"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

kris10 · Senior Member

quick question...

stephaniej · Senior Member

My thought is...would it make you feel a whole lot better 10 minutes from now? 10 days from now? 10 months from now? 10 years from now?

In my own life, if we are talking about retaliation against our qualifier, I would feel better 10 minutes from now. I would feel a whole lot worse 10 days from now, because my retaliation would undoubtedly escalate my AH's emotional abuse. 10 months and 10 years from now, I don't think it would probably matter much either way, unless my retaliation was particularly harsh, in which case co-dependent me would probably feel incredibly guilty about what I had done.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Kris

I believe that retaliation is a RE Action and is not the best coarse of action in any situation.

I think it is always correct to "RESPOND" to a situation with constructive Actions.

I would examine my motives and then "Say what I mean and mean what I say and not say it mean"

You will be the winner all around

kris10 · Senior Member

right about now I would mean what I say..... but it WOULD be very mean.... I feel I have justified reason.... But then again two wrongs don't make a right...

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Kris

Write out what you would like to say -- Then take a deep brrath and post it here Get suggestions and that should help

We are all works in progress

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Kris I am sure you feel very hurt in some way.

In my experience when I allow someone to bother me that much that I want to hurt them back, that means they are controlling me.

I would rather think it out, say how "I feel" in the kindest way possible and let it go. OR not respond at all.

Its like those groups of people who flag any ad on Craigslist. If everyone ignored them and just reposted it would not be fun anymore. But they love to get people riled and get attention, as they know they controlled that.

Just my thoughts! hugs,debilyn

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

Its always good to check the motives for the retaliation
I like what Stephaniej said

It is always harder when the anger/retaliation feels justified

For me its hard to work out retaliation compared to being a door mat.... That is where boundaries and fair consequences come in.

Good luck and I hope you are doing ok

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

For me, I definitely tried it - on more than one occasion, so it would be arrogant of me to expect that you never should retaliate...

I can tell you, however, that I stopped doing it, as it was wearing ME out, and did not seem to effect my A in any way whatsover, with the possible exception that she felt more 'justified' in her drinking....

Most of the teachings in our program stop short of ever 'shoulding' us, but they do remind us of the path that will ultimately lead to our own serenity.... Retaliating with an active A doesn't usually result in us feeling anymore serene...

Take care

Tom

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh Kris all I can say is HUGS,

In the recent weeks I have had a few waiting to exhale fantasy moments. Let's see starts with a billboard and ends with fliers all over the parking lot cars .. oh I can even be more creative with leaflets dropping out of planes .. lol.

Yes, in the moment it makes me feel better, however I know I have to look myself in the eye while I brush my teeth or hair and all I can think is .. hmm .. I would not feel proud and OMGosh .. the amends I would have to make .. it would not be pretty.

John posted something recently that was a short saying, .. something to the affect of ... don't do something permanent, because you are in temporary pain .. I think i messed that up .. lol .. however it basically means it won't feel good later.

You have already gotten some fantastic ESH.

Hugs P :)

surfgirl123 · Senior Member

Kris, I struggle with this too. It is so hard when we are always getting hurt (even though we are the ones always doing the right thing) and the people who do the hurting just seem to skip through it all with no remorse. All I can say is that when tempted I haven't yet done anything because I keep asking myself what kind of person do I want to be. I remember some quote about fighting monsters and to be careful you do not turn into the monster you have been fighting, something like that. YOu have all our support, hugs and prayers. sg

Michelle814 · ~*Service Worker*~

I wanted to retaliate the second time my husband relapsed since I knew him. He was in rehab and I wanted to do something awful. I did not do it and called a close friend.. the next day I called my sponsor. Very glad I did not do what, at the time, sounded like a grand plan. I would still regret it today, three months later.. I think I would have regretted it forever.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

This is where a sponsor comes in handy Kris. I know that (like most of us) you tend to accept too much BS from him and then it builds up to crazy levels of anger and resentment. Sometimes when you probably should not accept things, you do. Sometimes when you should just accept and not rail against things you cannot change, you have trouble with that. That is what the serenity prayer is all about. Is what you labeled "retaliation" just sticking up for yourself and not accepting unacceptable behavior or is it being spiteful?

Things like calling someone's PO when you find drugs on them might not be retaliation if it's going to get YOU in trouble if the authorities wind up coming to you. A good sponsor would be albe to help you determine if you are sticking up for yourself versus trying to control an uncontrollable situation. It's difficult to determine and if this stuff was easy, we would not need meetings and a serenity prayer to guide us.

In support,

Mark

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

There were many times where I wanted to retaliate against my exAH. I usually wouldn't because I knew that my retaliation would only lead to MORE stress and hurt because he would, logically, get pretty ticked off at me for MY bad behavior. Vicious circle, you know.

Where does this leave me, however, when I'm sitting in the moment just seething with hurt, anger, rage? It's a god-awful place to be. I would feel like jumping out of my skin. I finally learned that I still needed to release it all, but just not against someone. Sometimes I'd go into the other room and just scream into a pillow or beat the crap out of my bed or the couch. There was one time where my exAH irritated me terribly and I went into the other room and did this goofy silent scream and just jumped up and down. When I look back on it I'm pretty humored by how I must have looked. But hey, it released the rage I was feeling safely, versus bringing more rage into my experience if I were to have screamed at my exAH.

For me, it was never healthy to bottle it up. Biting my tongue and not finding a safe way to release it didn't always serve me. There are some times, yes, where I'd have to keep my mouth shut and just repeat the serenity prayer over and over to myself because there wasn't an opportune place for me to release the anger. But when I'd find an opportunity later to let it out, I'd do it.

After those moments, however, where I'd release the anger, I'd feel better and like I could start to reflect on the situation with a calm mind and start to ask myself the right questions... what was my part? What could I have done differently? Maybe I'll pick up some Al-Anon literature or give my sponsor a call or head over to a meeting.

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

I think I often think of retaliating when in fact I have to readjust my boundaries. Certainly if someone is mean to me they are not going to get my undivided attention and care. At the same time I'll work on being civil to them. I have had major issues with one of my supervisors at work who is all over my boundaries on so many levels. I set boundaries with here, she pushed up against them and now I re-set them. For some people re-setting a boundary is tantamount to abuse.

Responding is a good way to learn self care. When people prove untrustworthy to me I do respond I move to distance myself from them. I try really hard not to do it in a knee jerk way but I do respond.

Rage, anger, anxiety, pain are all very very valid feelings when you have been dragged through the mud by an alcoholic/addcit. Channeling them is extremely difficult. My first response on so many levels is to lash back.

Now I've learned not to go with my first response but to reflect on it. One of the great al anon tools is to learn to wait. I've learned to be able to wait rather than lash out. I have learned to detach (and thats so so difficult) I have also learned that it is perfectly valid sometimes to be extremely angry, raging and upset. We are not saints. I have places to go with my anger and rage now that I didn't before. Creating them was one of the biggest gifts I ever gave myself.

Maresie.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"