feeling calmer - Al-Anon Family Group

daisy31 · Veteran Member

feeling calmer

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

Ihad a psychologist appointment yesterday afternoon. I am starting to warm to her a little bit. I would want to.. I have seen her about 10 times now. It is just so hard to bring down those barriers to people. I find it hard to show on the outside what I am feeling on the inside. I am so used to hiding my true self and putting on that mask of 'no feelings' that its hard to change. She seems to be able to see subtle changes in my posture etc though so I am not really hiding much. She sees the guards go up and down.

She seems to think I am on the precipice of major changes. She says this is the time to not put them up again and give up because it is getting hard. I am ready to give up I will admit. This is all too hard. But that psych gets so damned excited when she hears something I say and she says.. ahhh.. yes.. now what was that???!!! Was that you or your Mother????

I made a connection with the young Linda. At this point, it feels almost like a split personality with her and I am starting to 'talk to her'. The psych feels it is time to try to integrate her into my world now and actually like her and take care of her. Honestly.... I have shut her out soooo much, that I hate her.

Anyway..... she says what I am experiencing at the moment, the high anxiety and the confusion and the tenseness in my world is not unusual for a person doing what I am doing with my past.

We talked briefly about the pot use, but that is not the main point in our sessions, the point is my personality disorder and how to get better. its refreshing to have that separated.

Somehow... I walked out of her office much calmer. I have no idea how or what was said for that to happen. At this point in time I have to look at little Linda and see if I can start to talk to her and integrate her into my adult life in a healthier way. I am scared. It is very scarey to think that I might get to like that little thing that I felt was hated by everyone. It is so much easier to stay 'hard hearted' to her. But as the last 40 years have proven to me... that hasn't worked now has it.

The most difficult person to like is myself. For me, labels help. I know people say.. don't label yourself etc etc.. I am a Nurse, I work with symptoms that have a beginning.. I am a black and white thinker (BPD)... Labels work for me. I asked the psych if, from what she has heard, she thinks I was an abused child? She did not answer me directly, as I knew she would not, but she said some of the things I have said have certainly caught her attention.

My task for this fortnight is to write down some things that happened and not interpret through the eyes or words of my family that told me how good I had it. Write a list and then, put on my professional hat, read the list and see if I would report that child to family services. I think I know the outcome. For me.... having the label as a abused child... having the label of BPD.. gives me a formula for treatment. If I have an illness Iknow what to take for it. It is therapeutic for me. I need the smack over the head at times.

so.. if any of you have heard me say things from my childhood that have made you think.. wow.. thats not right... send me a PM and it will honestly help me to make the decision and assist in my pathway to recovery... thanks for listening.

Tracey C · Senior Member

Wow!!! You've grown so much Linda from when you started. Keep going it inspires us to see what is happening to you.

Tracey

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

It is fairly recent that I have realised I have a problem and taken it on board.
The catalyst for me to realise that is my wonderful husband.

As much as I hate his pot smoking and his addictions... he is a wonderful man who loves me alot.

When I realised I was considering (another) divorce; I realised I just can't go through that again.

I am sick of tired of feeling like this, I am sick and tired of being constantly on a treadmill. 5 years ago, if you told me I would be looking at counselling for MY issues... I would have told you to go away. I woudl have gone to counselling for what other people have done to me.. but not for MY issues if you see the difference.

I love my husband very much, and I don't want to lose him to the pot without having tried everything.

So, here I am ... being very trying as they say haha

I am sorry your Mum never looked at her issues. Unfortunately, one of the features of BPD in full swing is the inability to seek help, or even realise the need for help.
Many people I tell that I have BPD traits think that it is a wrong diagnosis. Those people didn't know me in my 20's or early 30's even.

Many people with BPD can 'grow out of it' to a certain degree... I want to grow in spite of it. The hardest part can be the emptiness and the depressive/suicidal thoughts, the inability to have any tact (I am working on that one), and the abandonment. I don't want to feel like that anymore.

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

thanks

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Linda one thing I have found that keeps me open is that I am who I am, I like what I like, and I do not care if someone thinks I am strange.

Its like the innocense of being young and you just like what ya do. Then we get older and somehow we think we have to stop looking under rocks. feeding the birds, being awed by the world and having wonder.

Who were you when you were young linda? What did you like to do. What do you do now that you just love?

I am not ashamed I love taking care of all these guinea pigs. That they grab my shirt when I walk by them, that they always talk to me and purr when I pet them.

Got a moth eaten one in that was skin and bone and has mange. now he is bathed, medded and surrounded by food, and not all weak like he was. I like that.

Theres something really neat about being unafraid to say yea I like that even if no one else does or no I don't agree.

What have you carried to now that was young linda but now wants to come out?

I can feel that wall. But since you have been here, I see more and more of your heart. Really is sweet!

My thought is too, that you may show more in your face than what you share outloud.

All I know is you are special and I am glad you found MIP. love,deb

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

Who were you when you were young linda? What did you like to do. What do you do now that you just love?

In all honesty... nothing.
I dont' remember doing anything when I was a kid that I loved. I loved my animals.
I used to go dancing and callestenics but I cried having to do that. I certainly didn't love it. I used to sing alot, but I was bad at it and in the school choir etc I hated always being told to sing quieter.

I was in the circus at school but that was as a teenager. I enjoyed it but I had no talent so I was the backstage manager, and even then.. I was the assistant. I didn't like that at all.

