Daisy, I'm so sorry you're going through this. 

Through Al-Anon I've learned the saying "Say what you mean, mean what you say and don't say it mean."  It sounds as if what you said did all of those things.  You told the truth and in a very compassionate way, it sounds to me.  People have to have a lot of awareness before they realize that compulsive drinking is not because someone is stupid or immoral or weak-willed.  It may be that talking about alcoholism straightforwardly is taboo in your family.  But families can have a lot of dysfunctional taboos and that doesn't mean we're obligated to observe them.  I also remember the Al-Anon saying, "What other people think of me is none of my business."  It sounds as if you have a lot of awareness.  I hope you'll keep on taking good care of yourself.

I can relate to this share big time. I grew up in a house with addiction and alcoholism, everything was a problem except the white elephants in the house that no one mentioned. The weird thing is I didn't realize the A's were A's until I grew up and moved out and married one. After joining Al-anon a year ago things started to make sense. Even now it is taboo to talk to my Mom or brother about it unless I want to get chewed on, which I don't. My family by marriage talks about it openly, but it comes with lack of boundaries, manipulation and control, so no thanks again. I have had to distance myself quite a bit from all my family. Since I am divorced and raising my 2 kids full time, I keep plenty busy with my friends, Al-anon meetings, sponsor meetings and Church service where my 14 year old sings and plays guitar. I have had to set lots of boundaries for me to stay and feel safe. I am dettached and am living my life as healthy as I can at this point. I am working on my recovery and those around me know what I am doing." You can be honest, but not everyone can or wants to hear the truth. I am not keeping it a secret that I am in Al-anon, but am not forcing it onto anyone who seems resistant either. I love the slogan also, "Say what you mean, mean what you say and don't say it mean. Keep up the good work!

Hello Daisy. Firstly, congratulations for choosing the path of healing and recovery in Al Anon. Sincerely. I too joined Al Anon due to my beloved addict's dis-ease, but I soon realized my own family tree grew from the soil of alcoholism & addiction. My life and personality were forged in the spiritual dis-ease (in AA they say drinking is one of the symptoms of that spiritual dis-ease, and I strongly agree). Yes, I have definitely felt the need at different times and to different degrees to put distance and boundaries between me and family members. Especially in the earlier stages of my own personal recovery, I had to draw boundaries around myself, especially with family members who suffered terribly with the dis-ease. Sometime a loved one's self-destructive behavior leads them to a point of implosion and explosion, and they're grasping at straws to stay afloat. I had to put distance between myself and one family member in particular who was very ill and living with my parents. As this person sicker and sicker, she desperately wanted to attach her emotions and dis-ease to others, including me. This effected me in the form of hateful emails, caustic words, gossip, and other family members trying to involve me in the drama and illness. It took a LOT of self restraint, and willingness to listen to the guidance and suggestions from loving experienced helpers who understood this dis-ease better than I did at the time. What helped me the most, was being very sensitive to my own motives for feeling the urge to engage with her dis-ease. I began to realize part of me "desired" or "wanted" to engage in dis-ease. And I had to face a lot of anxiety, fear, and other family members' anger when I chose not to engage with her. Some accused me of causing her sadness and making her more ill, wanted me to play along and read her emails, etc. At base, I had to make a choice between engaging with her expression of the family dis-ease (she was just a carrier of that family dis-ease) and my own health and well being. By that time, I'd worked so very hard, put so much sweat and tears into recovery, that the scales tipped in my favor, and I started realizing my own quality of life really was worth it. It was not easy at the time. but I learned soooo much from that experience. Sadly, this family member did not survive the dis-ease, and she ended up taking her own life. And I fully respect and realize the power of this family dis-ease was full force raging in her, and I bless her soul, wish her well, love her children, and know I did right by her and by me in backing away from her illness. It made me more capable of seeing how sick she was and feeling compassion and love, rather then being drawn into the confusion and rage other family members suffered in.

Life and healing are not always easy. But they are both immensely more rewarding when I'm willing to look and feel deeply, release denial, see things as they really are. Three years into daily work and recovery has brought steady progress and strength to me. I'm no longer carrying around 90 pounds of shame, fear, guilt and pain like I used to. Truth telling has been a huge part of my process.