He got an extreme DUI - Al-Anon Family Group

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

He got an extreme DUI

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs ILD,

So sorry you are going through this, I can also understand where you are at right now. It is more important than ever in this moment for you to go to your meetings and have that support to help you through this. Know what is yours and let him deal with his stuff, the money stuff is crazy scary.

DUI's instead of being a wake up call can provide a deflection of how serious the situation is .. it's a big roller coaster of emotions at least for me it was.

Hugs P :)

Sending you tons of love and support, hugs hugs hugs.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

It's true that we'd like to be forgiven for our mistakes. That's when our repentence is true and sincere, isn't it? But I would ask -- is his? He's sorry he's been caught, that's certain. Is he taking responsibility for his drinking by going to AA? By getting a sponsor and getting involved in recovery? By making amends? By pleading guilty and paying his fine without complaining? Or does he want to "get past this" and insist it wasn't really fair and he's been targeted and why is everyone on about him when everybody makes mistakes? Or yeah, he's sorry but it was just once and it won't happen again because he has total control over it and he doesn't need any of those programs?

I think we all want to support recovery (even though often the best support is to stay out of his recovery and let him learn it instead of trying to take it over -- been there done that). But supporting non-recovery is a different matter. His DUI isn't a thunderbolt out of nowhere; it's a logical consequence of bad choices he chose to make. If it's hard for him to get to the court without someone driving him, that's also a logical consequence.

Of course he's not a bad person. He's a mixed-up person who made a very bad choice, on top of a pattern of bad choices. It seems to me important that our children learn that there are very serious consequences to making such bad choices. Not the hatred of family members, but sadness and difficulty. Because seeing the logical consequences ahead of time is what stops people making bad choices. Maybe even knowing their children know the truth about them helps keep people from making bad choices.

My AH got three DUIs. The next one sends him to prison. I did not help him out on any of them. Indeed, they caused me a lot of trouble and debt even though I stayed as clear as I could. He did not stop, but I did keep my sanity intact, which is no mean feat in these circumstances.

Keep on taking good care of yourself.

-- Edited by Mattie on Friday 17th of February 2012 04:55:34 PM

-- Edited by Mattie on Friday 17th of February 2012 04:56:53 PM

danni · Senior Member

Oh, I am so sorry. I don't have experience with this (yet), but I have thought about what I would do often, as it would not surprise me if I had to deal with this at some point. My heart goes out to you and your son. Easy does it. I am glad you have program and support as opposed to going through this blindly. We are all here for you, and you are not alone. Sending you so much support and compassion!

DreamXL · Senior Member

Not to sound harsh here, but "you dont want to bail him out but you want to be supportive"...???? How is one supportive of a person driving drunk, if he killed someone could you still be supportive?

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

DreamXL wrote:
Not to sound harsh here, but "you dont want to bail him out but you want to be supportive"...???? How is one supportive of a person driving drunk, if he killed someone could you still be supportive?

It's a very hard line to draw and I know for my own situation I thanked God every day that my spouse did NOT kill anyone or himself. I think that we can only do the best that we can do and being supportive of someone in a crisis is very different than bailing them out. The reality is he did NOT kill anyone and hopefully none of us ever have to deal with that situation.

Hugs P :)

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Well, maybe my wording wasn't perfect, I'm functioning on 2 hours of sleep right now and I think I posted that at 3 AM. What I want is to NOT throw him under the bus to our son. I want my son to know that people make mistakes and that even though I'm angry, I will be working on forgiveness. I will be holding him(my husband) accountable for his actions and expecting him to be a man and deal with this himself. By being supportive, I will drive him to court appearances, if necessary, and I will be with him if he requests my presence. I do not condone his behavior but I am still his wife and the mother of our son and I need to be compassionate and treat someone the way I would want to be treated. I have made some grave errors in my past and I ask God for forgiveness daily as I try to forgive myself. We are all human and we all make mistakes. Making excuses for those mistakes and covering up for someone is NOT my plan, but having mercy and showing compassion are within the realm of what is possible for me as that is my nature and I believe that everyone is worthy of that gift.

Jackie11 · ~*Service Worker*~

"I do not condone his behavior but I am still his wife and the mother of our son and I need to be compassionate and treat someone the way I would want to be treated. I have made some grave errors in my past and I ask God for forgiveness daily as I try to forgive myself. We are all human and we all make mistakes. Making excuses for those mistakes and covering up for someone is NOT my plan, but having mercy and showing compassion are within the realm of what is possible for me as that is my nature and I believe that everyone is worthy of that gift." ilovedogs

This is amazing, what a beautiful reminder of the steps and tools we implement as we work our program. It's not easy and you are not enabling or covering up, you are showing compassion with detachment!

Sending hugs and support on your journey, keep coming back, keep posting!!!

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

This sounds horrible ILD, but I would start by doing nothing. It is his DUI, his suspended license, his job to tell your son, is his job to figure out how to deal with this financially. Yeah, I can see how you would be inclined to get in there and start solving this problem because you seem to be the more stable partner who keeps things in balance, but you cannot fix this for him and he won't learn squat if he doesn't handle this himself.

I know you would be inclined to think "Am I supposed to just sit back and do nothing and watch our lives go to hell?" Well, that is where his drinking was leading you guys anyhow and you were still trying to detach then.

It sounds heartless but detachment is still the answer I think.

Sorry you are going through this.

In AA we say "it takes what it takes" and that includes every DUI, trip to the hospital, the loony bin or whatever....I would now just consider him 1 step closer to recovery if that helps at all.