As a kid, I would come home from school, watch the TV or go back to the school to be with Mum (she worked there as a cleaner), it all depended on if Dad was drunk or not, or home or not. I was too scared to do much wrong because my sister would hurt me. I remember one day I was playing with my yoyo in the bedroom. She told me to come to her. I was scared. She said she wouldn't hurt me. I remember walking toward her very slowly and she told me to take my pants down. She wasn't going to hurt me. She grabbed me and spanked me and spanked me and spanked me. It hurt. I was too scared to do anything as a kid.

If I took my dog for a walk she woudl tell me i was ignoring the cat and being a nasty person, if I paid attention to the cat I was being mean to the dog... so it went on.

I liked to read books. If I read a book, I could just escape.... I hated swimming, my sister drowned me twice. I hated exercise cos I got ridiculed (I had my first bra at age 8), I just used to watch TV cos that was safe. Iliked to eat and I stole as much food as I could.

I have been told I was always happy as a kid. I am not sure why. I didnt' feel happy. I liked order and precision. All my toys were exactly lined up on my bed. If I was with my Mum, I woudl be stuck to her like glue. She would try to get me to go and play with other kids. I wouldn't. I would just sit next to her holding her hand or my arm around her leg.

Teenager.... I liked to smoke pot.. alot.... then I found boys and well.. the rest is history and here I am.

So you see, I find it hard when people say "what do you like Linda". I honestly don't know what I like. Who am I??? I don't know.

If a person came to me right now and said.. take the day off Linda.. go do something you enjoy doing.. I would sit in a predicament not knowing what to do. I would probably do some of my post grad study and be productive.

All I can say definitively is.. I love my animals. I can sit and just pat them for hours. And I do. I have 5 animals in the house at the moment. I like to read a book and I do that.

I would like to do things that I never felt confident to do as a kid. I was always so concerned with everybody else. I had to be with Mum to make sure she was ok. I had to avoid sister but also to make sure I didn't make too much noise or do anything wrong because she woudl go into a rage and that woudl scare me cos it meant I would come out the other side. No one knew she did those things to me... always in private.

I was a very scared little girl with high anxiety levels.

Michelle814 · ~*Service Worker*~

Linda, I really really think its incredible how honest you can be. I don't know you personally or know what you were likes years ago but whether you know it or not you clearly love YOU.. and you are obviulsy tapped into your HP's love... because you are trying and working and digging. I think we have to remember that your sister was obviously very troubled. I don't know the inner details but she wanted control and power over you and whatever made her that way is heart breaking because its not a natural way for a child to be that cruel to their sister. I feel compassion for both you and for her. Now, I am not saying forgive and forget. I dont know what is best for you. I am just saying you are a miracle in progress because instead of playing victim you are working on you. Youre heart, soul, spirit all deserve the nourishment.

I know what you mean about labels. When I admit I came from an untreated al-anon Mom and an addict Dad (though, it was not alcohol or drugs he was addicted to) I feel a certain way.. better. I can have the awareness of that and I can say.. okay it is what it is now... what are you doing to do about it? cant go back and shake the mom and dad from the past when I was four now can i? If I shake them now they wont see it. i can even love my parents more now because I see how blind they were to it all.. they only did what they knew. They still only do what they know and theyve been doing it all this time and I think how grateful I am to have found a different way to live at such a young age and if I have children it can begin WITH ME! its incredible... and its the same for you only different situation and circumstances. but it can begin with you and you can have a much healthier life. When I say out loud I am co-dependent it makes me less co-dependent if that makes sense. I can acknowledge it and release it. its a long road. I will never be cured but I can get better one day at a time I can make progress.

BPD is tricky, man. I work with many parents of my clients who have BPD and other mental illness and are all addicts. You know its hard and most people do not do what you are doing about it because they dont know any better. Thank goodness you have the awareness that you need help and youre seeking it. You are so worth it! I think you are incredible. Just keeping journeying and keep sharing.. you are helping me! maybe you wouldnt have thought that, but you are!!!

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

I still have a lot of issues with my siblings and right now I have not spoken to either of them for more than a decade. They certainly are not able to keep up their scapegoating and bullying anymore.

For me getting down to that my older sister was permitted and encouraged to be the bully and get "everything" is very hard to look at. I have to keep coming back to my mother was mentally ill as was my father.

For me personally the neglect which is some of what you describe is so difficult to get into because it is so nebulous and yet at the same time all encompassing. As a child I did not get love, attention, care, I was not protected. That is abuse. My mother was overwhelmed with everything not just the ususal crises. She was absolutely not able to cope on any level and she directed her rage, her frustration and her shame at her children.

Walking on eggshells is not something children should do. Children should have structure, clarity, peace and lots of opportunity to work out their issues. In an alcoholic home they have to shut down in order to survive. Then those emotions, the anxiety, the fear, the anger surface at a time when we can make room for them. So few people are willing and courageous enough to take them on. So many people bury them in blaming others, in alcohol, in anything but being willing to look, learn and most of all share.

My journey through the abuse that happened to me as a child has been an nightmare and a gift. I never though I would make it to the other side. The things that used to haunt me and destroy me like the "abandonment issue" are no longer at play. That doesn't mean I don't have issues I have them in droves but the ones that threatened to absolutely kill me have changed and evolved and my survival is no longer a question mark.

I commend you for your willingness, your courage and your curiosity. All of those will help you through difficult times. I also know for me absolutely I could not have done this journey alone, therapists, counselors, friends, all became the support along the way. I had none of them as a child but I sought them out as an adult and I am so glad and grateful I had the opportunity to heal.

Maresie.

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

thanks guys
I do hope I am helping someone... and I know I am receiving help here... thats why I post all of this.

EVen after posting, I find it difficult to form the words in my mouth and throat and actually say some of the stuff, so I guess this isthe safe way of expression, and then the hard bit is at the psych when I form the words and say them outside of my own head.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.