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I have been in Al-Anon for several months. Recently, my daughter's ABF was put on a sabbatical because of his drinking. His supervisor told him that his job would be held for 30 days pending him going to in-patient rehab. Unfortunately this ABF does not have health insurance and I really don't think he is entirely sincere about rehab - he just wants his job back! My husband and I truly feel empathy for his situation and want to write him a letter of support (no expectations or judgments included). Would this be appropriate or a waste of our time. I know that an alcoholic won't be helped unless and until he wants to. I am struggling with wanting to write the letter versus keeping out of his business. Also, truthfully, I am fearful what my daughter would think (one of my character defects) as she lives with him and herself drinks. Any ESH would be appreciated. Thanks much!
Thanks for your ESH. It helped me a lot. I never thought about not including something about drinking. Obviously he knows he's been drinking - I don't have to remind him of that. I truly want him to know we care and that is what I want our letter to stress. I just didn't know how to express it exactly.
I was thinking about how a business runs and stays in business. Services are provided and the company earns a fee. Part of the money coming in pays the employees. Part is paid out for insurence and other overhead. After all that a profit is made which pays the owner or stock holders and keeps the business afloat.
To hold a job with the stipulation of going to rehab indicates that good potential exists in the emplowee. However this potential is offset by the employees behavior and there may also be a safety liability.
It sounds like he has been given a generous chance. One which will only help him if and when he is ready.
If they are both drinking then your letter may have double the potential for failure but not double the chance for success.
Have you talked it over with your sponsor, or at the very least, brought it to the meeting table?
Sometimes when I do that, I hear my own voice and I realize what my true motives are, I answer my own question.
To me, I think it is WISE to be concerned about what your daughter thinks because.... she's not even married to this man, so why get involved? You need to understand your MOTIVE for sending a letter, if it's to change him in any way... it's a bad motive. When I think I have the power to change someone, I am playing god.
What would it look like, if you didn't send a letter? Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to let our loved ones hit their bottom, and not cushion the blow. To just let go and let God..... ((hugs))
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
personally i would myob :) there is no amount of support, wise words, encouragement etc that anyone will hear until they think its a problem and reach out for help on their own. thats just my take :) from my experience.
I do have daily readers and I read them every day. As an update, we did send the letter out. It was non-judgmental, did not suggest treatment, and only pointed out that we are here for the ABF should he wish to reach out to us. We said we only wanted the best for him and that we were not telling him how to live his life. I really don't expect to hear from my daughter or her ABF and I feel okay with expressing our care and concern for him. I guess if they take the letter the wrong way, then I will have consequences, but I'm okay with that. Thanks for all the support. I truly appreciate it.
Whenever I am faced with this type of tough decision, I try to check my motives, and see if I am doing something that could be getting in the way of the A's recovery....
In my experience, one of the most fundamental truths is that A's have to be allowed to bear the consequences of their behaviors.... I guess, from my perspective, I can't quite see how/why one would write a support letter for an active A - it feels like you are trying to soften the landing for him, but his behaviors and choices got him to where he is....
Just my two cents
T
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