Mark

danni · Senior Member

I admire your ability to remember compassion in light of your other feelings. This, to me, is really the result of someone doing a great job working her program, and it does work if we work it. Fantastic, and I am really thinking about you and praying for your entire family today. Hugs and respect.

Michelle814 · ~*Service Worker*~

From my own experience, I have none with the law. My husband, somehow never got in trouble with the law hahahha dont ask me how. My husband did, however, almost die THREE times from drug and alcohol related dilemmas. The first time was a car accident and I did not know it was from being high/drunk. I was there for him 100%.. the second time he fell from a tree and I suspected there could be drugs involved but was not sure. I was there for him 100%.

When my husband overdosed, the third and closest time to death. He was taken to the ER, I rode in the ambulance. I made sure he got there safely. Then I told him I loved him, that I was aware he was very sick. and then I left him at the hospital to deal with his own problem. I know this sounds harsh but I had to keep my own serenity and sanity. I let his Mom and sister know that he was there but, in my opinion, they should not go there either but they did anyway. If I could go back to that day I would not have called them but I am also further in my program than I was then. I was well aware then, though, that I had no control over what his Mom and sister chose to do and they chose to play care taker to him. He checked into a rehab facility the next day. He now has three months in recovery. He attends outpatient three times a week and aa or na every night. I am very happy for him but I also know that NOTHING I did or did not do did it.. he had to be ready for it. Who knows what the future hold. I just know I have to keep myself sane and healthy and sometimes that mean detaching with love emotionally and other times that means physically detaching at times.

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Gail, you didn't dump. I like Pinkchip's suggestions, I'm staying out of it unless I need to specifically get involved like going to pick up the impounded car or taking him to his court meetings. He's laying in bed right now and I think he's just staring at the ceiling. I'm giving him his space. Not my problem, right? Boy, I keep repeating that all AM long, LOL!

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

I never had to deal with a DUI but after all the reading, talking and learning I've done in the last year I would throw my hat in the same ring as Pinkchip - actually I have in lesser matters, leaving his problems for him to suffer the consequences for. Only thing I might do is sit and have a talk with son to find out where his head is, what he knows (correct misconceptions), and reassure him where needed.

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Mattie, he hasn't done the poor pitiful me thing but he hasn't mentioned AA or anything yet either. Of course, most of the day we sat in the city code building waiting to pay our fine so we could get the car out of impound and didn't really have a chance to talk. He did say that the drinking is over, but I'm assuming he's planning on going it alone like he did in the past.
He's very aware that this could be 'very bad', in his words. He knows he's in deep. He said he's going to take it one day at a time and one issue at a time. He also knows that he faces jail time and that his inability to drive could affect his job and his travel for work and I'm sure he's thinking of those things right now. He's got a lot on his mind and I'm just taking a few steps back and focusing on myself and on ds. I am going to a meeting tonight, I really need it!

sookie · Senior Member

(((HUGS))) I have also been through this--2 DWI's within a year and at first I was also SO grateful nobody was hurt...so grateful. At first I was compassionate because he was scared to death--and so struggling with sobriety and the consequences: jail time, losing his job, he had to drop out of school, a huge mess. It took me a few weeks to get back to loving detachment but I had to so he could have ownership over his behavior and how he would clean up his mess. And so i could begin to focus on me again. Thanks to the program, I handed it exactly the opposite as I did with his first one (raging lunatic anger and hysteria)
I am so grateful for this program.

It sounds like you are doing amazing--be gentle on yourself. For those of use living with the disease of alcoholism, this is HUGE and it has such a strong, emotional impact. It will pass and get easier and you are not alone. Those first few days were hell...I know. Sending you prayers for strength and peace. (HUGS)

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

You've got the thoughts and prayers ILD....It's always fortunate when the worse doesn't happen. I always tend to thank God for that and then remember that the disease is a progressive one...always gets worse never better.

I was the dispatcher on duty one night with the CHIP when the call came in that my alcoholic/addict wife was pulled over in a DUI. Like the program taught me..."I am powerless" and then my life doesn't have to be unmanagable when I allow her complete dignity to handle the consequences of her choices. It turned out well for me and even the officers who pulled her over were surprised when I notified them that "I am aware of the subject" and then let it go until they came in for reports. Didn't tell them more than they could use for verification. Wasn't sad...cause the progression many times heads to sobriety which is the direction she finally took at that time. Prayers and continued best wishes to yours, mine and ours. ((((hugs)))) smile

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Al Anon has taught me to stay out of the A's business in all ways. No rides no money, no anything. Basically neutral to their disease and the things that happen because of it.

His consequences are his or her own.

I think of it this way, if one has to stand alone and do something, they have to use all their power to do it, that makes them stronger. But if we are there supporting them, we take away their power. they don't learn that they can do it on their own.

Some times we all have to stand alone, its good for us.

I agree with ones who know we must take care of us. That is his stuff.

Believe me I do understand you are his wife stuff. One thing I had to learn was being married to an A is totally different than being married to a non A. We really cannot share anything. We can love them, and enjoy the good times we have with them.

But in order for them to get well, we must leave them alone. Its such a hard concept I know. I am like you I love them so much and felt so bad to walk away from it. But becuz I do love the A's in my life I do walk away. That is harder than supporting them!!!

If we soften the fall, then the next fall will be no big deal. We all need to feel the pain, do the work all on our own to learn.

hugs hugs, love,debilyn

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