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Well, I have been going to Al-Anon meetings and I have discovered that everything that you are not suppose to do when you are married to an A. I did.
I feel bad about that and I have already filed for divorce. However, I don't really want a divorce. I love my husband and married him with forever in mind. I feel so messed up right now.
I don't know if this was a mistake or not, but I called him this morning to tell him that I was sorry for the way I had acted and he said, "I don't want to talk to you."
There was one time that he wanted to talk to me, but the wounds were still open so I wouldn't talk to him, now I wish that he would talk to me and he won't. This probably sounds so stupid, but do you think there is any hope here?
He is really mean to me at times and I have been mean to him in the past also.
He just texted me, "You need to cut the dose of your stupid pills they are working too good." I don't want to lash back, that is not what Al-Anon teaches, but his behavior does not ever resemble someone in recovery.
You're doing great by not reacting to his nasty texts. An old an-anon saying is, "hurt people hurt people"... meaning, it's not personal.
Boy, do I have experience with this! I filed for divorce on a Wednesday, and kept it private, wanting him to be surprised by being served. But on Friday, my sponsor took me to a different al-anon meeting in the big city. I had NEVER been to an al-anon meeting like that before, it was mostly AA's and I had never seen that kind of honesty......... ever. On the drive home, I felt exactly like you, I had this glimpse that I wasn't perfect either... and suddenly I wanted halt everything. And I did. But not before my husband realized $1000. was missing and so I had to explain. We did get back together, long enough to celebrate our 26 year anniversary. However.... hurt people hurt people - he just could NOT get over the fact that I had filed, and he ended up moving out. I filed for divorce again 6 months later.
Do you have a sponsor yet?
Have you told your husband that you no longer want the divorce? You can tell him that, sweetie. And then, you can turn it over to your Higher power, the outcome is up to Higher power, just put it in your God Box remembering step three: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understood God.
If it were me, I would be careful about apologizing for specifics until you have done a step 4/5 with your sponsor. For me, I need clarity before I start aplogizing all over the place. You just need to tell your husband what's in your heart... and then turn it over to Higher power.
(((big hugs)))
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I think glad lee provide you with some great ESH. The only ESH I would offer is to make sure that you really want to tell him you don't want the divorce. Where is that decision coming from? Is it coming from fear of loss? Is it coming from fear of change? For me it's been about fear of the unknown or fear of grief. If it is what is in your heart and you know that you don't want the divorce, then tell him. It's up to him to decide how he will react.
Al-Anon helps us rethink a lot of things. But the realizations don't all happen in the first week. So more will be coming. Like everyone starting recovery, your emotions may be all over the map for a while. You don't have to divorce him, and you don't have to not divorce him. Al-Anon suggests we not make any major decisions for six months. So that might mean just not deciding one way or the other for a while. Also, remember that the realization that we have behaved unheathily doesn't mean that they haven't. When I first started in recovery, I was so excited that now I had the key. I plunged back into the relationship with my A -- but turns out he hadn't changed at all (of course). I thought my new healthy behavior could make it all turn out happily, but I was just as powerless over his choices as I ever was. If I had known more, I would have waited longer before deciding what to do. Take what you like and leave the rest.
I love that you are here and are already taking such good care of yourself by going to meetings and posting here. Keep up the good work! In time, things will become more clear and less confusing. Sending you ongoing support!
You are a work in progress and have a program which you are heading in the right direction. Don't beat yourself up, you will need momentum to build yourself up. Think and don't react where two words I held on to for dear life during my divorce, so I wouldn't go emotional blunder in the heat of a feeling. Nothing has to be forever and that even means divorce, I know people who divorced and have gotten remarried and are great now. I don't see that happening for me, but I am truly open to whatever happens if I feel led by my HP. I was all over the place during the divorce and had to learn to quiet down and give myself space. It has helped me and meetings and a sponsor kept me more serene than I ever could have been on my own. I am glad you came here. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I found making a plan be helped me to know when I was ready to leave. Even when I left the ex A I was pulled back into taking care of him.
there is no right or wrong in a relationship with an alcoholic. there is a way to not let it destroy you but anyone who is around an alcoholic is affected by them.
Currently I am around a lot of dysfunctional people at work and the triggers go flying at times.
I am so glad you are here, sharing and willing. Willingness is everything.
