The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was once the shy, go-along to get-along girl, people-pleasing so everyone would like me... And then in early program, I just swung to the opposite extreme, whacking people out of my life because they crossed me, "I matter too dammit!".... what a hot mess.
I cannot work this spiritual path without a sponsor. She sees in me what I could NEVER see because a sick mind cannot cure a sick mind. (That used to sound like fingernails on my psychic chalkboard in early recovery because I did NOT want to accept that I was "sick." Realizing I was actually born and raised in the disease however, I eventually decided I must be, haha. There is definitely something wrong with my thinking.)
It appears as though you have a resentment with him. My sponsor taught me to ALWAYS work a Step 4 whenever I have a resentment, how else can I get to know myself??
Then when making amends, I focus on ME and my part ONLY. No matter how my actions may have been the result of HIS actions, I do not run onto his side of the street telling him what he did wrong too. No. The reason I make amends is for ME to get right with God, to let myself off the hook, carrying all this guilt because of what I found out about myself in step 4.
I don't necessarily start blurting my character defects to anyone, that's between me and my Higher power. But I do apologize for my actions I truly regret. Sometimes, I kept it very simple, only one or two sentences.
Then I sleep in peace. Whether or not anyone forgives me, is not for me to worry about, I am powerless over that. I just have to suit up, show up, and leave the rest to God.
There are no "mistakes," as my sponsor often says. It's an"opportunity" to heal. It's hard to sit in the discomfort sometimes, I know..... ((big hugs))
-- Edited by glad lee on Friday 9th of March 2012 02:00:42 PM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
About a month or so ago I wrote an email to my brother explaining to him the circumstances that my spouse was moving back home and that I was doing it primarily for our daughter... I guess at the time I felt I had the need to justify my decision and of course Im sure I shed my spouse not in the best of light. My brother responded in kind and of course he is sometimes protective of me so he said some not so nice things about my spouse as well. I didn't delete that email and my spouse purposely went into my email yesterday (on my ipad) when I was at the grocery looking for whatever he was looking for.
He is hurt and understandably so. I have a real problem with telling him directly how I feel about things... I don't feel safe in doing so (emotionally) because I dont handle his reactions well. I don't like conflict and I don't know how to face issues head on.
Needless to say this is a mess. It's all destructive behaviors on both of our parts. I'm not sure what to do with all of this. I feel very anxious - I feel badly that I hurt him but I'm angry that I'm not allowed to have my own outlets.
Ive made a lot of mistakes...I'm not a perfect person. I Know I carry resentments that I need to learn to let go. Maybe I don't deserve to be in any sort of relationship. It's obvious I'm destructive and not very capable at it.
We all make mistakes and you are so not the Queen of them. Honestly .. my feeling is he snooped and he got what we all get when we snoop his feelings were hurt, however he did this to himself. I keep coming back to why would he feel he had any rights to read your email, especially past email?
Yes, you can only apologize and own your part, it's still on him. I don't know what you do with that if he's not willing to own he shouldn't have been doing that to begin with. You have a right to express yourself and not feel violated or that you will be violated in that regard.
I'm sure someone else will have better program talk than I've got. Be easy on yourself because none of us are perfect. It's hard to know how to conduct yourself in a healthy relationship when all you've known is dysfunction. I should say that is in my case. The great news is it does get better and you are working on you. That's the best any of us can do.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
We cant all have the same title, I thought I was the queen. It seems you are taking the blame for his snooping. You did own your side, but his side isn't yours too. I hear you working your program. Do you have a sponsor to do step work with? I am sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
You expressed how you felt about your spouse in light of his mistakes. He found out (through snooping) what you said. It seems to me that the worst that is happening is that now he knows that his past actions have led you to be angry and wary (but also forgiving). That might be useful information for him. If we knew how others saw us, it might be painful at times, but we'd have valuable feedback on our actions. That's what he has right now. I might suggest that the problem is not that he now knows you were upset about him, but that he might start bringing conflict to the relationship and that makes you nervous. We're not "wrong" because we see something is harmful. Many alcoholics will try to turn any situation into something to blame other people for. But I'm not sure there's any reason to feel guilty here. That's the way I see it.
You have wonderful supportive responses. I just wanted to add yet another validation that we all make mistakes, and, that there are many times I feel I can don the Queen crown of mistakes. Breakingfree is correct, we cannot all share the same title and when I read the subject line of your post, it wasn't about me!
Saying how I feel isn't always easy; sometimes it means accepting my reality, sometimes it means making myself overly-vulnerable to someone who is unstable, sometimes it means the truth hurts (myself and others), etc. Whenever applicable, saying what I mean, meaning what I say and not saying it meanly can go a long way. I'm continually trying to be aware of the root of the feeling and facing the fear attached with it.
I do my best to apologize when I know I could have handled things better or if, in any way, I took part of something that hurt someone.
Attending face to face meetings, working the steps with a sponsor, and MIP helps me gain a different perspective and let go of resentments. One day at a time.
Amills....put down the bat and stop beating yourself with it. Self-pity is your biggest enemy. How are you supposed to work on your problems if you really think you don't deserve better? Nobody is going to treat you in the way you want until you begin to treat yourself with love, dignity, care, and respect. I see nothing wrong with you. I see you as a capable and caring person. Your work in alanon is supposed to take the focus off your relationships so that you can figure out why you don't see yourself as these things I just mentioned. From there....whatever choices you make in relationships will be better because they will be coming from a place of wholeness and not brokenness.
My suggestion would be to tape an index card on your mirror with the words "I am worthy of love" and then say it every day.
You make mistakes because you are human. This does not mean you don't deserve love from yourself and others. Even if YOU make mistakes, trust that your higher power does not and your higher power made you and has a plan for you. Hence, when you take your will back and try and run the show and then decide you are a bad person when things don't turn out right....that is not working the program in a way that will help you.
Everything you did and do, I assume you do with the best intentions and perhaps you pray on your decisions. Hence, the results are out of your control and you do not benefit from downing yourself for things turning out in ways beyond you.
I got in a relationship with a terrible drunk that ruined my finances and sent me down a dark dark road for almost a decade....Was that a mistake? Sure was, but I don't regret it cuz I learned from it.
Breathe deep and remember that you are so much more than what your relationship with 1 person might lead you to believe. Right now it behooves you to take self-esteem from your HP and from people other than the 1 person you have the most tense and volatile relationship with.
Where does "what happens in a relationship only be kept within the relationship" start and stop. I tend to share too much - probably tell more of the bad than the good. My spouse is very hurt by this. As stated, he busted into my email and read private conversations I had with my family. He feels betrayed and now can't face them. This is such a hard one for me. I tend to need to express but maybe choosing family is not a wise thing because I get to move past (maybe) the situation but they only remember what I told them at that time.
My spouse and I just had an ugly conversation but we had it. He at first refused to acknowledge that what he had done was wrong or invading my privacy. He said I was only attempting to deflect from the real topic which was that I had shared some very painful things with my family and now he feels betrayed. The things I shared were my feelings and my interpretations of what had happened.
I'm sooo confused. I stood my ground though and told him I was not deflecting - he violated my privacy. He took a couple of digs at me and I wouldn't let him. I didn't bite the hook. I did tell him I knew that was what he was doing by trying to bait me - I now try to call him on his behavior when he does it and it tends to work - he quits or backs off.
I kept the conversation in I statements as much as I could - much better than I used to... I really thought about it as I was saying the things I wanted to say.
I wish for him he would find some sort of program but that is his to bear. He is so focused on how everyone is hurting him... maybe he will, I can only hope that for him and pray to my HP that he will.
