The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Though we're divorced, thankfully it was amicable... my exAH and I still keep in touch occasionally (like maybe once a month or every few months).
The other day I got to feel and come to an awareness on where I currently draw the line in our contact with one another. The hardest part of that for me was vocalizing it to him because I lived in fear of his bad reactions to my attempting to set boundaries in the past when we were married.
Thankfully, it seems exAH seems to have a better understanding that he's not entitled to anything from me. I dare say I hear a modicum of respect in his voice when he talks to me.
My boundary right now? Favors. Doing favors for one-another. Right now I'm not comfortable with that and I probably never will be where he's concerned. He truly gave me a huge laugh a few weeks ago where he called me and left a message on my phone asking if it would be okay if he used me as a reference on some job applications. The irony of it all... asking your ex wife, whom you lied to and cheated on in the midst of your disease, to be a reference. Just not a good idea. So, that go-around, I returned his call and told him "I'm just not comfortable with that." He accepted it like a grown man.
But now I see the testing starting to emerge. He called me last weekend, leaving a message asking if he can use my printer because his is broken.
I had to pause on that one. My first thought was to lie to him and tell him "Oh, my printer's broken, too." or "I'm all out of ink, sorry." or possibly "Oh darn, I'm gonna be out of town!!!" But I could hear my sponsor's voice in my head telling me this is an opportunity to start to speak your truth. I could just picture my HP 's head nodding sagely with a raised eyebrow to that advice, too.
So, I picked up the phone again and did that scary thing... vocalizing my boundaries a little more clearly to the man who used to brow-beat me and berate me and tell me I was selfish any time I'd say "no".
"Hey, I got your call and I apologize that I didn't get back to you right away. I had to think about it and I just need to tell you that right now I'm not comfortable with doing each other favors. I'm cool with calling just to chat or having a lunch together every now and then, but not the favors thing."
Whew. It was great to get that off my chest and to say it out loud. Again, thankfully, I hear a respectful "Okay, I understand." from the exAH.
Will the testing stop? Hmmm... in my experience with alcoholism, it probably won't. Something will come up again some time, I'm sure. But I'm glad I'm starting to feel like I have more courage each time to say "no".
Thanks for the share Aloha .. it's so hard to know what is and isn't appropriate and the great thing about boundaries is that they are all about us and our own situations. Good for you for standing your ground saying what you mean and not saying it mean.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Very difficult to say no sometimes. Difficult to feel that our opinion matters. I was just reading over the questions in the blueprint on dishonesty, something I was doing with someone who walks this path with me, and your words hit home. Its one thing to have boundaries but to enforce them sometimes takes a great deal of courage. Not that it matters, but I'm proud of you Aloha for standing up and enforcing yours.
