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Someone used the term "dry drunk" with me to explain when my exAH still exhibits the same thought processes as when he was drinking. We've been divorced nearly two years and he still continues to try to make amends... which would be endearing if it didn't always bring such a stark reality that even though he's been sober for nearly a year, he still blames me, says I never did anything in our marriage, I don't do anything now, and our issues are because I am so controlling. He'll rant for hours of messages on this and suddenly switch to, but... I love you and want to make this work. It's like Dr. Jekkyl and Mr. Hyde.
That said, he continues to make ultimatums... says he's moving on to start a new family with someone else since I am just making his life miserable by setting all of my boundaries. His last threat was that he would tell our 5 year old that he had tried to make things work but mommy was too into dating to give his daddy a chance. I have nearly full-custody of our son (minus two nights a month), work two jobs to make ends meet, and do not have the energy or time to even move on with dating.
The sick part of it is how each time I have to bring myself to say, "move on" to him, it breaks my heart again. I fill myself with self-doubt and wonder if I should give more. This constant struggle between the logical side of my brain and my heart is wearing on me. It's like I mourn the divorce over and over again. I'm now reading Co-dependent No More as I try to work through what I know is my own struggle.
How is it that I have gotten myself so wrapped up in this disease that I find it difficult to even stick to what I know is right? I need to heal, but feel like every time I move forward, I allow his words back into my heart.
You can't walk away fully because of the son you have together. Other than that, you don't have to own the fears of what he will say to your son. Your son sees what you do day in and day out and your son will know the truth eventually anyhow.
In AA we are told to make amends EXCEPT when to do so would harm another person. His attempt at amends sounds selfish and it is harming you. I would attribute his "amends" making to trying to work his own agenda on you under the guise of AA. That is not AA though. Often times, addicts and alcoholics think that all the damage they caused disappears after 1 month, six months, a year, 3 years...whatever. They (and this is also how I reasoned) tell themselves "Why did I get sober just to get divorced and lose my family?!" That is not rational, but I'm betting that is what he is thinking. Like he deserves to have the marriage work cuz he's been sober a bit now.
It is not until one has ridden out several major life obstacles and stayed sober that it becomes clear that sobriety is the goal above, beyond, and not attached to anything else. Hopefully he will eventually see that sobriety does not ensure reconciliation or that everyone he upset or grew apart from will not love him the same again.....but it will probably take longer for him in recovery.
Until then, you can just focus on you and know that the choices you make are for the betterment of your son and yourself. You can't make yourself love him the way you once might have and you know intuitively what needs to be done. Even if you feel you don't know intuitively how to handle the situation, just keep praying for the answers and they will work themselves out.
We enter into adult relationships knowing there are no guarantees and that we will eventually return to being alone again - Hence it's best to always be looking out for yourself. You don't need to feel guilty cuz he is still incomplete without you and is upset and blaming you because of that. That is his game and you don't have to play.
---Some of this may be on the money, some may not. I hope it helps though.
Oh, this sounds incredibly painful and frustrating! Have you considered going to any face to face Al Ano meetings? I learned from the meetings that my AH is responsible for his own happiness, just as I am for mine. In regards to the drinking, I didn't cause it, I can't control it, i can't cure it. I was taking on all of the guilt and blame that was being showered on me, and what a relief it was to finally free myself of that burden with the understanding and compassion of other members who had been there too. I have two small children (2 and 5), and what a gift this program has been for me and them! I am learning things that I can teach my children, things that will help them, regardless of whether my AH chooses to drink or not. Sending you understanding and support!
Sounds familiar. These people are sick and are so convincing at times they can almost make you believe up is down and vice versa. I am sorry your kid and you are having to deal with this. Keep taking care of yourself and hopefully you can make face to face meetings. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
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