a year. To give myself time to get some clarity. Our thinking tells us we have to make a black and white decision today!! (fear, fear, panic!!!)
But you don't. Not about the relationship, you don't. You can still be together, but you may want to take the program suggestion and "wait" to get married.... wait until you are absolutely certain, until you are calm and clear.....
Seems reasonable, doesn't it? Why jump into something this "life-changing" when you're doubting, that is not guidance from Higher power. One of the program slogans that helps me make decisions: "when in doubt, don't."
I hope you find some local meetings ((my friend)) It's going to be okay.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Welcome to the neighborhood giggly. I don't know if you should marry him or decide not to marry him. They both sound like major decisions to me. I do know that in Al-Anon it is possible for us to find contentment and even happiness whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not. Hard for me to say if he'll stop drinking or not; I really only know my own story. These ladies know their stuff. Listen to them. Get to some meetings. Find a sponsor. Follow your heart.
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Not all my days are priceless, but none of them are worthless, anymore.
An alcoholic is a very broken person. I generally hate movies depicting alcoholism and relationships with alcoholics, but the way things were portrayed in "When a man loves a woman" was the most accurrate in terms of the amount of detachment, hard work, focus on self-care....that it actually takes to get sober and then reconnect as a couple.
It's confusing because you say "I really love him sober" but you don't see that the alcoholism is still there when he is sober. The crazy thoughts and brokenness is still there even if he seems put together at those times. So it's not just about when he drinks. It is all encompassing.
Right now he is a busted person incapable of meeting all your needs. It will take a long time for him to heal even if he wants it. What will you do knowing that? That is where alanon can help.
So glad you are here. Get the book Getting them Sober. I don't know of any better reference for the kinds of things you are going through.
No one here is going to judge, label or shame you. You can come here and simply share what is going on in your life and receive ESH from others. ESH stands for Experience Strength and hope.
Sounds like you know what you want and dont want. I like to remember the saying.
"when the ticket has the destination stamped on it, why are you surprised when you arrive" I think about that long and hard when making decisons that involve my life and the people I choose to be a part of it.
The most important decision you make is who you choose to share your life with. There's no rush to get married and your posts indicate quite a bit of doubt..I second that "when in doubt, don't"Much easier to GET married than to UNDO a marriage. Trust yourself...listen to yourself, re read your posts and think what you would tell the writer if it were not you...
I never did marry the now ex A but I was involved with him for over 7 years. Recently a man came into my life who has sobriety (10 years to be precise) yet he still hangs around active drug dealers and doesn't seem to be too choosy who he lets into his life.
In the past I couldnt see the red flags for the trees. The important thing is that at some point we do start seeing them and we start addressing them. This man also told me that in relationship he prefers if his partner/spouse doesn't have any friends of the opposite sex. His marriage worked for him for a while and then it feel back in total chaos.
I had a very very very hard time seeing red flags then when I did see them I ignored them. Now when I do see them I look at them, I talk to other people about them, I honor them.
The most important thing isn't that you got to this point with this man, the most important thing is that you started to see how the disease of alcoholism can affect you. Some of us remain submerged in it our entire lifes, others of us can see it day one. Whatever you choose to do with this man is up to you. The issue is there is no bad decision, if you marry him no one here is going to ex communicate you, if you leave him no one here is going to say you should have stuck it out.
Some men do get sober as a general rule they take a while to do it. No one stops drinking and gets better overnight. Finding my own personal boundaries has been so so key in my recovery. Finding what is and what isn't important is really key for me. Having a peaceful life is important to me. I lead a dramatic, horror turbulent life for a long long time and I didn't take much responsibility for what I did to get there.
I'm so glad you are here. Welcome. I hope you will stay, pull up a chair, share, reply and get engaged. The journey is well worth it.
